Q: Sexy underwear in a Christian relationship? Is it OK?
My husband likes it when I dress up for him, and I don’t mean mild
sexy/pretty underwear. I’m talking the full shabang! PVC, RUBBER, KNEE
HIGH BOOTS, FRENCH MAID OUTFITS, ETC ETC… and alot more if we had the
money! It’s not at all for me, I just love pleasing him. But is it OK in a Christian relationship? I can’t seem to find anything about it on
the Internet or in the Bible, so what do you guys think?
He has had an addiction to porn all his life until very recently,
including an addiction to fetish and even issues with transvestites and
we all know what they dress like. We have recently dealt with those
issues in prayer and counselling with our pastor, but sometimes I can’t
help but feel he’s getting me to act out his fantasies.
He also has been very into anal sex, before he met and and throughout
our relationship, and to please him I tried it a few times, but I don’t
think God made it for something to go up there, and again I’m worried
that I am fulfilling his past fantasies. What do you think? Is this
common among men? Is it OK to do that if you’re a Christian??? Is it OK to do as a Christian??? I hope someone can help me get to the bottom of this!
A: Alright Sophie, here we go.
First, let me say, “Thanks Melissa” for sharing your insights and I do hope that the two of you connect. There’s nothing like someone who can empathize with a situation and I do believe that Melissa brought up some valid points.
I am not married, but neither was Paul and because I have had my own struggles as it relates to sexual purity, I am going to try and provide you with some further insight from a biblical perspective.
As it relates to dressing up, I don’t see anything wrong with it, either…if it is something that pleases both you and your husband. The flag that was raised to me was when you said that it is not at all for you…it’s just to please him. When it comes to what goes on intimately between a husband and wife, there are two scriptures that I think applies here:
“Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another.”—Romans 12:10 (AMP)
“The wife does not have full rights over her own body; her husband shares them. And the husband does not have full rights over his own body; his
wife shares them.”—I Corinthians 7:4 (NCV)
No, you two are not brother and sister, but the affection that Paul speaks of in Romans, I believe applies to all relationships. In every circumstance, even when it comes to sex, both parties should feel honored and as it says in I Corinthians 7:5, in marriage, authority is not revoked, it is shared. To give someone rights to you, is a gift. Even God doesn’t demand it. He wants us to give it with a willing heart. I couldn’t get a good read on if dressing up in that way is a compromise (not my favorite thing to do) or a sacrifice (I hate doing it). I also wasn’t really clear on if your husband knows of it being either one. In other words, does he assume that this is something that you enjoy doing as well or is he clear on the fact that this is strictly for his own pleasure? Marital sex is about making the experience a beautiful and fulfilling one for BOTH partners, preferably at neither’s physical, emotional or spiritual expense.
However, it was actually the rest of your email that caused room for alarm with me. Personally, and unfortunately, I believe that the Bible gets misquoted all of the time. One of the most “taken out of context scriptures” is Hebrews 13:4 (NKJV):
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
Now, let’s look at what the Amplied says:
“Let marriage be held in
honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear)
in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept
undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty
of sexual vice] and adulterous.”
Another word for “undefiled” is pure. Sometimes I will hear people say that they can do whatever, however, whenever because “the marriage bed is undefiled”, but when you substitute the word “pure” in there, it kind of makes that resolve sound a little crazy, doesn’t it? One of my favorite “marital sex authors”, Tim Alan Gardner (“Sacred Sex”) says that sex is not about orgasms so much as oneness. A lot of what people seem to be concerned with is doing whatever they can to achieve the physical gratification of sex at the expense of spiritual oneness.
THAT SAID, I am a little concerned if your husband is having sex with you or at you. Only you would know that, but a wise man once said that alcoholics don’t hang out in bars. In other words, if he has a past battle with porn, specifically transvestite porn, and you feel that he wants you to look like what he was addicted to in his past life, drudging up those “ghosts” is not the most effective way to keep him “sober-minded”. You should never be the substitute for his stronghold. I guess a surefire way to test if this is a possibility is by seeing if he enjoys sex just as much if you don’t play dress up in a way that makes you uncomfortable. If that is a problem for him, therein lies your answer and therein could also be a deeper problem.
Anal sex. OK, while I do agree with pastor Noel Jones when he says that the last place the Church needs to be is the (martial) bedroom, the Church and the Bible are not neccessarily the same thing (although I pray one day it will be). The Bible should be properly applied everywhere. Now, I am treading on somewhat of shaky ground here because I know that a lot of people naturally assume that the Bible states that sodomy (anal sex) is mentioned in the Bible. I believe that resolve is pulled from the following three verses in scripture:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is
abomination. Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself
therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down
thereto: it is confusion.”—Leviticus
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”—Leviticus 20:13 (NKJV)
And, the New Testament (especially Romans) speaks to homosexual sex as well:
“For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman,
burned in their lust one toward
another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in
themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as
they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient…”—Romans 1:26-28 (NKJV)
The challenging thing here is that there are a few things that opposite sex partners do that same sex partners do (I hope you caught that because I don’t want to get any more graphic than that). However, no matter what you do, it should be kept in mind that sex is not meant to bring ANY KIND OF HARM to either partner and anal sex is proven to do just that. I did a little online research about the health risks of anal sex and here are a few (according to the McKinley Health Center):
• Unprotected anal intercourse is considered a high-risk activity for both males and females. People who have unprotected anal intercourse are at high risk for many sexually transmitted infections, including HIV due to lack of natural lubrication, which can lead to tears and exposure to blood. Condom use during anal sex is a must.
• Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s) can and do occur around the anus and inside the rectum, including intestinal parasites, gonorrhea, HIV, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, HPV, and hepatitis.
• Oral sex, including rimming, or analingus, can put both partners at risk for hepatitis, herpes, HPV, and parasites.
• If you notice any pain, sores, discharge, or lumps around or inside the anus, make an appointment with a health care provider as soon as possible.
• For heterosexual couples, pregnancy can occur if semen is deposited near or around the vaginal opening.
• Anal complications not related to anal sex include: irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, fissures or tears. If you are suffering from any of these medical concerns, do not engage in anal sex until you have consulted with a physician.
Again, without getting too graphic, there are certain things that a woman’s “womb region” provides that a woman’s anus does not. God created it that way. If a man is making love to his wife, I don’t know how he can effectively do that if he is putting her in any kind of harm. Anal sex makes that a HUGE possibility.
I think the biggest concern here is that a lot of your questions seem to center around what he wants rather than what the two of you want. You said you have been talking to your pastor. I know it tends to be more comfortable discussing things on a website, but these are definitely issues that I would encourage you to bring up; if not with your pastor, than a marital counselor. We shouldn’t be so focused on sex’s pleasure (and it is indeed meant to be pleasurable) that we miss out on sex’s purpose. God made it and I’m willing to bet that he didn’t think a lot of “additives” (toys, rubber, etc.) would be needed. You should be enough just as you are. What concerns me is that it seems like all of the “extra” is not the icing in your sex life…but the cake.