“Pornography is dangerous because it rewires the brain to believe that what is sexy is anonymous sex, rather than the relationship. It makes sex physical, rather than about emotional intimacy. Soon it loses the ability to cause emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy loses the ability to cause any sexual feelings. In fact, while he’s making love to you he may even have to fantasize or picture pornography in his mind to become aroused. This will ultimately wreck your sex life. It has been found that men who use internet pornography actually lose their sexual desire for their wives.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire, Talking About Sex
I had this boyfriend who once said that we all have this image of what we consider to be ideal and when we really look at what our ideal is, it’s actually quite obnoxious in real life. While he was referring to my not fitting the “type” he usually dated (he had a thing for short blondes, both of which I’m not), it holds quite true when dealing with pornography. What we find attractive, alluring, or appealing about pornography would be obnoxious in our real relationships. What makes our real relationships so special is intimacy.
I’ve written previously about a girlfriend of mine who is dating a man who is addicted to porn. When she first found out about this, she felt she needed to enhance her performance in the bedroom and began to dabble with role play. This made her very uncomfortable. It also bothered him. He eventually asked her to stop and told her that pornography is a very slippery slope and he didn’t want her to get involved with it and that one of the things he loves about her is that she is real. While he has made a distinction between pornography and his relationship, it has wrecked their sex life. It has damaged their emotional intimacy.
When we look at social media, it also causes us to believe that anonymous sex is what is sexy. We see this in movies, TV shows, music, etc. While these aren’t labeled “pornography”, the content is, at times, quite pornographic. Our culture is telling us that anonymous sex is sexy and the temporary and immediate gratification are what we should look for and forward to.
Borrowing the words a previous coworker of mine said several times daily – “The devil is a liar!” We were created for relationships. God created us to have an intimate relationship with Him. He sent His only Son to earth to die for us to give a way for direct relationship and intimacy without sacrificing and rituals before we could even come to our Father. I know I personally find this so comforting. (Though I’ll be honest – it feels a bit overwhelming at times that my God would love me so much that He would move heaven and earth, literally, to create a space to have relationship with me. There really is no greater love.)
With this model of God’s desire of an intimate relationship with us, it makes so much sense why our favorite people in our lives are often those which we have an intimate connection with. Synonyms of “intimate” are “close”, “dear”, “near”, “cherished”, “warm”, “friendly”, and “personal”. Snuggles and hugs from my daughter, laughter and games with friends and family, a text or phone call from a cherished someone just wanting to check in… at the end of the day, these are the things that warm my heart. These intimate and familiar things are what I desire. These are my daily hugs and kisses from God.
Intimacy. That is what is missing, that if it were added, would make a real difference in the relationships of our lives – romantic or otherwise.
There is nothing obnoxious about that.