lost

ive been struggling with porn for quite awhile now, and i have a girlfriend and we have a good healthy relationship. i confessed my addiction to her and said i would stop, but i just havent been able to break the addiction. i know she feels like part of my struggle is her fault and like she is doing something wrong, but she really hasnt done anything wrong. it is just a battle within myself that im trying to fix. i dont think your husbands problem is your fault and you surely arent a failure. porn is like a drug, and addicting and it sucks you in. i might try encouraging him to stop and keep supporting him through his struggle

One person's impulse to use and continue to use porn, is their struggle. It is not about the real intimacy with the real person in their life, but about their feeding an appetite to try to feel a void in life that porn can never fill. Real relating with real people can help to deal-but it's not a partner's fault if the other is using porn. He is responsible for his use of porn. It is good if you can find resources to help you as a partner, to not compare yourself with the unreal images porn pushes...much is plastic surgery, air-brushing, make-up...drugs...eating disorders...
don't compare yourself to that idol. Even the porn stars can't live up to the expectations porn demands. It's fake. A real relationship in a real marriage is so much more-no porn can ever equal that or come even close. Ever.

Well as a fellow struggler with this addiction, I would agree with the others, it is not about the signficant other. But that doesnt mean that it doesnt affect you. When we sin, it affects those around us whether we have the problem or not. I would encourage you to share how it affects you with your spouse in a way that it is not accusational, but simply sharing your feelings. I know that has helped me when my wife shares how she feels, even though this struggle was in my life before we ever got together. He probably does want to quit, but sometimes its hard to know how, and get the help you need. Its more than just an impulse, fake intimacy and people who think its easy to just turn away from it are naive. It is very powerful and the best help I have found is accountability, but not just software. I would encourage your husband to find a men's group where he can safely talk about his struggle and get accountability (daily or weekly).

I would suggest you telling him about it and how it makes you feel. Suggest counseling where he can be around people with the same addiction whom all have a desire to quit. If he is a Christian he should give it to Jesus as well.

Lost,

You are not alone. There are many who struggle with this same issue-both the addict and the spouse/sig. other(s). The others who posted gave very good advice-he probably stuggled before you got together-most of us addicts struggled before getting into a relationship. It is understandable that you might blame yourself-but it isn't/wasn't your fault-I'd expect that he'd even agree. There are many good resources out there for spouse's-e.g. "Secret War's" or "Now That I Know, What Should I Do". You cannot force him to seek help, but I'd suggest you look for some for yourself. There may be other groups out there for spouses, or at least another spouse of a husband in group who would be willing to offer support. It is also okay to be angry. It is normal to not trust when he says he's stopped-he's betrayed trust and needs to show evidence of repentance. He needs to be willing to seek help, if he's not, then he probably is not finding victory in that he's probably tried to stop on his own before. Do you stay with him through this-I believe that's what marriage vows are for. Should you set consequences for him if it continues-I believe you'd be enabling if you didn't. Please seek help-you may feel lost now, but you are NOT alone and others who've been there can help you find your way.

My husband and I have been married 11 years, together almost 14. He struggled with porn before I even knew him. I knew nothing about it until 2 years into our marriage. So believe me when I say, no matter how much it seems like it, that it is not about you. I found our about it after 2 years of marriage, after 7 years of marriage, and then after 10 years. Each time he swore he would quit and I believe him. He was sincere, just didn't know how. After finding out the last time that it was still a problem, I got serious about consequences. He got scared enough to go in front of our church and confess. That step has been the key. So many people know about it and are holding him accountable now. Hang in there. Study God's word and pray every day. That is the only thing that pulls me through. If your husband truly does want to change, he needs your prays, love, and support. You can't force anything. Let God do the work in your husband. And remember, it will happen in God's time, not yours. I'm still waiting for the day when I will know it is finally over. I have to have enough faith in God that that day will come. This experience has shown me that there is no relationship greater than that with God. Focus on Him, and let Him focus on your husband.

I have been married to my husband for 3 months and we have been together for 3 and 1/2 years. 3 weeks before we got married my husband went on a Men's Retreat. He came home to tell me that he has been struggling with porn the entire time we were together. I was ready to call the wedding off, but I couldn't because when I went on a Women's Retreat I had to come home and tell him that I had cheated on him twice in the 3 years that we were together and He did not leave me, so who would I be to leave him?
Anyway, for the last 3 months there has only been one incidence where he has addmitted to me that he had stared at a poster and on a different occasion masterbated in the shower. It is hard to trust him, I am still working on it, but I do believe that he has not had problems other than that. He told me that God had taken this away from him and he is no longer tempted by it. I still ask him frequently how he is doing with it. As consequences I ask him that question and I keep an eye on him to see what he is looking at, and he knows not to get on the internet unless I am there with him. It might seem harsh, but it seems to be working. Keep hanging in there. Keep praying and trust that God will move in when He see's fit. Good Luck.

As a recovering addict, I would advocate first removing the temptation as much as possible - as long as pornography is available, it'll be much more difficult to make progress. I use a program called Safe Eyes (www.internetsafety.com/safe-eyes/), which can be set to block internet access during certain times of the day, among other features.

Once the temptation has been removed, it'll be easier to focus on the heart of the addiction. The resources listed above are good ones.