Why are we so often resistant to change?  Pornography steals our lives right out of our hands. So many live as though they will never have their life back as they obsess and worry about the next time they’ll be alone to have their time to satisfy the craving, seemingly selling their soul for a moment of pleasure and a quick fix to take it all away and escape reality.

This explains why we are resistant to change.  Masturbating to porn “works”…temporarily.  We know it works for the simple price of stealing away our lives and the relationships we hold so dear. But perhaps we don’t value these people enough to move forward. Perhaps we are afraid. That’s why for every time we say it’s done and we’re through we find ourselves hours, days, months, years back doing the same thing.  

We don’t care enough to change. But we’re not entirely content where we are…so we pray, begging God to take this away from us, but yet there is nothing to hold us back and say, “Hey, wake up!”  Wake up from the fantasy of lies that I’ve built around myself and take control, give control up to God in order to get back the life I sold to pornography so many years ago.

But I doubt if God truly holds contentment and satisfaction beyond the temporary release of orgasm.  When I start having these thoughts, I realize I don’t understand the meaning of sexuality as God intended.  It was never supposed to be about me and me only.  My time has not yet come to experience that – yet He has given me so much right now: the blue skies, friends to have open and honest conversations with, people who care, a bachelor’s degree…some of these things were freely given whereas others I had to work and fight for.  

I know pornography “works”.  I know that’s why I’ve resisted the change I desire. But I also know that this is an abuse of God’s intentions. Pornography has never so much satisfied for a cheap thrill so much as it has disgusted me and left me disgusted at me. It has been an insult to who I am in my innermost being; a pure soul that has been tainted by the darkness of this fallen world.

I’ve felt dirty because of porn. Used. Raped.  My soul has been torn apart because of the things I have seen. I’ve held onto the guilt, which has created this cycle of self-hate where I am the victim.

I refuse to play the victim.  This is not my identity.  

Change isn’t easy.  It means being open to possibilities of living life with less – but in the case of addiction, less becomes more as you start to replace it with healthy alternatives.  For me, this includes therapeutic workbooks and a drum. I am not a musician, but I have found solace and comfort in creating.  Perhaps we were meant to be more like our God, creating as He did – through the Arts.  

It means finding a better form of release. For me, the drum allows for this release. The same goes with other forms of creativity, as well.  I love talking with people and helping them. I want to be a counselor someday and let people know that their past and present problems do not define them.  Their future is clear and free and open.  

Your future is up to you to decide. Will you be free from your addiction? In these given present moments, cherish them and nurture them to be a stronger reality than the fantasy porn has given to you through manipulation and lies. That’s what it does; but porn never satisfies. Keep pressing forward. Trust God. Trust the good heart within you. Freedom does exist. Don’t give up based upon what you feel you can and can’t do. Perhaps it’s cliché, but with God, we have strength in our weakness, and even the impossible is made to be possible. 

It’s not easy, but it’s doable. 

Relapse happens, but we continue to fight and pick back up and press on. We persevere because our end goal has not been met. 

Keep pressing on.