Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?

Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you

Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I’ll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk (watch me walk)
I can walk and walk!
(I can walk!)

I shall call the pebble Dare
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will talk, we will talk together
We will talk (chorus) about walking
Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing:
“Meet your new road!”
Then I’ll take your hand
Finally glad
Finally glad
That you are here
By my side
——Lyrics “By My Side” from the musical Godspell

Me. <————- Always dreamt of a perfect relationship.

Not me. <——- Always dreamt of an actual God-driven marriage.

The ‘idea of being married’ and sharing my life with someone I loved more than anything, was always MY answer to my life.  I never wanted the white picket fence- I just wanted the husband and the kids.  I wanted them wrapped up inside of my Broadway musical career package I would someday give myself for being ‘successful’.  Instead of this illustrious expectation actually coming true, I ended up giving away my first wedding night almost ten years ago, and I’ve yet to perform in NYC.

At the age of 32, I still do not have the husband or kids. I have never been married, nor have I ever given birth to a human child.  Yet, I have experienced numerous sexual partners, felt the awful effects of divorce, been given understanding about what it’s like to adopt and be adopted, and am now preparing myself for God’s plan for my role as a part of a blended family, which is slowly developing as I type.  This is my spiritual journey and after all of the above, I look forward to a marriage that will have amazing sex that was planned for me, despite the stumbles.  The Lord has been extremely good to me. The reason I can look forward to marital covenant despite all the heartbreak, is because I don’t look forward to the kind of sex I used to have, which was self-fulfulling with my idea of an answer to a mate.  The kind of sex I thought I wanted is not what I ever needed.  The kind of sex God would like for me to have as His intentional, earth-shattering gift is celebratory, worshipful and spiritually-driven.  I believe this can only be attained through my marital covenant with my future husband.

The song lyrics printed above are from a musical loosely based on the gospel of Matthew.  Although this particular song was not originally written for Godspell, and is interpreted in several ways, based on the lucidness of the show’s improvisational opportunities, (see here for further explanation of the lyricist’s original meaning), it captures a scene in my heart, known all too well between Jesus and myself.  As I walk in my relationship with the Lord, I dare myself to try to do things my own way.  I tried to do sex my own way.  It doesn’t work. I ask myself constantly where I am headed, and I have to trust in the Lord’s direction to my footsteps, our walk.  I also have a view of the same scene with my future husband, with Jesus, asking the same questions to our Lord- together.  Every past lover is a dare pebble. God’s answer is always the same. Rejoicing with my future husband, praising God through our sexual intimacy, is going to be a highlight of my walk.  However, Jesus is the answer of ultimate fulfillment.  No other thing or person, past or present or FUTURE, can bless my whole being like His Love. When that Love is combined with my husband’s covenant, there is going to be amazing, LOVE in sex.

This woman. <——– on a joy-filled, spiritual sex bound walk.