Have you ever wished that you could do things all by yourself? That maybe life would be easier if you could be content by yourself with no one to help you and be able to take care of yourself on your own. No one to care for, no one to let you down or leave you, no one to be upset with you, no one to be let down by.  So you go on with your daily routines, your job, your hobbies or whatever it is that you do. You take care of yourself, but avoid any deep friendships or relationships. You think if you can like being alone then loneliness will leave you. And you lay down at night and you just feel alone still. You might know that God is there but you feel like you’re talking to a wall. You could call someone but you don’t think they’d understand. So you wake up, and you still feel alone so you fill the void. Work more, party harder, make your life about your boyfriend or girlfriend, focus more on anything but the fact that you feel alone at the end of the day. I don’t know if this has happened to you, or in this way, but it happened to me and it was very real. And it sucked.

I remember after a pretty bad breakup, I was so devastated that I never really wanted to wake up the next morning. I remember laying in bed crying, not even over the guy, but just the empty feeling that I felt in my chest. People feel feelings differently, some people can physically feel theor emotions in theor body, some in their minds, some in their souls. I felt mine physically, the empty ache of loneliness that had been filled with too many things, hobbies, jobs, boyfriends, and materialistic things. I remember after the breakup, after I started picking myself up, I started praying. I didn’t really feel God to be honest. I always felt like an idiot talking to a brick wall. But after every prayer I knew that something had happened, a light of hope had shone through my walls and cracks in my heart and I started to see and think a little clearer. God revealed to me that it was never the guy I wanted; it was more of a desire to not feel empty. So when I lost him, and had to face the void again, it hurt me.

I’d like to say that I figured it out after that. That I learned a thing or two and didn’t do it again, but I didn’t.  I still struggle everyday with idolatry and not replacing God with anything in my life. I’d be lying if I said it was a piece of cake.  But what I learned is the root of my loneliness was never caused by my parents’ divorce , my breakups, my shady friends, my stubbornness to push people away, people that left me, people I left. I discovered the root of my loneliness was in my human nature. My loneliness was the desire for relationship, the desire that is wired into us as human beings. I just misunderstood, I thought I needed more and more people, But I really just wanted to be in touch with my God. I felt one night when I was laying there crying, not wanting to go on with anything anymore, a feeling in my flesh. A feeling of desire and yearning, a reach almost that came out of my chest. I think that night I really felt Psalms 84:2a “I long, yes I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord, with my whole being, body, and soul.”  There is a worship song worded differently too that says “My heart and flesh cry out, to you the living God” and that is exactly what I felt in those moments. It’s what I still feel in those moments, the moments of loneliness, feeling like I’m on my own with a lot of things. I feel a desire for comfort and oneness with someone. The thing I’ve just learned now, and learned the hard way is that there truly is only one way to have that void filled, that feeling satisfied and it’s in Jesus, in the presence of God. And even as I’m writing this I’m reminded that I never walk alone. That He will never leave me, even in my darkest. 

There is no formula, no prescription, or filler for loneliness or desire for relationship. A lot of people would argue to say there is. But our desire is not from our culture, our upbringing, or our circumstances. Our desire and that void, is in our existence as a human being. And the best part is my Jesus, your Jesus, our Jesus desires just as much to fill you as you desire to be filled. Just ask Him and see what happens, I dare you.