Long time ago, I made a promise to myself and to God that I would abstain from sex until marriage. However, in my mind the only sex I considered sex was intercourse. I went through the “True Love Waits” ceremony and proudly wore my ring with same inscription on my ring finger. At the time, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to suppress the sexual urges when they came but I figured I’d cross that bridge when I got there. Well that bridge crossing came sooner than I expected.
As the urges came in, I had to figure out a way to appease them without letting go of my promise. I found it easier to entertain oral sex than to give in to intercourse. It was something that was always offered to me and it just so happen to be the one thing that fulfilled me. Other people desired intercourse, I desired oral sex. Whenever I received it, I noticed that my urges were suppressed for a period of time longer than those receiving intercourse. After looking at those around me with their situations, I found my situation to be a whole lot easier to deal with. I didn’t have to deal with attachment or commitment issues, at least so I thought.
I figured, since I had a willing participant, I’d put myself on a six month “action rotation.” Just enough time to give me what I needed and a long enough time to detach or rid myself of any unwanted or unnecessary emotions. I felt as though no harm was being done because when I made my commitment to wait, we were referring to intercourse. This went on for awhile without a blemish. Whenever I lost one or got tired of one, I gained another. Perfect, right?!?
After awhile, I found six months taking too long to arrive. My body began craving the attention more and more. I found myself looking for fillers to occupy spaces that weren’t intended for them. I found myself becoming emotionally attached to a situation that was only conditioned to be temporary. Somehow I allowed myself to fall in head first and as I tried to pull myself out I got stuck. Stuck trying to figure how I got here in the first place, when I had a fool proof plan set up. Stuck trying to figure out how I let go of the bad, but keep the good. Stuck trying to figure out if this situation is salvageable? Stuck trying to figure out if I let this thing go, then what? Who or what is going to take the place or fill the void of what I’m used to.
Lauryn Hill said it best when she said “it could all be so simple, but we rather make it hard.” In the beginning it all truly did seem so simple. I thought I had a well thought out plan where God could get what He wanted and I could get what I wanted. No sex before marriage but oral sex until marriage. Humph! Looking at that statement now seems crazy but back then that was my reality. I can honestly say I never put oral sex and intercourse in the same category. One seemed more long term and the other temporary, hence the reason I gravitated toward it.
From this situation there are several things that I’ve realized…1) Fire is fire whether it’s a lit match or an inferno, they both burn. And no matter how hard I think I can, I can’t tame them. 2) Trying to manipulate something in hopes of getting something better doesn’t work. Manipulation usually leads to some form of destruction. 3) Involving yourself in anything sexual usually involves emotions. No matter how hard or detached I was later proved me to be wrong.
Unless they’re within a healthy realm, compromises can often lead to an easy route of a self-inflicted demise. It’s really not worth it and in all honesty since the changes are generally so small, you may never see them coming.