THE DAY I TOLD THE TRUTH (AN OLDIE—ABOUT TEN YEARS—BUT GOODIE)

 

I’m
a liar..in recovery. Ever since I can remember I’ve lied. Sure, I
guess we all have at one time or another. We’ve lied about eating
the cookie before dinner, about taking a glance at a fellow
classmate’s schoolwork, about being seventeen when a cute
twenty-one year old approaches us for our number. I guess this is
what we’ve come to call ”little white lies”— the ones we say
will hurt no one. But these fabrications only set the foundation for
bigger ones, the kind I have told and am presently paying for.

• I
  don’t need a serious commitment.

• I
  am comfortable with casual sex.

• ”Non-relationship
  relationships” are preferable to a traditional one.

• I’m
  too young to expect what I want.

• Stating
  my needs is a sign of insecurity.

• Putting
  a man’s needs ahead of mine is all a part of compromise in a
  successful relationship.

• There’s
  no way I can keep a man without being sexually active.

• There’s
  no way I can maintain intimacy unless physical affection takes
  place.

Lies!
Lies! Lies!

And
the sad part is, I had come to believe them.

I’ll
be the first to admit, that I have been the victim of many
destructive relationships with great men. I know that sounds like yet
another lie that I’ve told myself, but with growth comes healing
and with healing comes truth…

And
the truth is they were no scum bags thugs.

The
men in my life were highly intelligent, very humorous and keenly
attractive. They were all goal-oriented and ambitious. Many of them
were candidates for a healthy, productive relationship. That is,
until I started lying to them, but never without first lying to
myself.

See,
I’ve had many friends who sent the men in their lives through
unnecessary drama. They were jealous and possessive. Many of my male
friends complained of the maintenance that dating young women
entailed, so I always prided myself in being unique.

I
was determined to make myself the ideal woman, the woman men desired.
I would be attractive, intelligent and funny while also being someone
who wanted no more than what a man was able to give. I would not
demand a monogamous relationship, for that was sure to put
unnecessary pressure on them. I would listen to all of their female
issues, provide the solutions while guaranteeing no ”unrealistic
expectations” in the relationship that I had with them while
priding myself in escaping the stereotype of being the ”typical
woman”. But I was not feeling attractive and I was so longing for a
monogamous relationship.

After
years of living this lifestyle, how could I turn back? And in a way,
why should I? At least this way I was not vulnerable to the men that
I was involving myself with. How could I be? They were in my life on
my terms. I received the benefits of being someone’s girlfriend
without the responsibilities. I had it made!

That
is until they started ending their relationship with me to be with
the women that they initially complained about. But if you want to
know who you are, look at who you attract.

I
was lying to myself and they were lying to me. They were thinking
that I was the solution to their problems, but I two sick people
cannot heal each other—especially when their illness is falsehood
and denial.

I
was not the cure for their emotional ailments. I was just the
band-aide on their temporary wound of loneliness. Sure, they wanted
me in their life, not because they needed me but because they were
using me. Using me as a diversion, as a vacation but never as a companion. Particularly because I never requested it,
mostly because I never demanded it and that’s no one’s fault but
my own.

I
was hurt and lonely. I was feeling cheap and used. Sex was becoming
something that I partook in to distract me from my pain and no longer
something that I enjoyed. What began as potentials for healthy
friendships, ended as toxic relationships. I disliked them for not
loving me and they did not trust me enough to learn how.

All
of this was a result of my lies, both to them and to myself and I did
not know where to go from this point. I only knew that this was no
longer working. I was now addicted to self-abuse and it was causing
me to die at a slow and steady pace. Initially, I saw no way out, but
then it dawned on me.

My
problem was lying, so my solution must be to tell the truth.

• I
  am attractive.

• I
  do not need a man to maintain my consanguity.

• I
  am a doormat only when I lie down.

• It’s
  not a man’s fault when I am not honest with them about what I want
  in a relationship, but I do not have to make any apologies when I
  finally realize what I do desire in a romantic alliance.

• Queens
  deserve no less than kings.

• And
  the biggest revelation of all is that I AM A QUEEN!

The
day that I came to know this truth was one of the scariest, yet most
exhilarating moments in my life. I knew since I had now decided to be
honest with myself, continuing to live in my lies would be more
detrimental than ever before. I knew that in order for me to live a
life free of self-affliction, I had to give up the drug that once
provided so much comfort and relief for me—mendacity and
falsification.

• No
  more telling myself that my heart and body should be taken casually.

• No
  more expecting a man to do more for me than I was willing to do for
  myself.

• No
  more mistaking lust for love.

• No
  more camouflaging piercing, ardent pain with temporary, carnal
  pleasure.

• I
  deserve no less than what I want.

• And
  what I want is a monogamous, moral, upstanding, permanent
  relationship first with myself and then with others.

I
can now say that I am prepared for the withdrawals from the inner
secrets of my past and am excited about the future that is before me.
I am thankful that God has granted me the opportunity for me to come
into this revelation of truth. Relieved that I can do nothing about
yesterday, grateful for a chance to change tomorrow.

But
mostly, I’m appreciative for today.

A
day I’ve never seen with before. A day that will be filled with no
lies and only truth.