Sex is always something that I’ve been afraid of. Some parts of it I feared mildly, while other parts I feared would ruin my marriage. And how could I not be afraid? After being exposed to so much sexuality over the years, I feel like there is a sort of “standard” that I will have to live up to in my sexual life. I’ve always been fearful of growing man boobs or getting overweight, and the effects that would have on my future wife. And I began to realize that my insecurity and fear was starting to cause me to look differently at women. “If I’m worrying so much about what shape I’m in or how prepared I am, shouldn’t they too? Why are they not appealing to ME?”

   That was my thought process, pretty selfish I admit. I would sort of “hint hint” about my perfect girl to people I knew, so that maybe the word would get spread about my “type.” And I would hope that my subtle manipulations would end in me bedding the hottest hottie on my wedding night. I realize now that those thoughts were entirely selfish, and I really hope those girls can forgive me for promoting their own sexual fears and insecurities. I was doing the same thing to them that Jason Statham movies were doing to me. Why couldn’t I be that manly and have I cool accent? Why couldn’t I make a girl hunger for me and go about sex so “cooly?” While their thought process might be the same, but in reverence to what their parents say, what the cover of a magazine says, or what the Devil says.

   Sexual fears are not unfounded. We live in an incredibly sexual culture; and the “standards” are presented to us on a regular basis. Some may even look at pornography just so they know how to “do it right,” not even for the sake of lust or masturbation. 

   But I found peace (once again) in Jesus and His words, whether they were His own, or His Word spoken through the words of Paul or Peter. We are called, yes, to please our spouses. But I have been realizing that looks, beauty, and sexual readiness are not what will produce pleasure for my wife. They don’t seem to be the “foundations” of a good marriage to me anymore. Lately, I have felt my sexual fears being rebuked by the light that I’ve been seeing “unattractive” girls in. They are beautiful in their own ways, whetherHollywooddeems them fit or not. I find myself attracted to a fervent heart for the Kingdom, and I find myself looking past the outward, and looking much more towards the inward.

   Adopting this thought process, I realize now the crime I have committed by pressing my own fears onto the women I know and love, my sisters. And now I see myself in a less pessimistic light. Sure, man boobs and obesity aren’t attractive, but I try to take care of my body in the way that Christ has called me too. And if you knew about my addiction to soda, you would find that statement hard to believe. It’s tough to stay in shape, but I see myself looking past chubby bellies, double chins, or “imperfect” bodies, in favor of the light that I see in their hearts.

  I admit that I’m not perfect, and that I don’t always see girls in this light, but it’s refreshing when I do. And it makes me feel like even some girls look at me the same way, and my sexual fears are done away with. Who cares about size or shape when they love and obey Jesus? I would say that my sexual fears diminish with the less sex that is in my life and instead that fear is filled with hope and a truer love than I ever felt myself capable of showing. Suddenly, sex becomes an afterthought.