Lust has been a huge part of my life for many many years, even before I really got into all this “God stuff.” I used to just go to church, but then I got more involved and “became” the church, as cheesy as that sounds. All the while though, I was always lusting, discovering masturbation, and not getting caught because of my wandering eyes. At the same time, I would be picking up my Bible more often, journaling, and getting mentored by some strong leaders. All through high school I dealt with lust and now that I’m graduated, it seems to only have gotten worse. Looking for a good reason to stop and follow Jesus wholeheartedly like the disciples did has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.
I believe that while I was struggling with lust and pornography during high school, I was growing more and more in my faith. I found myself NEEDING a Savior to get all this crap out of my life. I hated it, and I wanted it all gone. So I kept searching, and God kept offering comfort and help. I now know more about God’s Word than I ever would have thought I would. I can actually, get this, quote Scripture sometimes! I never thought I would be able to do that. My growth was so substantial during that phase, that I honestly think I would have turned out 100% different without the growth spurt I went through. And that whole time, I was on and off with masturbation and pornography. I was definitely growing.
I was definitely growing in my spirituality, but there was a roadblock. Multiple roadblocks I should say. I started getting more adamant about my lust and pride issues. But not in the “It’s time to get rid of this once and for all,” sort of way, but more like “Fine God, if you won’t take it away, then I’m just going to keep doing it.” When my mindset changed to that, it was like hitting a curb on a road bike. I stopped moving forward, and completely fell flat on my face.
It has taken months to get back on my feet, and I wouldn’t even say that I’ve finished checking my scrapes and gotten back to riding. I may even have broken an allegorical wrist! In my growth, I find that I can be sinning just as much as I ever have before, and God has been there every step of the way for me. H’s just there helping me grow more and more by the day. I kept going about my Christian business but my heart wasn’t in the right place, I got PUT in my right place. I am no god, and I cannot change my heart on my own. I need root access, and only God can get me in. I believe that I can be a sinner and still grow to be more in the likeness of Jesus. I think that is just about the whole point of the gospel. We’re not perfect, and won’t be while we live on this earth, but God will help us move along if we allow Him to.