OK, I hope you guys are ready because we are really gonna “go there” today.
It’s 2:19am here in Nash’vegas (Nashville, TN) and I would love nothing more than to GO TO BED, but something that I have tried to keep in the forefront of my mind this year is that peace should be my guide.Â So, since I am not at peace about turning in without penning this blog entry, I take it that it must be done.
Now, I will say this: While I welcome EVERYONE to read “Butterflies”, when I came on to the XXXChurch scene, it was because they wanted to female voice geared towards the ladies and so while both genders are sexual beings (and yes, God made it that way, but we’ll have to get to that at another time), what I am about to say on the topic of masturbation is strictly coming from a “woman’s personal experience” perspective.Â I know that in many ways we are wired differently from the guys and so I just wanted to put that disclaimer out there.
As a single, attractive woman who when I was sexually active really enjoyed it, masturbation has been a struggle for a lot of my adult life.Â I even recall who got me into it.Â It was a man who never laid a finger on me (which goes to show you why you have to be careful of not only who touches you, but who speaks into your life as well).Â He was a professor in college and while I am not sure how he even ended up discussing the issue with a table of students while we were at dinner, he said something to me that changed my life—especially my sex life.
After hearing me say that I was sexually active (with my first and only at the time), but not getting what all of the hype was about, he said, “You’ve never had an orgasm?Â Have you ever masturbated?Â No?Â Well, that’s your problem. How can you expect someone to please you when you can’t even please yourself?”
I didn’t have an answer for that, but let me say something right here:Â When God said that a man should leave his father and mother, unite with his wife, become one flesh and be naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:24-25), this introduces us to the purpose of sex.Â Sex is not meant for you and your boyfriend, you and your fiance’, you and your “homie-lover-friend”, or even you and yourself.Â SEX IS MADE FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND (or if you are a guy eavesdropping on this conversation, you and your wife).Â Anytime you settle for less than this, it’s counterfeit and problematic.
But, like I said, I didn’t know this at the time andÂ I have the tendency to be pretty hard-headed so it took several men, four abortions, a sex addiction and several bouts of depression to come to this revelation…and during this time, I developed a huge dependency on masturbation.
Like the devil, my teacher had some truth in what he said.Â I had no clue on what pleasing Shellie was actually like and so when I mastered “physical fireworks” for the first time, it was like a whole new world to me!Â After months of watching movies to fake the sounds that chicks make during sex scenes, the green light was coming on and from where I sat, it was full speed ahead.Â But remember, sex with anyone or anything that is not your covenant partner is not God’s best for you and so what first felt like a heart’s desire ended up being a sexual addiction.
Lust masked as love making can be weird like that.Â I figured being sexually satisfied would actually bring me and my partner closer together, but it actually aided in tearing us even more apart.Â What he couldn’t do for me, I discovered I could do for myself—and I did, often…even after he wasn’t an issue anymore.Â At first, being close to him was what mattered most, but it wasn’t long before the climax became my fix and I was hooked.Â Him or not, I was gonna get that fix.
Now, this is a blog and not a book and so I am not going to get into ALL of the reasons why I think you should rethink masturbation as your “tide me over” (which I know a lot of you reading this believes it should be).Â Tonight, I actually want to touch on just one aspect.
Ladies, now you know we can conjure up some pretty insane things in our minds.Â As one of my male friends says, “Women have the tendency to write, produce, direct and star in dramas all by themselves” and he’s right.Â When it comes to what we need for sexual stimulation, this truth also applies.Â There are studies to show that sex—especially fulfilling sex—starts in the mind (another reason why we have to watch who speaks to us).Â But what happens when there is no one talking to us?
According to About.com (the marriage section), a Kinsey report states that 40% of men and 30% of women in relationships maturbate.Â A study in Playboy states that 72% of married men masturbate and a Redbook article claims that 68% of married women masturbate.Â Another statistical analysis reports that 90% of the total male population masturbates and 65% of the total female population follows suit.
So that means that a whole lot of us are caught up in this activity.Â I have read articles, even in Christian magazines, that seem to imply that it’s OK, but like I said, I believe that sex is meant for two people and I am only here to address one theory.
Because sex starts in the mind, this would lead me to believe that no woman can enjoy masturbation without thinking about something.Â I will give the 30-68% of women in relationships the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re fantasizing about their boyfriends and husbands (although if you have access to them, I am not so sure why you would not use that to your advantage).Â But, what about the rest of us?Â If 65% of women masturbate and that includes single gals, what and who are we thinking about?Â Our ex?Â Our co-worker?Â Someone’s husband?Â Matthew McConaughey?Â Idris Elba? A porn star?Â Our pastor?
Whatever the case may be, if you are really honest with yourself, it probably ain’t just you and how cute you are runningÂ through your mind at those times,Â and if that’s the case, you are enjoying the thoughts of being involved with a man who isn’t yours.Â Proverbs 23:7 says that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.Â I am getting really vulnerable with you right now, but I have been in deep, intimate relationships with men whom I have never shared a single, tangible, sexual encounter with.Â Because they were on my mind “during the act”, it started psychologically bonding me to them.Â For every climax I had, because “he” was the focus, I started returning to him for the next “hit” and soon, there we were: having a sexual relationship without him even knowing it.Â Â And now,Â here I amÂ sexually bound to someone allÂ because ofÂ theÂ mental fantasies and vain imaginations that I chose not to control.
Let me tell you from personal experience, this habit is just as hard to break as the physical encounters I’ve had, if not more because (hello) fantasies are not real and so the lovers of my mind were able to do things for and to me that no “real man” ever had.Â The mental detox that one has to go through to break this kind ofÂ stronghold is more than you could even begin to imagine (if you don’t believe me, try it sometime).
I could go on and on, but peace is settling in and so I will conclude with this.Â I KNOW THE WALK TOWARDS SEXUAL PURITY IS ROUGH.Â I didn’t write this to make you feel guilty (there’s no condemnation in Christ, remember?Â Romans 8:1), but I did want you to be aware.Â The Enemy often provides us with just enough truth to mask the lies.Â “It’s not as bad as actually having sex” is what he used to tell me all of the time.Â Sure, the consequences may not be the same (pregnancy, STDs, etc.), but there are still consequences.Â Whenever God brings me, a queen, to my king, I want to give him all of me—mind, body and soul.Â This means that, in my single state,Â not giving someone my body is not enough.Â I must watch who receives intimate access to my mind and thoughts as well.Â It would be a real shame to have my future husband “compete” with a figment of my imagination.Â A king definitely deserves soÂ muchÂ more than that.
Just something to think about.Â Good night. 🙂