Betrayal trauma is real and profoundly affects the partner/spouse. Sadly, we live in a society that normalizes porn. TV shows, movies, books and music send the message that it’s no big deal. It’s a VERY big deal. It has the potential to destroy relationships and it causes: pain, distress, anxiety, heartache, feelings of overwhelm, hopelessness, depression, anger, rage, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, concentration difficulty, increased isolation, hypervigilance, devastation, feelings of rejection, feelings of abandonment, humiliation, shame, helplessness and feeling out of control. Ladies, you aren’t crazy! These are symptoms of trauma.

There is another common characteristic of betrayal trauma: neglect of self. In the midst of so much loss, there is a loss of sense of self. And to make it even more challenging, we have believed a common misconception in the Church: Self care is selfish. According to Matthew 22:39 (CEB), self care is not optional. “And the second is like it: You must love your neighbor as you love yourself.” We tend to dismiss the qualifier of loving our neighbor. This verse indicates that we have a holy and biblical responsibility to care for ourselves as human beings created in the image of God.

Perhaps the idea of self care has been misconstrued because we tend to think of it in terms of self pampering and self indulgence. Self pampering might include: massages, bubble baths and getting one’s nails done. While there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with those, self care actually goes much deeper. Self indulgence is essentially a way to evade or escape AND it doesn’t address our unmet needs. It might include binge watching TV while binge eating.

Self care is:

  • energizing
  • life-giving
  • healing and nourishing to our bodies, minds, hearts and souls
  • self soothing (being able to regulate one’s own emotions)
  • hard work
  • intentional and on purpose
  • not always what I would choose to do (“I want donuts and tacos, ladies!”)
  • fuel (“I need lean protein and healthy greens.”)
  • directly deals with our unmet needs (physical, emotional, relational, intellectual, spiritual).

Basic physical needs include: hydration, nutrition, sleep and exercise. Our physical bodies display signs of what is going on in our inner lives, including trauma. What is your physical body telling you? Do you have aches, pains, sore muscles, stress in your shoulders, tightness in your chest…?

As stated in previous blog posts, we live in such a fast paced society with little to no time for reflection and meditation. Curiosity about your emotions, the ability to recognize the sensations in your body, offering yourself compassion and understanding and exploring why you might be feeling certain emotions, all contribute to emotional needs.

Learning something new, engaging in critical thinking, exploring new ideas and creativity are all examples of intellectual needs. Are you able to identify hobbies and interests that YOU enjoy? Has there been something that you have wanted to try? When is the last time you let creativity flow through art, music or writing?

How connected are you with others? Betrayal trauma can feel so isolating. Relationships with safe people contribute to our health and happiness. I would encourage you to join a support group for spouses – Find solidarity and emotional support by connecting with others who arewalking the same path, giving you a safe space to process your feelings and receive guidance as you navigate the challenges of your husband’s recovery. Healthy relationships are fundamental and necessary. Sadly, culture values self-reliance, self-determination, individualism and independence. We are wired for connection; to truly be seen, loved, known and accepted.

Prayer, meditation on Scripture, engaging in a faith community and being out in nature meet our spiritual needs. And since we are created in the image of God, our spiritual needs are also interconnected with each of the other components (physical, emotional, intellectual and relational).

Jesus modeled self care in a beautiful way as He spent time with the 12 disciples, pulled away from crowds during important times and spent time in meditation and prayer with God when He was physically tired. Parker Palmer said it best, “Self care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have; the gift I was put on this earth to offer others.”

If self care is a new concept for you or you have neglected yourself for a very long time, I highly encourage you to start with something small and basic, like prioritizing sleep, nutrition, hydration or exercise. What is one habit you can start today that would improve your life the most? What is one boundary you can implement by saying no?

Betrayal trauma can be exhausting, isolating and infuriating. Self care is not optional. It is energizing, life giving, healing, nourishing and directly meets our unmet needs.

References:

Triska, Joel & Rachel. “As You Love Yourself”. Life in Deep Ellum. 2014, June. Dallas, TX. Sermon Series