This is probably my favorite topic when it comes to pornography, addiction, and the rest of the works. I love awkward moments a lot. They’re funny. Additionally, I think that the cutest thing about a girl is if she’s reasonably awkward–drives me crazy! I love awkward, but when it came to sobriety, it was the last thing I ever expected.
Sobriety is such a pure thing, whether it be a few hours or several years. There’s a peace and beauty about it. But it is definitely awkward at first. I have my laptop, cell, and Kindle all with blocks and filters. I use (obviously) X3WatchPro on my laptop. It’s a $7 a month expense that I think anyone can handle if sobriety is important to them. On my cell (free) and my Kindle ($5 one-time), I use Cloud-ACL, and it works very well too. I don’t know where I would be without these applications to help monitor, and prevent when applicable, my Internet habits. I remember the day that I finally decided to suck it up, put my money where my mouth is, and truly pursue sobriety. I downloaded X3Watch on a different day than I did the rest because I use my laptop for business, school, and shopping, thus adding a filter would not promote or deny sobriety. I know it was a false first step looking back, but it was a very small step in the right direction. I then decided to block myself by downloading the Cloud-ACL on my Kindle, which is what I used for my habit most. That night was very, very, VERY strange, awkward, and weird. It’s going to be a struggle in itself just to describe it, but bear with me. Immediately, after I downloaded the software and blocked myself from my habit, I got sick. Literally, I ran to the bathroom, and I don’t know why it made me feel this way. So, I lathered up with some Pepto and went on with my awkward night. I tended to view at night when it was late and I was alone. Now, I couldn’t do that. My datebook just opened up. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So, as a rational person should (I say that jokingly), I paced my room–back and forth–trying my hardest to figure out what to do. Let me not convince you that I didn’t seem like a crazy person, as I paced my room, I fidgeted with my hands. Looking back, I’d have to compare myself to a newly admitted insane person into a facility looking for a way to escape. I literally did not know what to do with myself. With all these feelings, emotions, thoughts, and ideas adding up, it became exhausting, so I went to sleep–without my habitual former mistress.
The next day, went on as it should. Woke up, got ready for a forty minute drive to school, went to class, come home… whoops. My daily routine was screwed. I’d usually come home after class and watch porn, then take a nap because that’s appropriate after begging God for one more chance of the thousands I’ve already had. This day was different due to my active decision to take back control from my addiction. Now, if I were to log on, I get this very professional white screen saying, “Website is blocked due to its pornographic nature.” As I began to bead a little sweat, the immediate, repeated thought I had was “What do I do, what do I do?”! It was as if I was a small child who just broke his mother’s favorite vase (been there, done that). Yes, I was in an awkward panic. I bet it would have been funny to be a fly on the wall those next few days.
Everyone has that one person (or more maybe) that they try to avoid. They see them, bead sweat, panic, and dart. Those situations, for me, get awkward fast. (Most of my life is awkward.) This is what happened to me with my relationship to porn. It became the person to avoid. In trying to avoid porn, I would talk to anyone and everyone–about nothing. This became awkward for the people in my life because I became this newly found ever-chatter box. Sobriety made me, and continues to make me, the awkward person I am today.
Earlier, I said that I made an active decision. I stress that because when was the last time anything happened when you made a passive decision? Thought so. Today’s a great day to make that active decision! (That’s a free add-on, you’re welcome.)
Sobriety is hard–and dirty–but it’s also beautiful and peaceful, joyous even. It’s something that once you have the taste of it, you’ll crave it. Here’s just a little encouragement as you seek your awkward sobriety:
Luke 18:27 (NIV)
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
Good luck, and I can’t wait to hear about your awkward sobriety story!