OK, I know that I reference television a lot. That’s because I watch a lot of it right now. No, that’s not really a good thing, but it comes with the writing gig(s) that I have because when you’re in entertainment, it helps to know what’s going on so that you can speak from a relatively educated place.
(Hmm…I wish the Church applied this same theory in how they handle things at times, but that’s another matter entirely!)
So, back to me and the tube. Over the weekend, I caught “THS” on E!. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen these 1-2 hour documentaries, but they can be pretty enlightening; in this case really enlightening. It was a special on hip-hop wives and rock stars’ wives.
Now, I could go on for hours about the many questions that I had (Why would you trust a man who pimps you out to his peeps or calls other women female dogs? Why would you trust a man when you know for a fact he sleeps with random women on the road and you have to call regularly to make sure that he’s not high, jailed or dead? As a matter of fact, if that is what his character entails why get married to him at all?), but there was one thing that one of the rock star wives said in particular that inspired me to pen this blog.
As they touched on a segment that dealt with drugs and addiction, she shared that for an addict, after awhile, the addiction is what they are married to. It doesn’t matter how much they love you (or want to), their commitment is to that substance.
That got me to thinking about my own life and where it stands as it relates to my current relational status. To be honest with you, I’m not “standing” anywhere; more like sitting in the time-out chair as I watch my other friends get engaged and married. But, unlike how I felt even this time last year, for the first time, perhaps ever, I am really grateful to be pulled away from the dating/courtship/potential marriage scene because I FINALLY GET IT!
I think I have shared with you guys before that I once told my mother that I was going the break the curse of sexual addiction and divorce in our family. I didn’t know what I was saying at the time, but I know that what I said is in God’s will because he has been moving heaven, earth, boyfriends and my libido (for a season, don’t get it twisted) to make it happen!
Just last week, he spoke to me via Dr. Drew (remember him from MTV back in the day?) with this simple sentence: “When you’re alone you’re stuck with your feelings.”
Sometimes “stuck” is exactly how I feel, but it’s only when you can be alone with yourself and God that you can really get to know who you are. So many times, in my brokenness, I looked for the guys in my life to be the Super Glue (now that I think about it, more like Elmer’s Glue) to hold me together. It wasn’t their job or purpose to do that and so things always fell apart. And, for a season, when physical hands couldn’t satisfy me, I would run to porn as a substitute (one day, I’ll do a whole blog on substitues because it’s called that for a reason).
The danger in that is this: If (unhealthy) desire births sin and sin, in its mature state, brings forth death (James 1:15, Romans 6:23), then I have to realize and then accept that lust and all of it’s bells and whistles is a set-up from the beginning. In other words, it’s not so much the 30-minute video that I need to be worried about, but the domino effect of what that cheap flick could do to me later down the road.
Do you think that any of the rockers thought that one drink, one pill, one snort, one smoke, one shot would get them to the point that they would spend all of their royalty money, put their marriages and careers in jeopardy and risk prison time just to chase the “only for a few moments” high that substance abuse brings? Do you really think they believed that a drug would have them so “whipped” that nothing mattered more than it did?
And yet, here some of us are, wondering why we don’t have our Prince Charming or Cinderella (uh, those are fairytales, BTW) and it’s because like those rock stars, we also are already united: to porn and sexual addiction. You know how the Bible says that you can’t serve God and mammon because you will love one and hate the other (Matthew 6:24)? I’m here to tell you that you can’t be in a HEALTHY relationship with porn and a person, either because before long, this same rule will apply.
I know when it came to my own porn revelations, one thing that the addiction made me was very selfish (not a good foundation for building a union, people). Even the best of relationships take work, but when I felt like something or someone was demanding too much of me, my thought was “Forget this, I’ll just go home and click on the tube or read some erotica.” Soon my loyalty was to the couples on the screen because they didn’t seem to ask much of me; for a season, it appeared that my pleasure was their main concern.
That was until I started subconsciously sabotaging my relationships with other people, and to a large degree, even with myself to be with “my mate(s)”. That was until my relationship with God started becoming seriously compromised because time with “them” seemed more important. That was until the fantasies I watched became what I expected of my reality. That was until porn was what I found myself being committed to. Yes, for a season, porn was my hubby.
If you’ve ever experienced a break-up and even worse, a divorce, you know that it can take a real toll on you mentally, emotionally, physically and otherwise. That’s where I am right now. Without even realizing it, porn and I (especially erotica) had become so close that I didn’t know that it was a huge part of who I was when it came to how I thought about sex/relationships and what I expected.
I know now though because whenever I find myself 33 and P.O.’ed about why I don’t have a man yet, God tells me “Because you want to be happily married, right? You need to finish grieving and processing the relationship that you and lust had first or you won’t be. You can’t love someone and lust porn at the same time. They just don’t mix.”
So, if you’re single and a porn addict in recovery, believe it or not, this is actually a word of encouragement. Sometimes we think we are not getting what we desire because God is punishing us, when in reality, he is healing us so that he can give us what we want. A separation from anything, even when it’s bad for you, takes some time to get over, but if you stay faithful and focused, great things are in store.
As for me, I’m believing God for a man who was better to me than porn was. Porn was never all that faithful to me anyway. I shouldn’t be shocked. Lust never is.