“And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.”—Hebrews 6:15 (NKJV)
OK…this piece is definitely for the GROWN FOLKS. If you’re even remotely squeamish about sex then…spare yourself the heartache and me the complaining comments (LOL). This is for the single women who want to be freed, once and for all, from sexual impurity (in thought and indeed) and for those who want some *solid reasons* why they should wait until their wedding night. The Lord doesn’t come up with instructions “just so he can”. Hebrews 13:4 (NKJV) “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” serves a great, great purpose and I Corinthians 6:16-20 (Message) is something we all should take very seriously:
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’ There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for ‘becoming one’ with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”
Today, May 1, is a special day for me. Back in October (of 2009), I was praying to the Lord about the desires of my heart concerning my future covenant partner. Now those of you who’ve been reading my stuff for awhile know that I am pretty clear when I’ve heard from the Holy Spirit—the Comforter (John 14:26). Anyway, this is what he told me:
“If you masturbate *at all* between now and May, don’t ask us anything about [next summer] concerning revelations about your mate.”
Oh trust me when I say that I took that *very seriously*, you have no idea (LOL). Actually, that was a similar thing that I heard about a year ago regarding ever taking another “trip” back to porn (my other “sex appetizer”). More and more, I’m coming to see, respect and understand that the Lord answers ALL PRAYERS; even the ones that *we* forget about. Since around 12, I have *been saying* that I 1) wanted to break the curse of sexual addiction in my family 2) didn’t want to have sex with my husband prior to marriage and 3) wanted to be happily married…in every room of my house.
Right now I am smiling with a bit of a smirk because on this side, seven months out, of no masturbating (and trust me, for *me* that is QUITE the feat), I’ll tell you that while there have been some looooooooooooong nights coming up out of this thing, as someone who used to use it as my own sexual form of a sleeping pill, it’s been a challenging-yet-freeing experience. Matter of fact, I now call the act, “Satan’s butt whippin’” because masturbating before going to bed is a lot like the spankings I recall getting as a child before falling asleep. Quite honestly, the sleep was some of the best I ever had. But the price to get it? So not worth it. When you think about the fact that I Corinthians 7:4 (NKJV) tells us that, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” and that overall, when it comes to our bodies I Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us that our bodies are where the Holy Spirit dwells and that because we were bought with a price, we are not our own…when really do we have the “right” to use our bodies sexually solely for personal, uh, gain? Prior to marriage, the Holy Spirit contains it. After marriage, our husbands have authority over it (just like we do theirs…can’t wait…CAN’T WAIT!).
I was actually talking to an engaged couple on yesterday about the power and purpose of waiting until marriage and I laughed when the groom-to-be said, “Can you just imagine what *your* next orgasm is gonna be like?”
No. I can’t. (LOL) But that gave me *just one more thing* to look forward to. And now that I think about it, causing my own climaxes in the past was a bit…of a let down. I once read, by a Christian author, that an orgasm is the closest glimpse into the feeling of heaven that we will have on this earth in this lifetime. It’s the culmination of praise and worship in the marital covenant bed; the “right high note” if you will. So, that would mean that “sex by myself” is another ultimate counterfeit. There’s no “harmony” alone, so there’s nothing godly about it. I used to think it was a physical pacifier but to use/abuse my body to try and replicate what only my husband should be giving me. Yeah…no wonder they call it “jacking off”. What a waste of time…energy…I could keep going, but I think you get it.
And so, because I now know that I can boldly and confidently go to the Lord about the next level of my “marital training and preparation” (uh, cause he said I could), I tried to figure out how I could celebrate today. I resolved that one of the best ways to do it is to assist other women in getting to this place and beyond. And, I figured the best way to do that was to enlist women on the other side of this journey: some of my married friends who LOVE sex with their husbands and ain’t ashamed to say it…talk about it…or share why it’s worth the wait…even though some of them waited…and some of them didn’t, one thing they ALL agree on is covenant sex is the BEST sex. Ministers-in-training, remember what my Mama says, “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher.” It’s never too late to become pure and whole…AND REMAIN THAT WAY.
I decided to share each of their stories, just as they wrote them, because I have a feeling that ALL OF THEM have something for EACH OF YOU and I don’t want my (non-grammatical) editing to cause anyone to miss out. As for me, I’ll just say this: I woke up this morning thinking about Ashanti’s song “Good Good” and I ain’t ashamed to admit it (LOL). Now that the Lord has purified this vessel and now that I am more committed than ever to keep it that way, when I think of the hook, “When my man leaves the house, I know he’s coming right back…I got that ‘good good’”, I don’t think about it in the terms of how the “streets is talkin’” does (LOL). It’s not just going to be good TO him, but good FOR him. I’m making sure of that *now*. But honoring him *now*…by saving myself. NOW.
When you *save*…there’s more to *spend*. Remember that. 😉
And thank you, *so much* wives…for letting us in…just a lil’ bit. Good seed onto good ground. I assure you (right ladies?!? RIGHT).
JOANNA WILLIS: “Happily married women who have Christ at the center of their marriage have the best sex in my opinion. This is true because majority of these types of couples have trust, honesty, fidelity, openness and fun in their marriage and bedroom.
My husband and I waited to have sex until marriage. It was hard but we were glad that God gave us the grace to do it. He gets all of the glory. We were able to learn together what pleased the other. We don’t have to worry about whose cheating on you, if he’s going to come home at night, where each other has been. Married sex is good when the marriage is good.
Every woman needs to know that she is worth the wait. If he loves you, wants you oh-so-bad and can’t live without you, HE SHOULD PUT A RING ON IT! Love is commitment. Legal married holy sex is passionate, carefree, wild, steamy, fun and so worth the wait. It’s not heartbreaking, drama-filled and lonely like premarital sex often times is. Trust me, I know. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married (though I had not slept with my husband. He was a virgin however and he is awesome in bed!). Don’t believe the lie that you have to try someone out before you marry them. If you honor God with your body and in your relationship, He will honor and bless you two in the bed room!”
LATONJA CUMMINGS : “Okay, the FIRST thing that comes to mind is a question: ‘Are YOU worth the WAIT or the WEIGHT?’ Although neither myself nor my husband were virgins when we got married, he RESPECTED me enough (after the proposal I MUST ADMIT) to WAIT until we said ‘I Do’. It was then and only then that we were FREE ENOUGH to do WHATEVER we have WANTED to do! There are NO LIMITS to THE MARRIED BED and its well worth the WAIT!
On the other hand I have ‘experienced’ the WEIGHT of NOT WAITING and it comes with pure HELL! Your spirit is connected to all the other spirits that it has ‘hooked up’ with and you NEVER seem SATISFIED because one spirit has or does something that the other one doesn’t. My husband and I are FREE in our marriage and our BEDROOM (which I like to consider the SANCTUARY OF OUR LOVE!). It’s MORE than about just SEX; it’s where we GROW together. We read our Word there, we pray there, then we gets BUCK WILD there BECAUSE WE CAN! GOD HONORS IT and there are NO BOUNDARIES or GUILTY CONSCIENCE after we are done getting’ our FREAK on! So in the end you have to ask yourself, ‘Am I worth the WAIT or the WEIGHT (baggage that is unnecessary)’?”
ANGELA SHANNON PONDER: “Well, for me, it is nothing like knowing that ‘IT’ is mine and though others may be curious, I can rest in that confidence. There is no feeling more special when it comes to your spouse. Men like knowing it’s a wrap on anything before they came along. My husband likes knowing that I was celibate for a decent time period before I met him, and although we did not wait on experiencing each other, we see things SO much clearer now. We deepened our relationship with God TOGETHER, and because of this, we are better companions and better parents.
We have been married for 13 yrs (together 16) and I LOVE knowing that he (and IT) is mine, ‘’til death do us part’. Even through the trials and imperfections, this is it, and I’m so grateful. No diseases, no baby daddies/mommas, because my two seeds are his alone. I love it!!! If I had it to do over, he would be my only. It would we well worth the wait.”
DEDE OBUSAN NESBITT: “Okay – no condoms finally; no more fear in case we do get pregnant since we’d love to have another baby; no awkwardness the next morning; no masturbation needed (smile) and no issues with my body not being ‘good’ enough.”
AMY MURPHY: “I have been married for eight years now and we have become so close in many ways, but especially in the area of sex. We know how to turn each other on. I can look into his eyes and see the passion and deep love that is there. We have found a whole new level of intimacy that is unbelievable–the bar is raised! Knowing that I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not; he loves me and my body just the way I am; being able to say ‘I am so madly in love with you’ just makes the sex amazing and I have never felt like I needed to look elsewhere. I believe that God designed it to be this way.
If you are Christ followers as a married couple and are not afraid to worship and pray together, it allows other aspects such as sex to bring you closer and continue falling more in love. Single sex was not in God’s plan and so when we live our lives outside of God’s design we will continue searching for something that does not exist. We will never know the true meaning of freedom in sex. God knows what he is doing and I believe if we follow his instruction on marriage, that amazing things will happen. I am a lucky woman to have a husband that loves the Lord and does everything in his power to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.”
LASHAWN N. BARBER: “My husband and I met and I had no idea he was who I was to marry. I had my list of what I wanted and didn’t want. He had a couple of ‘didn’t wants’ and not too many of my ‘surface’ wants. Obviously, I was what he wanted…he proposed after only two months of dating. 12 years later (our anniversary is 5/16), we are still going strong and still loving each other.
We did have premarital sex–despite how sure we were that God had brought us together and despite how we were trying to walk upright. [My husband] let me move in with him (mostly for financial reasons) and it was all-too-easy to just do what we wanted. Then, we had an epiphany and realized that we HAD to do this right. We lived in the same house, in the same bed for nine months before our wedding without sex.
I remember during our early months together, our sex was great–but I was always thinking about or comparing to all the other guys I had been with. So it was not ‘pure’ in that respect. I was simply enjoying the act of sex…and definitely not focusing on the person, the spirit, and the sanctity of sex.
I also remember that, almost as soon as we got married, those comparisons and all that reminiscing of other men I had been with…well that seemed to really go away. I was so fully and wholeheartedly into THIS man and the spiritual significance of what God had done with THIS covenant. I was fulfilled in my SOUL and SPIRIT–so it was then beyond the act. It was completely fulfilling. The spiritual connection through a physical connection –and it felt (and still feels) PURELY GODLY…in everything that we do in our marriage bed.”
SHARMAYN CHAMPION STOVES: “I hope it’s okay for an old married woman who did NOT do it right to weigh in here. I married my husband 20 years ago for… lust. Oh yeah, we were very fond of one another but we went to bed almost immediately after we started dating and within a few months I was pregnant. Add to this equation the fact that at the time of my marriage I already had a 1-year-old (from another man) and you have one big ole hot mess ( ALL OUT OF ORDER!)!
We were both ‘Christians’. I was for real saved but my hubby was only ‘churched’. After we married we continued to have good sex but most of the remaining areas of our lives were ‘toe up!’ ( Harry Shaumburg, in his book, ‘Undefiled’ calls this a ‘false intimacy’ — I highly recommend this book.)
There is so much I could tell you about the regrets I have…so much to my story, but I really just want to say that I have a burden in my heart to CHALLENGE and ENCOURAGE young women to DO THIS THING GOD’S WAY! I have the most AMAZING marriage now but I have had to go to hell-and-back as we have reaped the seeds of immorality that we sowed in our pre-married days.
Last year my husband had *two* affairs with women in our small church, both were friends, the first was like a sister to us. It just about killed me. Indeed it did murder our marriage… but like Lazarus, the Lord God called it out of the tombs and gave us something neither of us ever thought possible. We were separated for six weeks last summer and reconciled in September.
In January we moved and the Lord has been so mighty to us! As I said, our previous life consisted of lots of ‘good sex’. We were both pretty satisfied, at least in that aspect. But as we began to heal from the infidelity God took this thing to a whole ‘nother level. Our new bedroom is our sanctuary. We pray and read the scriptures, we talk, we laugh and cry and we make the most passionate and indescribable love. I am still basking in the glow of the last two nights (AND this morning!). I did not know there could still be things we could learn and experience in pleasuring one another after 20 years. I am entering into an understanding of the fact that the expressions of God’s holy love are quite possibly as infinite as He.
The marriage bed is truly undefiled. I guess I just want to ENCOURAGE those of you who are waiting to WAIT! It will be so worth it. And to those married girls like me who didn’t, and are struggling, WAIT on the Lord. He is a redeemer. Like the children of Israel, the breach can be repaired (Isaiah 58:12). God is able to do a new thing. And you can know love unspeakable!
Whether you are going against the tide of culture to maintain your virginity or your abstinence, or if you are trying to know TRUE intimacy in your marriage now, allow the Lord to keep you as you trust His promises: ‘See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.’ (Isaiah 43:19) He has SO got you!” ♥
ASHIYA JOHNSON SWAN : “We’ve only been married for seven months, but after a five- year friendship and a six-year off/on relationship, I know my husband. While we weren’t obedient during the entire relationship, there came the time where we ‘knew’ we had found ‘the one’. With that consciousness, obedience became more natural. We were teens when we met and I believe that is why we evolved over 11 years. If we were more spiritually mature as individuals when we met, I don’t believe the wait would have been an issue. When we knew better, we did better and I know God honored that. I believe the :):):) physical intimacy in our marriage is a reward for the spiritual obedience in our marriage. I’m thinking, ‘If he will listen to me plan out an outfit, he’s willing to listen to anything I have to say.’ Communication in every aspect is easy when you know who you’re talking to. I am a happy woman.”
RONNA-LEE ESTHER BELL : “My husband and I were married almost 19 years ago. When we started dating we had an extremely hard time keeping our hands off of each other …and nothing in society or even our parents told us not to go too far. There seemed to be no consequences other than the possibility of a baby (which ‘educated’ people should know how to prevent -right?). The only thing that held us back for a little while was a sense of morality that was put upon us by being raised Adventist or ‘Christian’. At college it seemed that everyone was ‘doing it’. And this was one of our SDA colleges. So we had pre-marital sex…and it’s the ramifications of that action I wish to comment on.
Because we were ‘Christians’ we deluded ourselves that in the eyes of God that we were now married (despite the fact that we had no marriage certificate). We told ourselves that it was only the natural progression of a relationship…which it is. This is why it’s so important to be friends for a long time and get to know each other very well before even holding hands for the first time. We rationalized and rationalized . . . because when we were together we had zero self-control. As a side note – the premarital sex ruined any idea of being a pure white bride and the excitement and specialness of our wedding night.
To complicate things, I had been molested when I was a young teenager and then with the addition of the premarital sex, I began to think of myself as ‘only good for one thing’. And soon, I was the most insecure female on the planet. I believed the only reason that Rodney wanted to marry me was because I gave him what he wanted. I wasn’t SURE of his love…only of his desire. This was a huge problem early in our marriage. It made me jealous and insecure. I couldn’t see that I had any other qualities to be desired other than a vagina.
It has taken me/us many years to sort through my unhappiness, guilt, and shame that premarital sex caused in my life. Of course, the molestation really complicated my thinking…but that’s a different topic altogether. There has been much prayer, forgiveness, and grace that has passed through our home and lives together.
I believe there are many benefits to having a trusting intimate marital relationship. You can’t overlook that this kind of relationship gives both stability and self-respect. Stability in the idea that you don’t have to wonder if you are loved, cherished, and desired. Self-respect in the sense that you are not just sleeping around…someone sees you as a keeper . and in a committed relationship you can be a complete person outside of your sexual experience. Because there is nothing worse than feeling like your only purpose is to fulfill the desire of another.
I guess I think it would be important for you to tell people that premarital sex hurts your intimacy in marriage. It’s not insurmountable, but something to be looked at with wisdom and understanding. If you want the best kind of intimacy you should refrain from premarital ‘false intimacy’. And if you’ve already made the premarital sex mistake… some good counseling about the topic of sex and intimacy should probably take place.”
A PRIVATE WIFE WITH A POWERFUL TESTIMONY (I’m posting this one because I know a few people with this issue): “I married as a virgin; however I met my husband online and needless to say it was a whirlwind courtship. Although I asked ALL the right questions, he didn’t know he had herpes. Soooooo…need I say more? BUT it meant SOOOOO much to go through this experience with HIM instead of having had herpes before marriage then having to explain, etc. So he stuck by me, took responsibility, apologized immensely, allowed me to be mad at him, God, and the whole bit. He never shamed me, etc. So you just never know. My husband could have blamed me for everything–you know how some men are–but he stood by me, and I stood by him. We’re celebrating 7 years this June. And two beautiful children later.
I also wanted to say how I hardly ever experience breakouts due to medical advice. I really don’t think about it….. [tell your friends that they] should not give up marriage. It’s good that [they be] abstinent. I have another friend who has herpes and is not living an abstinent lifestyle unfortunately. She told how upfront she is about her condition to men she meets and THEY ARE NOT PHASED! They just ask her ‘Are you having a breakout right now?’ So, I am VERY sure there is a godly man out there who would love your friends and appreciate them. Also tell them that I use an over-the-counter amino acid called Lysine that works WONDERS; much better for me than an anti-viral prescription medication.”
And bringing in the rear (LOL), my goddaughter’s Mommy, TIA SMEDLEY MITCHELL with her “TOP 10 WORTH THE WAIT” list (love this woman!) :
Why I love sex with Dante Mitchell:
1) I don’t have to get in the car and drive home late at night. My bed is right where the sex is.
2) My prayer life is not interrupted. There are no demonic interferences due to the fornicating that I used to do. I used to pray seeking information and right before my eyes, something I did with someone would flash before me and then I would feel riddled with guilt. It’s tough to fight through that process. There’s none of that now.
3) No matter what I do, how I do it, to what extent…I’m not making trips to the clinic because I’m worried about getting an STD.
4) I’m guaranteed a climax EVERY SINGLE TIME because it’s his, he owns it…AND HE KNOWS IT.
5) I don’t have to be body-conscious. I have three children. He’s not “put off” by my stretch marks. He was there when they started to develop. He understands the beauty behind them. The purpose that they served.
6) I’m gonna clean this up for y’all: I’m comfortable with my cistern and so is he…it belongs to both of us (LOL). There’s stuff I used to do and then wonder, “Do I want to kiss you after THAT?!?” Not a problem now (LOL).
7) He doesn’t just *love* my body, but he *likes* it. He recently told me that I am his ideal body type. I love that.
8) Before babies, my body was BANGIN’ (Shellie is interjecting here…IT STILL IS, TIA). I had a six-pack and all. And yet, because of the shame that I felt while fornicating, I still preferred sex in the dark. It’s all LIGHT now, baby! When you know the person and love them, you have nothing to hide. (I would ask that you all pray we get into a house so we don’t have to offend our neighbors anymore-LOL).
9) If I wake up (after sex) and he’s not there, I don’t have to worry about where he is. I know he’s somewhere taking care of his family.
10) I’m not worried about my business being put out in the street. What I do, what I like to do, how I like it done…he doesn’t want anyone knowing that, anyway (LOL). That’s OUR BUSINESS.
Yes, yes. A wise man once said, “When you know better, you do better.” If this wasn’t a crash course in “Why Wait 101”, I don’t know what is. I hope this provided for some revelation…others confirmation…but *all* the information needed to be/remain sexually pure. You, your Beloved and your marriage deserve as much. God’s been holding back time to see to it that you realize it…live it…in preparation to celebrate it.
Love to you and your future Beloveds,