Honestly, it’s been years since porn was a factor in my life in any way. I prefer it that way too. Thinking back on my past with it does not feel like warm, fuzzy memories but more like a rotten, illicit affair that ended badly. You see, I grew up with two very different parents. One that never talked about sex and one that shared too much when I was too young. From that, I grew up with a lot of questions and no safe source for answers.
When I came across porn, I was open-minded. I didn’t know how it factored into life or relationships. The guys I was with thought I was “cool” for not being offended by it. At one point, I was even vocal about how I thought maybe porn could solve a lot of people’s problems in the bedroom that I heard about. I watched it a couple times with different guys I was with over the years, but I actually preferred to watch it by myself. In a way, I think it validated my skewed ideas of what sex was: one-sided, degrading, and void of love. Plus, I didn’t think that something I did in private would have any impact on my relationships. But later, when I was married, it was such a turn-off whenever my husband suggestively asked me where my DVSs went. I later came to realize that porn only created problems; it hadn’t solved any. I stopped watching the DVDs before I got married, but the images and the impact it made on me lasted, longer than my marriage even.
When I found myself single again and in, what I considered at the time to be, a very “fun” relationship, I didn’t go back to porn, I went beyond that–I/we made a video of our own. I would try to explain the logic to you as such: it seemed way more appealing to watch ourselves than to watch ugly strangers going at it, but I think even that explanation falls short of qualifying as logic. I believe that was the last time my boyfriend and I were intimate. We broke up shortly thereafter. The breakup was unexpected and not of my choosing. And I didn’t even end up with the video. Eeek!
So, how did porn play a role in all of my choices? Well, without outright blaming it all entirely on the porn, I will say that had I not filled my head full of the sexual scenarios I saw 1) I may not have thought that those kinds of sexual interactions were so “normal” and 2) I may not have pursued relationships with guys/girls who I knew wouldn’t mind acting those types of scenes out with me. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in porn, male/female roles are all the same, it’s all about the sex so I, too, found myself crossing what most people know to be basic gender boundaries.) Had I instead exposed myself to what positive and healthy relationships looked like, perhaps those would have looked more familiar to me and I would have sought those out instead. The seeds porn was planting into my head were not the kind that I should have been sowing. And I reaped a harvest consistent with what was planted.
Porn was a cheerleader, cheering me on in unhealthy relationships, in bisexual interactions, in creating lasting evidence of unmentionable deeds with someone who is not even, or ever was my spouse, and fixed images in my head of things that, on a good memory day, I can still recall but wish I couldn’t.
For me, the solution to all of this mess was God. It sounds so cliche and easy…and in a way it was! God is all about setting slaves free (so they can worship Him)…slaves to men, slaves to sin, slaves to habits, slaves to addictions. The toughest part was getting out of His way and allowing Him to do all He has promised to do for me (and for you too!). I had to get to a very low place in my life before I was willing to hand the control over to God, but when I did, how sweet life became! I can look back at my life now without the faintest hint at recognition of who I was then and the things I did. God has been faithful in helping me to learn proper boundaries and limits now. The transformation in my life has been miraculous. And what God has done in my life, He will certainly do for anyone. If you struggle in this same area and you have given up, that is the absolute perfect place to start over!
“What is impossible for men is possible with God.”–Luke 18:27