Are you poisoning your relationships, sharing too much?
“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Words, I have learned, can be like the golden apple in Snow White. They look tasty and seem fine but can be a slow releasing poison.
WHAT’S TOO MUCH?
You see, I didn’t think asking another woman I trusted about a magazine article was a big deal and I certainly didn’t think joking about a girlfriend at work looking “refreshed” this morning was crossing the line.
It’s the water cooler topic in your group of women at work. Maybe at ladies night someone brings up, “Did you see that Cosmo article? Oh my!” Even if the only person you talk to is your best friend, are you really compromising in an area that should remain holy and intimate? The little secrets that may not be “dirty” by themselves but somehow seem sensual, and you just revealed it to a friend.
Now someone is saying, “Girl, I don’t do ALL that.” Oh really? What comments do you make that infer something sensual? “Oh my goodness, I could use some of what SHE’S getting!”; “Girl, you are not appreciating your MAN.”; “You know I am WORTH it!”; “What are YOU doing for HIM?” Or do you just post something on Facebook or Twitter that gives your followers impressions about your bedroom?
Are you letting your friends in on ANY information about your marital bliss or angst regarding sex? Then you are allowing them a “glimpse” emotionally into the “sanctuary” of your marriage covenant. The topics that pursue romantic conversations beyond the marriage are inappropriate. (Heb 13:4 tells us the marriage bed is to be pure.) If we allow conversations to linger in a place that may be inappropriate, then we are RISKING our purity.
Am I saying have no friends? Absolutely not! We love girl talk about our hairstyles, shopping, raising our children, being patient with our families and the next movie to see. The bible declares, “Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” (Prov. 27:9)
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
My #1 Rule: Avoid people who use any conversation to discuss romantic, sensual, or sexual topics or jokes. We should flee from those friends who start a sentence with “Oh girl, my MAN better…” Check out Matthew 15:11 and see that it’s not the consumption, but the talk that comes out of your mouth that makes you unclean. Ephesians 4:7 says, “It’s not right that dirty stories, foolish talk, or obscene jokes should be mentioned among you, either. Instead, give thanks to God. … Don’t let anyone deceive you with meaningless words. It is because of sins like these that God’s anger comes to those who refuse to obey him. Don’t be partners with them.” We are not to be deceived by discussing things that seem MEANINGLESS.
James 3:5 states that,“Our tongues are small too, and yet they brag about big things. It takes only a spark to start a forest fire!” At no point do we want someone else to covet what we have! Bragging may lead others to compare their relationships to yours. Gossiping about our dissatisfaction within our marriage allows an open door and can lead us to the fantasy land of “what if’s”.
My #2 Rule: Evaluate the heart issue. Ask yourself WHY am I continuing to enjoy these chats? No worries! Jesus is in the business of changing our evil hearts (Luke 6:45) into pure hearts (Heb. 10:22). Maybe you don’t talk to your partner enough about your intimacy (emotionally and physically) and you just need to get out your opinions. Maybe this is the area in which you feel vindicated by others. As I discovered I would be cleansed of one thing, like being a people pleaser (peer pressure to talk), then I realized that I liked the feeling of other people seeing my husband as wonderful. I never wanted someone to covet my husband, but that’s human nature if I talk about him too openly!
My #3 Rule: If you want to try something, love something, hate something or desire something different, then you need to have that conversation with your partner and not anyone else. You are much more likely to only enhance your relationship without making anyone else stumble. God really taught me the divine secrets of being trustworthy! Do you want your marriage to be built on trust, respect and love? Well part of that has to be holding space in your life that is precious to only the two of you. Your spouse is the person you should appropriately go through to “correct” or “encourage” something in your relationship. If you need outside support or counsel, it should be with both of you and a professional or support group at church DESIGNED for the help you need. (Ref: Proverbs 11:13, Proverbs 16:28)
My husband and I have a personal guideline that we are not allowed to complement each other TOO much in public. He mentions me often enough to deter advances. The things he mentions are appropriate and allow him to simply reference his “wife”. While I make sure that even in ministry moments that I am very careful with our testimony. His trust of my tongue helps his ability to be completely honest with me regarding his purity. He also refrains from joking, hinting or discussing our bedroom habits; it’s an equally important topic for both genders. As a result, our trust level increases our intimacy on an emotional level.
Compromising what you talk about and how much you allude to about your past or present rarely honors your marriage (or soon-to-be marriage). Do you see this issue in your life? What traps do you fall in around friends?
It’s definitely something to think about. And strongly consider. In protecting the intimacy of your marital relationship.