I had to consider this topic from a variety of different angles, if you’ll pardon the cinematic pun. I haven’t dated anyone in over two years, so I don’t have any recent experiences to draw from, but I don’t have to go back too far before porn encroaches on my history.
My last boyfriend was a carnal Christian, like I was in those days. The foundation of our relationship was pretty much, “You’re a Christian with a lust problem? So am I! Let’s date!” His lust issues also came with a helping of porn. I just wanted to be the one who would believe in him and support his efforts to get clean. Needless to say, it was a really bad idea for us to date, and we both caused each other to stumble into exactly the place that we were trying to avoid.
Since then, I’ve grown a lot in my relationship with God. Not long after dating that fellow, I prayed that the next guy I kissed would be my husband. I’m still waiting, but purity brings clarity! The more distant I get from my sexual past, the more I fear the influence of the dark forces swirling around out there. I think porn has a lot in common with the horror genre. It makes me fear men: their appetites, their expectations, their fantasies, and their bodies.
Before I became a committed Christian, I dated several guys who admitted that they watched porn. Some of them tried to get me to watch it with them, but it just grossed me out. Yet, I adopted a very permissive attitude about it. I didn’t object to them watching it (not that it would’ve done any good if I had). I bought into the lie that it was just something that all guys watched, and those who denied it were lying. I haven’t watched much of it myself. Curiosity drove me to watch it a few times, but I found it more repulsive than arousing. Beefcake men, with bulging and veiny muscles, and sweaty, overly-tanned bodies? I prefer the nerdy, scrawny, pasty ones, so I think that’s how I escaped!
My vice of choice used to be trashy romance novels. At least you can imagine romance or love when you’re creating the movie in your own mind. I couldn’t imagine enjoying being consumed like these women in the movies are. My heart goes out to you, if you are a man or woman struggling with this issue.
Still, I really wish I could say that I’ve never seen it. Porn has no redeeming qualities. It’s masculinity-gone-wrong meets femininity-gone-bad. Men in porn films seem to be wielding their body parts like weapons against the women they’re with. There is nothing loving about the exchange between the two (or more). It is a power struggle — a violently choreographed event. The man’s performance is driven by his own ego. The woman’s is fueled by her own selfish desires. And they are getting a paycheck for it. I get the sense that they would eat each other, if it were legal and if they would get paid enough. We also consume human flesh when we support this industry.
I’ve read the dismal statistics. Is every guy that I meet going to have a porn problem? Will my husband have issues with it? Have most of the church-going guys I know been “educated” about sex by watching it? Are they expecting girls to act that way? It’s frightening that guys might think sex is supposed to be like that, all greasy and hairless and plastic. I am pursuing purity now. It scares me to think that the only man in my future might want me to act like my past self, or worse. I praise God that I’ve turned into such a prude that I can’t even watch R-rated movies now without being embarrassed.
We are all broken and searching for unconditional love. We hunger for companionship and someone who really knows us and loves us anyway. Having and viewing unconditional sex is not the answer. Indulging in porn will never satisfy our desires for oneness and unity with another soul. Nothing will meet those God-given needs except God himself. Porn is a charade — a distorted reflection of how sex was created to be. Even in the midst of uncertainty about the future and murkiness in the past, I know that I don’t have to be afraid, because perfect love casts out fear.