Is it true for you too? Any time that I had viewed pornography, immediately afterward I felt like crap, worthless, defiant, horrible, dirty–like a failure. One thing that I have found interesting is that the moments leading up to the duty, one doesn’t usually think about how it will feel coming down from the high. We focus more on our “quick fix,” do everything in our power to achieve the fix, and then come crashing back to earth feeling like a horrid failure from the pits of Hell. Too much? Well, that’s how I feel when I come down from the high.
Why do we feel like such failures? For example, let’s say you’re an A+ student (even if you aren’t, let’s play pretend for story sake). You study for the exam, expect to do well, and BOOM, you get your test back and what do you know, you get a D. Not so A+ anymore. You feel like your big creation has come tumbling down–like a failure. Comparable, after viewing porn, masturbating, or whatever else you do, you feel the same. Why? I’m going to make an assumption. If you’re reading this, you’re probably looking for strength, help, guidance, etc (that’s what X3 is all about!). So I’m assuming that you’re one of those that want to defeat porn, put it in an old well, and place a cement lid on top to seal it. Back to the example, why did the A+ student feel so bad? It’s because the student had studied hard for the exam and their goal was to achieve the A+, but they didn’t. Thus, with my assumption, I would say you try hard not to indulge yourself in pornography. You have a goal and you miss it. Sounds like I’ve heard that somewhere before (I hate to be cliché).
Romans 3:23 (NIV84): “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” You’ve worked yourself up to a huge goal, admiral goal might I add, and you simply fail at it. A kind-hearted lady once said to me, “When you’re going through life, you’re going to screw up. You’re going to trip, fall down, and scrape a knee. But don’t just stay there, get your rear back up and keep moving toward your goal. Just because you fall down in the middle of a race doesn’t mean that you have to start all the way back over again, no! You pick up where you left off and keep going.” Is this as profound to you as it is to me? When she told me this, I was stunned and shocked. She had placed my situation into perspective. She continued, “When you fall, Jesus would never point laugh and say, ‘Well chap, you’ve got to start all over.’ He’d never do that. He kneels down, brushes our knees off, picks us up, and says, ‘Let’s go.’” Yet again, this lady opened my eyes.
Never lose your perspective or goal. Your goal is to be pure–pure of heart and mind, and actions. You’re going to fail. It’s that simple. We all have, and the Bible tells us to expect that in Romans 3:23. If I still have not convinced you, I’ll share just a little of what went on today when I met with my accountability partner.
We met today, and I’d have to say it was interesting. We spoke of our struggles, particularly mine (I’ll address that in a moment). He shared with me, and this opened my eyes, that he very, very rarely still struggles with pornography. I said that we spoke more so of my struggles, I’m not where I was (Thank God!), but I’m not where I want to be yet. It’s an ongoing struggle. We were talking of how it will probably be an ongoing struggle for the rest of our lives. We have triggers and ticks that, if we aren’t careful, will draw us back into pornography. If it’s been two hours, two days, two weeks, two months, or two years before I relapse and view once more, I still feel like a failure. But there’s grace for that. Grace is there for you. Persist, persevere, and conquer! You’re not alone.