It’s pretty ironic when you think about it. You feel lonely and isolated so you look at porn to make you feel better. Next thing you know you are turning down invites just so you can stay in and become better acquainted with your computer.
Porn is like that. It will trick you into thinking it can solve your problem but really just wants to make it worse. And it will. Every time.
I have seen this work so well in my own life. I would become so stuck in looking at porn that the shame and hopelessness it made me feel resulted in me not wanting to do anything. How can I go and face my friends when I have just looked at porn? How can I go to church and see people all around me loving Jesus and having their lives all good with God, knowing full well what I just did? How can I help my own accountability partner with his crap when I am swimming in my own? I would wear my “porn made sunglasses” inside so no one could really see the hurt in my eyes.
Porn works wonders for those wanting to become hermits.
But even in those times when you do go out and socialize, there is still that invisible cloud hanging over your head. The one that you can see and feel pour down on you but are able to “hide” from your friends. There have been so many times that I felt awkward in social situations and out of place and then I tried too hard to fit in. Tried to make up for the clear isolation I caused by forcing it. When really, relationships are real and honest when we just be ourselves.
I used to actually get nervous if I saw someone I knew just on the street. I would try and avoid them. Not wanting to have to pretend to be doing OK when I knew that the opposite was true. It was awkward and I hated it. I hated it because I knew this wasn’t the real me.
And so we find ourselves back at the start. Not knowing who we really are and not knowing how to act around people. Does this sound familiar?
But let me encourage you with how it can be. Since I have stopped looking at porn I feel so much more like myself. I can go out with friends and know that I can be myself. I don’t need to be ashamed. I can initiate conversations much better. I am free knowing that they won’t be able to guess my dirty little secret. Not because I am good at hiding it, but because it doesn’t exist. I can let my own humor come out. I don’t pretend to like things that I don’t really like just so I can compensate. I can laugh about things. I can enjoy people. I feel like I have a valued place among my friends. I am more outgoing. I actually look forward to going out. I don’t feel like God hates me. I’m not looking over my shoulder every second worrying he will catch me. I feel more accepted.
And I don’t run across the street when I see someone I know.
So my question for you is this:
How does porn make you feel when you are around your friends? In school, in church? Just hanging out? Do you feel like yourself? Is the “real” you getting its chance to shine? And what one thing can you do to change that?