I started masturbating at a young age, it began as a coping mechanism that came from sexual abuse and as I got older it became more and more to satisfy the pleasure that I longed for and to cover up the emptiness and the brokenness that I had felt for so long. Pretty soon the routine of my sexual addiction, that I had since I was a child began to not fill my “need” and like everything else of this world it became unsatisfying. My solution? Sex toys …or so I thought. I had hopes and “dreams” of getting them once I was older, since I was only 13 or so and couldn’t really buy them without my parents. And that DEFINITELY was not going to happen! So I had made some plans to get sex toys as soon as I was old enough and had the capabilities to get them; as I thought out my plans I was forced to face some minor details that I felt like I couldn’t ignore.
I grew up in a Christian based home, with Christian based parents, and I went to Christian based schools for most of my growing up… so naturally I became the “little Christian girl” who was just “too innocent”, “tough on her boundaries” and “unmarked” by the world. …Uh … yeah THAT was what I wanted SO bad to truly be, and I was trying so hard to be that girl! And even though I had pretty much everyone fooled into believing that’s who I was, I still couldn’t fool God… or even myself when it came down to it. I didn’t want to blow my facade that I had so easily put up. Only people who had to know about the abuse knew what happened because it was meant to stay a “secret” and so no one even expected or even knew that I was secretly trying to cope or deal with all of this on my own. To walk in to a XXX store and actually buy what I so desperately wanted, would put my whole facade at risk. As I got older and I actually began following God with my heart I became less concerned about just how I would look but also how I would make the Savior look, that I so poorly represented anyways. What if the people in the store that I was going to knew I was a Christian, how would that affect my testimony? Because everything we do is eternal and even the everyday small things we do make a way bigger impact than what we could imagine. What if I was one of the only Christians that the people in the Adult store came in contact with? And even though they didn’t know I was a Christian that may have been a chance for them to be impacted by the very message that I claimed to represent, and for me to pass that off would be outright denying Christ.
You’re probably thinking “you don’t even need to talk to anyone to buy online” , but I didn’t have a card or any means to pay for it online, and once again I wasn’t going to ask my parents, that wasn’t really an option. And even though I’m sure I could find different ways to buy sex toys, because like any addict I could find ways to get over any obstacles that I faced to get what I needed to feed the hunger of the addiction. But I finally got to a point that I didn’t want to feed my addiction any more. I had done it for years in the end it will never fully satisfy, I would always end up wanting something else. Sex toys were not going to help me get free but were only going to feed the problem that I was already trying so hard to fight. Saying No! To sex toys meant saying no to the next step in my addiction. By saying no I was finally taking a stand against my flesh and what I wanted in hopes that I would eventually break free from the bonds that so tightly held me.
If you truly want freedom, you will not find it in seeking ways to satisfy your addiction. The only true freedom that can be had is found in Christ and what He did on the cross. We are all originally owned to slaves to desires, but when Christ died on the cross He gave us the option to accept or deny Him. If we accept Him, He will buy us back from this slavery of addiction. Jesus loves you, this I know.