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Amazing...scary, week
As a part of my recovery over the past 2.5 years I have had to face many difficult things; a divorce and miracle of reconciliation which could have only been done by God; the loss of a company and the financial struggles which this addiction seems to do to everyone involved; but the most difficult thing for me has been to face my fears and face people who I have harmed.
One of those people were my mother and father-in-law. I had dragged their daughter through hell and satan told me they would never forgive me. They did, they were amazing...chalk another victory up to God and may God bless these two amazing people. Life is so incredible having them back in my life...I have missed them so very much.
But the most difficult person I had to face I was not sure I could do and if I could muster up the courage...would this person be open to any conversation...all I could do was ask God, but I kept hearing this 'voice' telling me it was going to be awful...this person not only would not meet me but might actually want to harm me...but God had placed it on my heart and I had to do something, so I wrote this person a letter.
I told this person I was sorry, that even as I wrote the words they were insignificant, worthless they seemed to me, but they were all I had and that I wanted to meet this person, in person, so I could apologize as I felt God had instructed me in the Bible to do.
To my amazement I received a letter back...a letter which said this person was out of town and when this person returned theay wanted to talk to me...God is great, God is simply amazing.
You see this 'person' was the man who's wife (now ex-wife) I had an affair with during my addiction...this was a man who was now divorced because of my actions. This was a man who I had taken something from, broken one of God's 10 commandments...This is a man who should not have even given me the time of day, who should have wanted to harm me and instead, in his response to me, had said "this letter must have been very hard for you to write"...worried about how hard this was for me...how humbled I was...
I met this man this past week face to face...we talked for two hours, I got to say I was sorry in person...and in the end this man of God said..."I forgive you". As I write these words I am in tears...
I am so amazed and I feel that such a huge weight has been lifted from me. satan told me he would never forgive me...but God had gone before me and prepared the way. This amazing man, when he had so much hate in his heart for me had asked God years ago to help him and God had told him to pray for me...I had broken up his marriage and he had prayed for me...I was so humbled...so in awe of God...what an incredible example of the power of God in a man.
Who is in your life who you need to apologize to? What is satan telling you? Are you scared? Ask God..seek Him and go apologize....The Truth will...WILL...set you free.
To this man who forgave me...Thank you, thank you so very much for your kindness, your prayers for me and for being such an incredible example of God's love...thank you so very much...This man glorified God in his actions... Humbled.... Do not be afraid....Thank you God for preparing the way... Steve G"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).
BCH wrote on July 24th 08 at 07:53AM
great stuff. Praise God.
Roland wrote on July 24th 08 at 04:36PM
Steve,
Your actions of love and selflessness are a courageous testament to your true manilhood!
Isn't awesome how being obedient to God brings healing and God uses your weakness to become your and His strength.
I had struggled with my addiction to lust for many years, which strangely enough only intensified after I received a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ when I was 18 (now 40). I had pastors lay hands on me, told to "go and sin no more" (oh do I wish it was that simple), read and practiced the tools in the "every man's battle book and workbook" (good tools), shared with my struggles with many Christian men's bible studies and fellowships (room often became quiet and the Christian colloquialism "I will pray for you brother" was said) but eventually despite all this I hit rock bottom. In my experience this is a good place for God to build off of.
It was not until my wife confronted me one day almost 2 yrs ago about my addiction to pornography did my life begin to change for the better. My wife and I are both born again believers ... I just wanted to preface my next statements with this. My wife referred me to a sexaholics anonymous webpage (www.sa.org) which I somewhat reticently went to. God had brought me to the place I needed. I went through the section on how to know if you are a sexaholic and since that day I am convinced I am a sexaholic. Ever since I have learned that my addiction to pornography was not the entirety of my addiction but rather only part in parcel of my bigger addiction to lust.
I began to attend meetings (which follow the classical AA model which has helped many million in their recovery from alcohol), made connections and became accountable to others who shared the same underlying sin pattern (character defect is the terminology of the program language), called when I was feeling weak, and ever so slowly began to experience the strength and hope of others who have gone this way before me. Since I have gone over a year without masturbating (sobriety definition for SA) and currently am only a few short days of 6 months of not masturbating. Perfect … hardly but recovering from this sin yes. I have asked God to remove this pattern of sin from me many times, but in His still small voice His Spirit through His word repeated “my grace is sufficient for you” and “in your weakness I am made strong”. In the last 2 years I have masturbated 3 times. This is huge improvement in that I have hardly gone 3 days since I was 13yo without masturbating. I have in a visceral way rather than intellectualizing manner learned the truth of Phil 1:4 where Paul notes “He who began a work in you is faithful to complete in the day of Jesus Christ.”
Is refraining from masturbating the goal some may ask? No not at all, but a standard has to be set or a beginning goal has be made to start. More so I realized the lust was not the problem so much as was my diseased manner of thinking and my diseased heart (sin nature). I have learned that when I replay those old tapes of lust in my mind or lust over some new image I have seen, I am trying to medication (make myself feel better) over some other deeper sin (character defect) in my life whether it is unwillingness to submit my will to God (pride/Ego), anger and resentment, jealousy, procrastination, self-resentment over overeating, etc. When I expose the roots of my sinful nature to others and God in a judgment free and loving environment is when I have seen God continuing to do a mighty work in my life and most importantly have hope.
When I share my experience with other believers of my path to wholeness (the program) which can only occur through our Lord, they often question whether this a Christian program and when I answer no they often roll their eyes and refer me back to the church and say they “will pray for me.” The two originators of the AA movement (Dr Bob and Bill W.) were both believers who incorporated scripturally based truths into the 12 steps. God, not positive thinking or a health self-image, is introduced as the only power who was able and willing to restore us to increased sanity. SA and all 12 step programs are non-denomination, non-sectarian, etc and thus are not exclusively Christian. I have had the fortunacy of meeting many believers in these meetings, but many who are not. In the beginning of my new journey I experienced some turmoil over this non-sectarian fellowship were I often may sit next to a someone who is not of the same religious background as me the proof was in the pudding so to speak.
I apologize for my verbosity as it is not my usual nature. I want only extend my experience of God moving through my weakness and share my strength and hope. I am committed to help those who feel lost , hopeless, and trapped on this marry-go-round of lust. Please feel free to contact me for I will not judge, lecture, or give advice but rather only share my experience.
In Christ,
Roland
Your actions of love and selflessness are a courageous testament to your true manilhood!
Isn't awesome how being obedient to God brings healing and God uses your weakness to become your and His strength.
I had struggled with my addiction to lust for many years, which strangely enough only intensified after I received a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ when I was 18 (now 40). I had pastors lay hands on me, told to "go and sin no more" (oh do I wish it was that simple), read and practiced the tools in the "every man's battle book and workbook" (good tools), shared with my struggles with many Christian men's bible studies and fellowships (room often became quiet and the Christian colloquialism "I will pray for you brother" was said) but eventually despite all this I hit rock bottom. In my experience this is a good place for God to build off of.
It was not until my wife confronted me one day almost 2 yrs ago about my addiction to pornography did my life begin to change for the better. My wife and I are both born again believers ... I just wanted to preface my next statements with this. My wife referred me to a sexaholics anonymous webpage (www.sa.org) which I somewhat reticently went to. God had brought me to the place I needed. I went through the section on how to know if you are a sexaholic and since that day I am convinced I am a sexaholic. Ever since I have learned that my addiction to pornography was not the entirety of my addiction but rather only part in parcel of my bigger addiction to lust.
I began to attend meetings (which follow the classical AA model which has helped many million in their recovery from alcohol), made connections and became accountable to others who shared the same underlying sin pattern (character defect is the terminology of the program language), called when I was feeling weak, and ever so slowly began to experience the strength and hope of others who have gone this way before me. Since I have gone over a year without masturbating (sobriety definition for SA) and currently am only a few short days of 6 months of not masturbating. Perfect … hardly but recovering from this sin yes. I have asked God to remove this pattern of sin from me many times, but in His still small voice His Spirit through His word repeated “my grace is sufficient for you” and “in your weakness I am made strong”. In the last 2 years I have masturbated 3 times. This is huge improvement in that I have hardly gone 3 days since I was 13yo without masturbating. I have in a visceral way rather than intellectualizing manner learned the truth of Phil 1:4 where Paul notes “He who began a work in you is faithful to complete in the day of Jesus Christ.”
Is refraining from masturbating the goal some may ask? No not at all, but a standard has to be set or a beginning goal has be made to start. More so I realized the lust was not the problem so much as was my diseased manner of thinking and my diseased heart (sin nature). I have learned that when I replay those old tapes of lust in my mind or lust over some new image I have seen, I am trying to medication (make myself feel better) over some other deeper sin (character defect) in my life whether it is unwillingness to submit my will to God (pride/Ego), anger and resentment, jealousy, procrastination, self-resentment over overeating, etc. When I expose the roots of my sinful nature to others and God in a judgment free and loving environment is when I have seen God continuing to do a mighty work in my life and most importantly have hope.
When I share my experience with other believers of my path to wholeness (the program) which can only occur through our Lord, they often question whether this a Christian program and when I answer no they often roll their eyes and refer me back to the church and say they “will pray for me.” The two originators of the AA movement (Dr Bob and Bill W.) were both believers who incorporated scripturally based truths into the 12 steps. God, not positive thinking or a health self-image, is introduced as the only power who was able and willing to restore us to increased sanity. SA and all 12 step programs are non-denomination, non-sectarian, etc and thus are not exclusively Christian. I have had the fortunacy of meeting many believers in these meetings, but many who are not. In the beginning of my new journey I experienced some turmoil over this non-sectarian fellowship were I often may sit next to a someone who is not of the same religious background as me the proof was in the pudding so to speak.
I apologize for my verbosity as it is not my usual nature. I want only extend my experience of God moving through my weakness and share my strength and hope. I am committed to help those who feel lost , hopeless, and trapped on this marry-go-round of lust. Please feel free to contact me for I will not judge, lecture, or give advice but rather only share my experience.
In Christ,
Roland
Steve G wrote on July 25th 08 at 07:26AM
Roland....Thank you....Thank you...
Please do no apologize for being verbose, it is what this site is about...men being gut wrenchingly honest with each other.
It is interesting how I can read such an incredible journey and it is the same as so many...the struggle and difficulty to beat this addiction, the "church" who simply does not understand, the silent victories which only you and I and the men of our groups understand...so much the same.
You talk about the secular nature of AA, SA, and of course all others; I can relate to this. When I first decided to go to The Meadows I called and ask them 'Are you Christian based' to which they assured me they were not and I said 'OK, then I will come to your treatment center’. Had they said yes to my question, I would not have gone.
They said they were not Christian based because they are not...but God is everywhere there, taking care of those who are trying to find a way out through their "higher power". The original 12 steps included the words "Came to believe God..." but this had to be changed because at that time alcoholics were treated very harshly by those inside the church, the church was not the place for the sick...a problem we still face today with sexual addiction.
Today, Alcoholics are embraced by the church, even drug addicts....but not sex addicts. If Ted Haggard had been an alcoholic he would still be a pastor of his church today, I believe. When most of the congregation is struggling with sexual sin, they do not have any place to turn because of the shame....but people like you are changing that by standing up. By doing so you are changing the church and with your story and your wonderful words you are changing the lives of others, giving them the serenity only available through the love of God.
Thank you so much for taking time to write here...may God bless you, as you have blessed so many and I know you will continue to do so.
Congratulations on your incredible sobriety, you are a Great man of God!
Steve G
Please do no apologize for being verbose, it is what this site is about...men being gut wrenchingly honest with each other.
It is interesting how I can read such an incredible journey and it is the same as so many...the struggle and difficulty to beat this addiction, the "church" who simply does not understand, the silent victories which only you and I and the men of our groups understand...so much the same.
You talk about the secular nature of AA, SA, and of course all others; I can relate to this. When I first decided to go to The Meadows I called and ask them 'Are you Christian based' to which they assured me they were not and I said 'OK, then I will come to your treatment center’. Had they said yes to my question, I would not have gone.
They said they were not Christian based because they are not...but God is everywhere there, taking care of those who are trying to find a way out through their "higher power". The original 12 steps included the words "Came to believe God..." but this had to be changed because at that time alcoholics were treated very harshly by those inside the church, the church was not the place for the sick...a problem we still face today with sexual addiction.
Today, Alcoholics are embraced by the church, even drug addicts....but not sex addicts. If Ted Haggard had been an alcoholic he would still be a pastor of his church today, I believe. When most of the congregation is struggling with sexual sin, they do not have any place to turn because of the shame....but people like you are changing that by standing up. By doing so you are changing the church and with your story and your wonderful words you are changing the lives of others, giving them the serenity only available through the love of God.
Thank you so much for taking time to write here...may God bless you, as you have blessed so many and I know you will continue to do so.
Congratulations on your incredible sobriety, you are a Great man of God!
Steve G
Wil wrote on July 27th 08 at 12:53AM
I think the guy who forgave you is incredible. There are only a few Christians who know Jesus that well. I'm sure not like that. Not yet anyway.
Maybe you can put up a post on how you personally got mixed up in porn in the first place. I'm in SAA and it is always good to hear other people's story.
Maybe you can put up a post on how you personally got mixed up in porn in the first place. I'm in SAA and it is always good to hear other people's story.
Paul wrote on July 28th 08 at 12:26PM
Steve
I appreciate this website and your words so very much. I have commented on here before especially when my wife was going through her cancer and I was trying to stay sober through it all. She needed me and thank God I was present. By the grace of God she is cancer free and I am working on 25 months of sobriety day by day.
I appreciate your comments about making amends and truly receiving forgiveness. I am working on this part of my recovery. Also I do recognize how this website has helped but I need some feedback about how to inform my wife that I have been posting or even visiting this site to read some helpful information. My concern is that it would be triggering to her. Especially the name of the site xxxchurch The bottom line is I want to be honest but I dont want to be so bruttally honest that it turns out more brutal than honest. So a little help would be appreciated by anyone. Bottom line is I still clean out the history and cache after visiting this site because I am not sure if my wife would take it the wrong way. Am I living in denial again or in secret...I am concerned
Paul
I appreciate this website and your words so very much. I have commented on here before especially when my wife was going through her cancer and I was trying to stay sober through it all. She needed me and thank God I was present. By the grace of God she is cancer free and I am working on 25 months of sobriety day by day.
I appreciate your comments about making amends and truly receiving forgiveness. I am working on this part of my recovery. Also I do recognize how this website has helped but I need some feedback about how to inform my wife that I have been posting or even visiting this site to read some helpful information. My concern is that it would be triggering to her. Especially the name of the site xxxchurch The bottom line is I want to be honest but I dont want to be so bruttally honest that it turns out more brutal than honest. So a little help would be appreciated by anyone. Bottom line is I still clean out the history and cache after visiting this site because I am not sure if my wife would take it the wrong way. Am I living in denial again or in secret...I am concerned
Paul
Guitarrulz wrote on July 31st 08 at 03:31PM
You asked who I needed to apologize to in your story.
As a man...Actually a Christian man, I have hurt a lot of girls in my past. In my late teens I began to lead girls on, take what I wanted then ditch them. It became a horrible habit.
I couldn't sleep last night. God was using my heart as a punching bag. I knew what I had to do, so I found every girl that I could online and contacted them via email. I apologized for what I had done and told them that no guy should ever treat them the way I had.
After I wrote the first message, I stared at the screen for an hour, telling myself that God really didn't want me to do this. It was like the devil was screaming don’t do it but God was whispering ever so softly the encouraging words I needed to hear. I eventually hit the send button on my first letter and boom, the devil was gone.
I don’t feel like a million bucks today but I feel that God wanted me to do this. More importantly I hope that these girls can find some closure from I did.
Because of your story, God really stirred something inside of me. Thanks for sharing.
As a man...Actually a Christian man, I have hurt a lot of girls in my past. In my late teens I began to lead girls on, take what I wanted then ditch them. It became a horrible habit.
I couldn't sleep last night. God was using my heart as a punching bag. I knew what I had to do, so I found every girl that I could online and contacted them via email. I apologized for what I had done and told them that no guy should ever treat them the way I had.
After I wrote the first message, I stared at the screen for an hour, telling myself that God really didn't want me to do this. It was like the devil was screaming don’t do it but God was whispering ever so softly the encouraging words I needed to hear. I eventually hit the send button on my first letter and boom, the devil was gone.
I don’t feel like a million bucks today but I feel that God wanted me to do this. More importantly I hope that these girls can find some closure from I did.
Because of your story, God really stirred something inside of me. Thanks for sharing.
Roland wrote on July 31st 08 at 05:22PM
Wow Guitar! What an amazingly courageous thing you did.
I applaud you for taking the actions of love.
I am not at that step yet, although I would love to be. Well maybe not! But either way it is great to see another who suffers with the same issue I do, be courageous and faithful, for this gives me more courage.
So Thank you!
Roland
I applaud you for taking the actions of love.
I am not at that step yet, although I would love to be. Well maybe not! But either way it is great to see another who suffers with the same issue I do, be courageous and faithful, for this gives me more courage.
So Thank you!
Roland
gabriel wrote on August 3rd 08 at 04:22PM
wow! this is a great job, that you are doing! so, may God bless you and keep U strong in this JOB!
GBU!!!
GBU!!!
Dahvede wrote on August 5th 08 at 05:43AM
Steve,
I was really struck by your story and amazed at your boldness and honesty. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and share all this online. So much did this piece of your story affect me that I linked it over on my blog. To see just go to:
http://dahvede.blogspot.com/2008/08/story-of
I was really struck by your story and amazed at your boldness and honesty. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and share all this online. So much did this piece of your story affect me that I linked it over on my blog. To see just go to:
http://dahvede.blogspot.com/2008/08/story-of
Brad T wrote on August 6th 08 at 08:50AM
I wish all who are stuggling with sexual impurity the best in your quest to overcome its grip. On Nov. 21, 2004, I looked at my last pornographic picture. I stopped cold turkey but don't let that term fool you. Anytime you do it for the last time, you stopped cold turkey. :-)
Since that time, I have helped other men who struggle with this problem. God has used me in ways I could never imagine and I am submitted to seeing His will done in my life.
We all know that if we "resist the devil, he will flee from you." It is true but it doesn't always happen in the instant you show resistance. The devil will always return to see if he can successfully tempt you. The most effective resistance I found was merely to ask God to take this temptation from me. I would ask Him for as long as I needed until the temptation was gone. Sure I got help from a friend who was overcoming his habit as well, but God is there no matter where I am. He never failed to show up.
While some may not agree with what I am about to say it might help someone out there who has not found that 12 step program to work very well. The answer is Christ. In our weakness, He is made strong. God wants us to call on him when we can't overcome the world. When you are tempted, you generally have about 15 seconds to decide how you are going to react. I chose to spend those 15 seconds talking to God and asking Him to take away my temptation. He never failed me. Sometimes it took many stints of 15 second conversations but He was always there.
Don't hide from God when you are tempted. It is not your thoughts that are wrong, it is what you do with those thoughts. Even Jesus was tempted so consider yourself to be a valued target when you are tempted. Every temptation is an opportunity to glorify God. He is not insulted if you ask him to help you overcome the temptation so don't be afraid.
I hope this encouragement helps someone out there. Even Paul asked God to take away the thorn in his side. God said, "My grace is enough for you." I am surely not Paul but I can tell you His grace was enough for me.
Brad T.
Houston, Tx
Since that time, I have helped other men who struggle with this problem. God has used me in ways I could never imagine and I am submitted to seeing His will done in my life.
We all know that if we "resist the devil, he will flee from you." It is true but it doesn't always happen in the instant you show resistance. The devil will always return to see if he can successfully tempt you. The most effective resistance I found was merely to ask God to take this temptation from me. I would ask Him for as long as I needed until the temptation was gone. Sure I got help from a friend who was overcoming his habit as well, but God is there no matter where I am. He never failed to show up.
While some may not agree with what I am about to say it might help someone out there who has not found that 12 step program to work very well. The answer is Christ. In our weakness, He is made strong. God wants us to call on him when we can't overcome the world. When you are tempted, you generally have about 15 seconds to decide how you are going to react. I chose to spend those 15 seconds talking to God and asking Him to take away my temptation. He never failed me. Sometimes it took many stints of 15 second conversations but He was always there.
Don't hide from God when you are tempted. It is not your thoughts that are wrong, it is what you do with those thoughts. Even Jesus was tempted so consider yourself to be a valued target when you are tempted. Every temptation is an opportunity to glorify God. He is not insulted if you ask him to help you overcome the temptation so don't be afraid.
I hope this encouragement helps someone out there. Even Paul asked God to take away the thorn in his side. God said, "My grace is enough for you." I am surely not Paul but I can tell you His grace was enough for me.
Brad T.
Houston, Tx
Tony wrote on August 6th 08 at 01:07PM
Thanks for the inspiration and the hope. Luckily I haven't been down the roads that some of you have been down, but I realize that this spirit of lust needs to get out of my life as it has affected my family and definitely hurt my wife. I don't pay money for porn, but before visiting this site I was at the gateway of a porn site that I've visited in the past and decided to come here instead. If anybody could pray for me that'd be great. I've got two little children, including a daughter and I don't want to disrespect them at all. Thanks.
thomas wrote on August 7th 08 at 10:40PM
Man,
Way to go. I agree with you. This is what can happen when humility is the only thing that matters. We often obfuscate and make the other guy the reason for whatever. When it all comes down, when we face the truth, when we accept what's real, we have made a mess that only grace and mercy can cure.
Way to go, now, be ye holy, for he is holy...
Way to go. I agree with you. This is what can happen when humility is the only thing that matters. We often obfuscate and make the other guy the reason for whatever. When it all comes down, when we face the truth, when we accept what's real, we have made a mess that only grace and mercy can cure.
Way to go, now, be ye holy, for he is holy...
Aaron B. wrote on August 10th 08 at 03:28AM
@ Brad T
Thanks men, I really needed to hear that, well read that. I am struggling with some stuff in my life, that is trying to drag me back to my old ways; But I have Faith that I will Overcome Them, and That God is going to start another process in my life, in which I will be able to help others and to have accountability.
Thanks men, I really needed to hear that, well read that. I am struggling with some stuff in my life, that is trying to drag me back to my old ways; But I have Faith that I will Overcome Them, and That God is going to start another process in my life, in which I will be able to help others and to have accountability.
Aaron B. wrote on August 10th 08 at 03:35AM
Oh and Tony, I am praying for you,
And I will continue to pray for you.
It is a hard path but it totally worths it.
I pray for strength, Guidance, and for The holy spirit to help you go through those struggles, And remember God loves to help you!
May God Surround your Family In his Blessings...
Take care.
And I will continue to pray for you.
It is a hard path but it totally worths it.
I pray for strength, Guidance, and for The holy spirit to help you go through those struggles, And remember God loves to help you!
May God Surround your Family In his Blessings...
Take care.
Tony wrote on August 10th 08 at 04:00PM
Hi everybody. I just wanted to comment on the liberation this site has had on me and the encouragement and prayer that I have felt since my last post. Keep up the good work, gentlemen, and know that we can do anything if we are humble enough to lean into God's grace and let Himself show how strong He truly is. I am praying for you guys and asking that you would live the victorious life where we are pulling down the strongholds in this world instead of contributing to their establishments.
God bless,
Tony
God bless,
Tony
Todd S. wrote on August 12th 08 at 12:58PM
Steve & Roland:
Thank you for your stories! As a man in the throws healing from this addiction, I can completely identify with your stories. You see I have lost job after job because of my lack of self-control. I lost my family even after being warned of the consequences. My wife and her family are incredibly Godly people who have done nothing but accept me for who I am and have tried desparately to help me and I completely ignored it all. Now, I am a divorced man (man that is difficult to come to terms with) and living alone. I am currently in counseling and a 12-step program hoping and praying for freedom. But, even now I am struggling! Making the calls when I am struggling is very difficult for me. I feel like I am the weak link in the group. I have to be set free from this disease. I desperately want to have my family restored, but I know that won't happen until I get a handle on this problem. I know I have a long road to go... after all I am only in step 2. I am so tired of this roller coaster, yet I can't seem to stop.
Thanks again for the encouragement!
Thank you for your stories! As a man in the throws healing from this addiction, I can completely identify with your stories. You see I have lost job after job because of my lack of self-control. I lost my family even after being warned of the consequences. My wife and her family are incredibly Godly people who have done nothing but accept me for who I am and have tried desparately to help me and I completely ignored it all. Now, I am a divorced man (man that is difficult to come to terms with) and living alone. I am currently in counseling and a 12-step program hoping and praying for freedom. But, even now I am struggling! Making the calls when I am struggling is very difficult for me. I feel like I am the weak link in the group. I have to be set free from this disease. I desperately want to have my family restored, but I know that won't happen until I get a handle on this problem. I know I have a long road to go... after all I am only in step 2. I am so tired of this roller coaster, yet I can't seem to stop.
Thanks again for the encouragement!
Jason C wrote on August 12th 08 at 03:18PM
I am in a trial at this very moment, a trial of trust. Can I trust that God can deliver me from lust? Today I have given in to temptation and I have fallen into lust. Why? I have been praying along with an accountability partner day and night. I have resisted the thoughts and images that plague me daily. I have bounced my eyes off all images that might compromise my ability to resist future temptation as well. I have given thanks to God for his protection and his grace each night. I even gave my testimony to others about the fact that I can do nothing without the life giving power of God. Well last night, (3:30 am) after 12 consecutive days and nights without giving into the sin of lust, I failed. I failed to reach a goal that my accountability partner (read James 5:16) and I had set, to reach 40 days and nights without masturbating or looking at any type of pornography. Not to mention the fact that I failed again at around 9:00 am. (which was even more shameful because I felt like I had somewhat of a choice that time) because I believed the old lie that says, "Well you might as well do it again, you already failed once." This is actually common ground to me. I sin and then I repent. I go a little further, sin, and then repent. I feel guilty, I get over it and then the cycle starts all over again. Though there has been major improvement through accountability software for my computer, trashing my porn (in every form), praying for my accountability partner every day and night, and the everyday flight from lust at school or any public place I find myself in. Through the abstinence I have found more time for other things like small groups, prayer, helping others, fitness (basketball, recently mountain biking through Atlanta's city), study, etc. So I am glad to say that the time spent on my knees asking for forgiveness has become less and my praise to God has been more. The past has been a rough road of confusion and seeking (because it is not common for people to share about their battle with these dark secrets, thank God for xxxchurch). My on going quest for answers to questions like: "Is it ok to masturbate if I don't look at porn?" "Did God create me to have an urgency to seek pleasure?" "Is it ok to have sex before marriage, as long as I don't cheat on her?" "Can I look at porn that doesn't seem to be degrading to the girls (soft-core)?" "Can I just masturbate using old memories as long as I don't look at anymore porn?" "Can I just get a BJ or a "hand" from my girlfriend, as long as I don't have intercourse?" "Can I have sex with my partner if I at least consider marriage with her?" "Why, when I ask God to take these desires from me, do I still want to do them?" "How many times will God forgive me?" And the list goes on and on. Well the answer for me (and I'm just speaking for myself) is to completely stop masturbating, and refrain from sex (in any form) until I am married. This is a big order, considering I'm 28 years old and attend a college with 28,000 students. I have made up my mind though to seek the answers that God has for me and only me. I can't compare myself to anyone else, Christian or not. I can only listen to what God says in his word and the truth that he has spoken to my life.
Today I asked God for forgiveness. I asked him to wash my life clean of these filthy thoughts of lust. I asked Jesus to bridge that gap that sin tries to create between God and me. The truth is that I am falling deeply in love with God and my relationship with him is growing enormously every day. I don't want sin to interrupt this love for one second! After asking God to forgive me, I started my daily devotional. I prayed that God would reveal his word, (the Bible) and daily bread, to my life. I began to read his word and immediately doubt started to invade my mind (read John 10:10). Doubt and confusion started to pour in and I knew it wasn't from God because he is not the author of confusion. I asked God to guard my mind and I gave thanks (out loud) for the forgiveness of my sins. I continued to read and again thoughts of shame and doubt were floating in and out of my mind. I had to stop reading and I had to pray again because I couldn't read without distortion. I started to get frustrated with myself and God because these thoughts didn't go away immediately, but I was reminded that I must be doing something right or I wouldn't be "under attack" like this. This time I prayed a very honest prayer to God that went like this: "What did I do wrong this time?" "How could I have avoided this?" "Did I not pray?" "Did I not expose my sin to a friend and ask for help?" "Were my friends’ prayers not enough?" "Is there something obvious that I am not seeing?" "Is there something that I already know but refuse to acknowledge?" "Is there something I've missed, or something I have yet to hear?" "Please hear my cry Jesus!" "Tell me what I'm doing wrong!" "I love you and I desperately need you!" "Teach me!" I sat still for a moment with my eyes closed and I heard (no, not audibly) a quiet and quick voice saying "You cannot repay me." After thinking on this for a moment, I understand that the gift of forgiveness and the love that he distributes is not only, never-ending, and everlasting, but that this gift is COMPLETELY FREE. I can do nothing to repay him for the salvation I have through his son Jesus Christ. Today I read the testimonies of other people who struggle with the same things I battle with. Even though I have failed today, I am very happy to know that there are others who also walk this path. I see that there is victory over this dreadful sin of lust, found only through God's amazing grace (read Hebrews 4:15). It is my hope that I will continue to look to God, (good times or bad) through the examples set by Jesus Christ, who never lost sight of the goal he was sent here for....to save the world. I have faith that God is who he says he is and will do what he says he will do. The apostle Paul writes it this way: Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus; PHILIPPIANS 1:6. I love you Jesus, you are mighty to save! Pray for me brothers. I know we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us and I believe in what we're doing. Love, Jason C.
Today I asked God for forgiveness. I asked him to wash my life clean of these filthy thoughts of lust. I asked Jesus to bridge that gap that sin tries to create between God and me. The truth is that I am falling deeply in love with God and my relationship with him is growing enormously every day. I don't want sin to interrupt this love for one second! After asking God to forgive me, I started my daily devotional. I prayed that God would reveal his word, (the Bible) and daily bread, to my life. I began to read his word and immediately doubt started to invade my mind (read John 10:10). Doubt and confusion started to pour in and I knew it wasn't from God because he is not the author of confusion. I asked God to guard my mind and I gave thanks (out loud) for the forgiveness of my sins. I continued to read and again thoughts of shame and doubt were floating in and out of my mind. I had to stop reading and I had to pray again because I couldn't read without distortion. I started to get frustrated with myself and God because these thoughts didn't go away immediately, but I was reminded that I must be doing something right or I wouldn't be "under attack" like this. This time I prayed a very honest prayer to God that went like this: "What did I do wrong this time?" "How could I have avoided this?" "Did I not pray?" "Did I not expose my sin to a friend and ask for help?" "Were my friends’ prayers not enough?" "Is there something obvious that I am not seeing?" "Is there something that I already know but refuse to acknowledge?" "Is there something I've missed, or something I have yet to hear?" "Please hear my cry Jesus!" "Tell me what I'm doing wrong!" "I love you and I desperately need you!" "Teach me!" I sat still for a moment with my eyes closed and I heard (no, not audibly) a quiet and quick voice saying "You cannot repay me." After thinking on this for a moment, I understand that the gift of forgiveness and the love that he distributes is not only, never-ending, and everlasting, but that this gift is COMPLETELY FREE. I can do nothing to repay him for the salvation I have through his son Jesus Christ. Today I read the testimonies of other people who struggle with the same things I battle with. Even though I have failed today, I am very happy to know that there are others who also walk this path. I see that there is victory over this dreadful sin of lust, found only through God's amazing grace (read Hebrews 4:15). It is my hope that I will continue to look to God, (good times or bad) through the examples set by Jesus Christ, who never lost sight of the goal he was sent here for....to save the world. I have faith that God is who he says he is and will do what he says he will do. The apostle Paul writes it this way: Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus; PHILIPPIANS 1:6. I love you Jesus, you are mighty to save! Pray for me brothers. I know we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us and I believe in what we're doing. Love, Jason C.
RolandB wrote on August 12th 08 at 07:14PM
Jason C.
I am glad we can be hear for each other to share when we fall short and bring our actions into the light.
As a fellow brother in Christ, I would ask you these questions?
If you continue to fail in your commendable desire to be Godly and pure sexually what will be different this time?
Are you addicted to lust?
What were you dealing with deep down inside ... anger, resentment, etc when you decided to give away your purity this time?
If you are willing, perhaps we as men who struggle together can help each other.
In Him,
Roland
I am glad we can be hear for each other to share when we fall short and bring our actions into the light.
As a fellow brother in Christ, I would ask you these questions?
If you continue to fail in your commendable desire to be Godly and pure sexually what will be different this time?
Are you addicted to lust?
What were you dealing with deep down inside ... anger, resentment, etc when you decided to give away your purity this time?
If you are willing, perhaps we as men who struggle together can help each other.
In Him,
Roland
