I find it very difficult to fulfill specific sexual requests from my husband that imitate porn positions/moves. Our sex life is so mechanical; with no signs of intimacy.  Huh, sound just like a porn video right? Right!

How dare you ask me to move like this or turn like that because you’re thinking of another woman from a video?! I’m not opposed to trying different things sexually but can we not create our own fantasies and stop imitating others?

“Hard and quick” is only cool when you want it that way.  100% of the time, hard and quick is quite frankly boring and uninteresting.  I know exactly what he will do to get me semi-aroused in order to give him what he desires.  After he gets want he wants, I’m left feeling cheated and frustrated.  He’s so accustomed to seeing sex performed one way that he cannot understand when I tell him what I need.  I need to be held and caressed and kissed and touched.  On the rare occasion that we do have sex, I would like it to be meaningful.  

I’ve read that porn causes men’s sexual interest to decrease.  It’s definitely true with my husband. So, when we do have sex, I do not want to imitate someone on a video from an industry that is the source of our marital dysfunction and relational decline.  It’s a slap in the face to me, our relationship and marriage. He gets so wrapped in the positions that he forgets about the pleasure of the act itself.

I will not take an acting role in a movie I was not cast in.  Maybe I should start charging him for the awkward sexual positions I’m told to get in.  It’s cost me everything-my pride and dignity. Perhaps he should begin to pay as well. It would be different if my husband owned up to the fact that he still viewed porn quite frequently, but he does not.  What he does not realize is our sex life or lack thereof is a direct indication to me that he still views it way more than he will ever admit.

I’m usually very optimistic and hopeful when I speak of my husband’s addiction and our sex life. However, today I am sexually frustrated and pissed off.  I’m at my sexual peak and in a God ordinated union.  Why am I not having healthy sex on a consistent basis?!?  I’m not because my husband’s addicted to porn!

Until deliverance and restoration comes, I will continue walking through this storm with faith knowing that my God is bigger than my husband’s addiction.  I will continue to pray for my husband’s deliverance and for restoration in our marriage.  I will be as open and honest as I possibly can with him regarding my feelings about our sex life and our future.  And, I will continue to seek the Lord and give Him thanks for what only He is capable of doing in our marriage. He’s been known to raise the dead before. I know the Lord can and will bring life back into my marriage and bless us with a healthy sex life.  

Patiently waiting with praise and thanksgiving on my lips,

Maya Journey