Shame...I know that feeling...

Hello Great men of God!!

I have been listening…reading and re-reading your entries.  Many of the entries bring back a flood of emotion from some very dark and sad days in my life…they scare me to be truthful and honest with you…because I see myself in every one of them.  I see where my life used to be, I see and re-live how pornography, adultery, and sexual addiction tore apart my life, my family and my relationship with God. 

It opens wounds which have been hard to face again…the rawness of where some of you are, where I was and the shame that trapped me for so long…I truly am touched by your openness, your sharing and your honesty…it has touched me much deeper than I thought when Craig asked if I would write this blog…I have thought back to the darkest time in my life…times when I would talk to God and tell Him…God I love you, I just hate your people…

We all have times we remember.  Maybe it was when the shuttle blew up or maybe it was watching as the second plane slammed in to the World Trade Center or maybe it was that moment when you watched your son or daughter come in to this world…

I remember where I was when the call came to me.  It was the church where I was an Elder and they said “Steve we need to talk to you right away”…I remember where I was, I remember the weather outside, I remember the time of day and I remember thinking how many months I had been so afraid; how I had been praying to God “Please God deliver me from evil, show me a way out”. 

As I walked in to the church I was called in to the Executive Pastor’s office, He said “Steve, we have received a call from Pastor Ted Haggard at New Life Church and he believes you are leading an immoral life”.  They were correct…I was having an affair and someone in Pastor Ted’s congregation had brought it to their attention.  I lied to them and told them it was not true, went home and told my wife that, in fact, it was true and then returned to the church and admitted to them the truth….I walked out of that church in shame…I would not attend church again for almost 10 years.

I received a letter about 30 days later saying since I had not worked towards reconciling my marriage the church was  “revoking my membership”.  In my church, where I had attended and served for more than 10 years, at a time when I needed them most, they stopped sending the bulletins, the cd’s of the sermons and told me I was not wanted (my words)…I was so ashamed.  They never knew the time I had spent in those 4 weeks with a gun in my lap…putting it in my mouth and trying hard to pull the trigger…the pain and the anger and the shame...how much I hated myself, how much I needed them.

Understand this Great men of God…I was wrong, not the church and not the people…but for 10 years I carried around the hate and I blamed others, I blamed my wife and I blamed God.  I blamed every one except the right one, ME.

I did what I did which caused the church to do what they did…I am responsible for my actions…but why did it take so long for me to realize this?  The answer is Shame. I could not face it…I had failed and I lived in a world (my world) where failure was weakness…I could not walk back in with all the perfect people, which is exactly what satan (I don’t capitalize the “s”) wanted me to think and he kept me separated from those great people for almost 10 years…

I guess I was raised to judge, I thought that was who God was…floods, cities turned to stone, 40 years in the desert…It was the God I was raised with.  If you were Catholic you were wrong and I was right!  If you were Mormon you were a cult and I had to save you or rebuke you.  How did I learn this?  How did I miss for so long who Jesus really was and why he came?  

Those of you who have felt betrayed by church and Christian people have found this ministry of XXXChruch where we celebrate our weaknesses and find out who God really is…Thank you God for the work you are doing through Craig Gross and this church and these great men and women. 

I am finding increasing numbers of churches who are beginning to admit that we all struggle with something.  A few have the guts to actually talk about porn in the pews…Yea God!! Seek out these churches, get involved, share your weakness...for in your weakness God is made strong! 

We have a lot of work to do and God needs to raise up His army.  satan will continue to beat us with the shame stick, but God is a God of love and through Him we can all find serenity, peace, joy and the love of other's who share their weaknesses.

ONE LAST THING…when I went back to church in Colorado Springs I decided to attend New Life Church and I found a Great man of God…an incredible man of God…a man who had a passion for Jesus Christ….a man who 10 years earlier had called my church…a great man by the name of Pastor Ted Haggard. 

I sat in church that day as they read Ted’s letter…I sat and listened to the “Overseers” in the days and weeks that followed about how Pastor Ted “would never be a Pastor at New Life again”.  I actually had someone say to me “must feel good to see him get his after he turned you in”...I simply replied “No, not at all.  I doubt there is one feeling or one emotion that Pastor Ted had that I could not relate to”.  The sadness for me was in the reaction of the church. (If you don't know the story of Pastor Ted, Click Here) 

I am not here to judge New Life Church but Pastor Ted Haggard was and is a Great man of God…but he is just a man with struggles and hurts, just like all of us.  If by chance you were to read this Pastor Ted, I want to say thank you for setting me free and thank you for all I learned from you as my Pastor…You are truly a Great man of God..please do not hang your head in shame.  I look forward to your continued work in God’s army and would be proud to serve with you!

Love you all, Great men of God.

ricardo wrote on April 28th 08 at 07:05AM

your blog was encouraging. I have been facing challenges with pornography as well. please pray for me.

Pat wrote on April 29th 08 at 07:06PM

I am a porn addict.

It has taken alot of my time and energy.

I feel exhausted, drained, and low in self esteem.

I am determined to stop this addiction.

And I need all the help i can get

tom wrote on April 29th 08 at 08:24PM

Nice read and very true. We're all here for a reason and feel alone and scared to be found out. For me, it's falling back into the pit. I struggle putting a toe in the water to see if I'm missing anything.

With the strains of life, overdue bills and just a lack of confidence as a man, I'm desparate for some help. I don't want to test the water anymore. I want to back away from the pool. For good.

Steve g wrote on April 30th 08 at 08:02AM

@tom...Thank you for the post. You talk about the strains of life and I relate to falling in to that trap. The interesting things was I would also use my addiction for a reward...always trapped.

So if I had a bad day it was a reason and if I had a good day, then I also had a reason. It seemed satan was always talking to me, and still does today.

I start each day with this prayer "Today Lord, lead me not in to temptation and deliver me from evil". Then I put on the armor of God and I face one day, 24 hours of saying NO.

I have a great accountability partner, who I found through a Sexual Purity group in church. Sexual addiction is a disease of isolation so reaching out is difficult and uncomfortable, but it is the only way I have found to be sober. Find a good group my friend and know you are….A Great man of God!

Steve G

Steve G wrote on April 30th 08 at 08:34AM

@Pat...Know that you are loved and that you are not alone.

I know from my experience the feeling that there must be something wrong with me, that no one else must struggle like I do, the feeling that I must be some kind of weakling.

You are dealing with compulsive behavior, addiction and of course satan.

Those words you hear, that tell you "you are worthless" are words from satan and they are meant to drag you in to the pit as Tom mentioned. So how do we stop? We begin to replace the bad with the good.

I do not mean to make it sound simple. At the Meadows I was required to do affirmations every day. They were painful. It was hard to stand before others and say "I am a great husband" after putting my wife through 8 years of hell...but the pain became less as I realized something which I want to share with each of you...

Your actions are not who you are. Your actions in the past may be deplorable, but they are not who you are. They are also not who God created.

What the Meadows helped me do was separate my actions from who I was. I am a wonderful father, I am a great husband, I am loved by God, I am living in today because it is a gift from God and I deserve it.

You are a Great man of God, Pat. You are not your past, you are a great friend to many I am sure and I am glad to have you here with us.

Find a church group, look in the mirror and know that you are a great creation of God, no different than Martin Luther King or Billy Graham...no different because you are forgiven by God...it is only you who now must forgive yourself...look in the mirror, Great man of God.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

In Christ, there is no yesterday, he came and died for people like you and me...broken but forgiven.

Come back often brother.

Steve G

Steve G wrote on April 30th 08 at 08:45AM

@Ricardo...Welcome friend!

This scripture came to mind for you today. I think it means to seek out others in a safe environment (church groups) where you can be open and honest. A place you will find God and He will continue to grow in you. Through you, others will also grow and learn to walk again.

“Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).

I know from my own experience that church may be the scariest place to even think about going if you are dealing with sexual sin. If any of you are seeking a church group and do not know where to turn, give me your city, what side of town and I will find you a place where you will find love and compassion, God is waiting for you and He loves you bro...

You are a Great man of God, Ricardo. Thanks for being here in this group.

Steve G

Josh wrote on April 30th 08 at 07:10PM

Hey, man . . . I know what you mean. I have struggled, to some extent, with sexual immorality since I was 11 or 12, and though I may not always struggle with porn, I've also struggled with thought, fantasies, and deviant desires. I'd love to share more, but not on a public blog. Sometimes, I feel like shooting myself in the head (but never would), but I know I'm loved by God, regardless of what I've struggled with (and still struggle with), know matter how immoral, or illegal, my thoughts and "fantasies" might be. In Christ, I can overcome any obstacle, because He has already overcome the World.

HungryForGod wrote on April 30th 08 at 11:25PM

since i've gotten to understand and love God more through prayer and reading, i've come to hate flesh and sin as a whole, which in turn i have deceived myself into hating people. I know hating sin is not a problem, and i can't get over the fact that we are all dirty without Christ, but i need God to show me that even sin is rampant, mercy, grace, and holiness should be my top priorities. pray for me brothers!

Steve G wrote on May 2nd 08 at 07:55AM

@Josh...You are so correct; God loves us no matter what! How easy it has been in my life to blame God, how easy it has been for me to ask "Where are you God?" as though He has left me.

Your last line brings to mind this scripture:

“…Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us” (Isaiah 25:9).

God is faithful, and He will save you from sickness, fear, sin and most of all eternal death!

When you open your heart to trust the Father by obeying His Word, the Bible says that He will save you from all the snares, or traps, of the enemy.

I know that not long ago I would read these words and say "Ya, well why don't you save me now. Why do I still suffer?"

I live in a world of FedEx and Email and the Internet with all the information I need RIGHT NOW...and many times at the end of my busy day, I had no time for God. But I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it in MY time, MAN'S time...

God is with us, He is never on time it seems to me, but He is never late.

I began to pray every day. I began to set aside time for God in my life every day and when I did this, my life changed and with it so did my thoughts...He is the way and the truth and the light...Through God all things are possible.

God bless you Josh. Thank you for sharing, you are a Great man of God.

Steve G

Steve G wrote on May 2nd 08 at 08:17AM

@Hungry for God...I can relate to that hate you talk about, I can relate because of the resentment I had towards people who I felt had judged me, people who I felt had used the bible as though they were seated on judgement day and I was their subject, people who would look up scripture and tell me why I was going to hell.

Where was the love of Jesus in all of this...it was easy to be sidetracked by the hate and anger.

Thank you for your post...it will become my next blog post because your point is so very important. I hear this from so many who struggle...Anger, resentment, hate, watching sin all around and feeling a need to point it out. I struggled so much in my recovery with this.

For you my friend, just let go of that stuff...it is from the past. Press forward and know that HE is God; God loves you and is with you.

“This one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind I press forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).

God has great plans for you.

Thank you for your post,

Steve G

jay wrote on May 6th 08 at 09:40AM

I thank God that He lead me to this web site. I am a single man who had left his church and his faith for about 10 months. Letting resentment for others and having a lack of faith in God to bring me a help mate festor in my heart lead me away. Because of that, addiction to sex and drugs ruled me. For me, sex and drugs went hand in hand. They were killing me and for a while I didn't care. I now look back at the debauchery I partook in and realize that I wasn't just hurting myself, I was emotionally and spiritually hurting the women I was with. The empty looks on their faces after the fact is enough to make one cry. I was a part of breaking down their self worth. That is not what God wants. I am so ashamed of what I did. I let my sexual addiction hurt those women. It's no wonder why so many women have low self esteems. We let our sinful lusts and desires take over instead of realizing what the true nature of sex is for in the kingdom of God.
Since I have been back in church, I have been delivered for the spirit of resentment and drug addiction. It has been going on three months now. Coming to this web site, I believe I am now delivered from lust. It is not by chance that the Lord lead me to the site. I have been letting Him work on me ever since my return. Today He caused me to look back and have a revelation about my past behaviors. It's not what He wants in my life or in the future life with the woman He has planned for me. I am a Christian and I am to practice this Christian life thoroughly.
For any man who reads this, let me put a picture in your mind that may help you with the struggle of lust. (It is actually not a struggle when you know who you are in Christ.) If you feel compelled to either have meaningless sex, look at porn, or even look at a woman in a lustful manner, always try to remember these things. You are lusting after a woman who is a child of God. If you are about to have sex with her, think about where her mind might be. She may not know who she is in Christ and the only reason why she is doing it is because of a lack of self esteem, a lack of self worth, she may have been abused in the past and that is how she is working out her emotional problem, or that is the only way she knows to feel wanted. They are all negatives. It goes with the same for the women you see in porn. They have spirits too.
God created Eve for Adam as a help mate and a spiritual partner to help eachother glorify God. Think about it.
If you feel that you beaten by this addiction, remember, "We are more than conquerers because we are in Christ Jesus and He lives within all of us." The fight was already faught when He died on the cross and was resurrected three days later. The battle is not yours, it belongs to God and the battle was won. So praise the Lord. We are free from all sin. You just have to receive it.

Steve G wrote on May 6th 08 at 03:47PM

@jay...Thanks...Thanks so much for your honesty and your incredible story of God's amazing grace in your life!

John 15:5 says “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing”. Your life shows the truth in this scripture.

In the book Dirty Little Secrets Craig talks about a Christian reporter who watched a porn video as it was being filmed. The reporter wrote about how the woman curled up in a ball and cried during breaks, how it made him physically ill. The effect this has on the women involved in the porn industry, is devastating. Your words brought back to me the horror of reading that chapter.

satan sells us the lie...In God we find the peace and serenity of the truth, as you so wonderfully put into words...

I asked my wife why women have such a hard time letting go of the past and forgiving men. She said "We go to work and are paid less; we work harder and climb the ladder slower; when a man cheats on us it just confirms that once again, we/I am worth less, I am not good enough".

My actions destroyed my wife's self esteem and I will spend the rest of my life trying to restore her faith in me. You remind me that I need to tell her more often how valuable she is...Thanks for reminding me.

You bring up the other side of all of this and remind us all of the damage to that precious child of God who we destroy with our actions.

As a father of a daughter, I think of these women. They are someone’s little girl. Maybe that father did not love them as God intended, I do not know or assume to know…but I also know they have a Father who cares…they are God’s little girl’s…

God bless you Jay...You are a Great man of God!

Steve G

Jamal wrote on May 7th 08 at 09:24PM

Hey mighty people of God! I have some revelation that will set you free. I challenge everyone to really think about this. The major problem we as Christians have, is that we focus too much on the wrong thing in our lives. You ask, "What is that?" I'll tell you. We focus too much on our sins, past and present. When I say, "sin", I mean all sin. We are too hung up on being conscious of sin. Sin shouldn't be our focus. The sacrifice of Christ should be our main focus.
We as Christians live under the New Covenant. The redemption of the New Covenant believer is eternal. I'll prove it. Read Hebrews 9:11-16. In Hebrews 8:6-8 it states that we have a better covenant than the old. It's established by the promises of God.
When I say, "The New Covenant", I am talking about the Blood Covenant of Jesus Christ. When He shed his blood, all our sins were washed away for good; past, present and future. Like Paul said, that doesn't give us the to sin, but still don't focus on it either.
I have 5 things to share with you that my Pastor shared with me tonight. I hope that this will delivere those who are living in the bondage of sin.
1. Living in guilt and shame of bad desicions will not help us walk in humility.
2. As you focus on your character flaws and sins, they WILL grow larger.
3. To succumb to guilt and shame is falling into the trap of the enemy which makes us question who we are in Christ. " We are more than conquerers because Christ lives within us!!!!!!!!"
4. Justice takes on a different perpective when you are washed in the Blood of Christ. God has wiped out the crops that bare the fruit of our mistakes. God is gonna turn things around.
5. Either the Blood of Jesus is affective or it's not at all.
Check out Hebrews 10:1-2. We should have purged our conscience of sin. Once the Blood of Jesus was applied, there was no record of our sins. God focuses on our strength and not our weaknesses. I'll give you proof of that. Look at Genesis 18:12-15. When God told Sara that she would bare a son, she laughed. She was mocking God when she laughed. That is a sin. Right? Then she denied that she laughed. She straight out lied to God, which is also a sin. Now check this out. In Hebrews 11:11, " Trough faith also Sara herself recieved strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, BECAUSE SHE JUDGED HIM FAITHFUL WHO HAD PROMISED." It doesn't say anything about her mocking God or even lieing to Him. Why? Because her sins were washed in the Blood that Jesus shed for us. He took them unto Himself. OUR SINS ARE GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!
So what does this all mean? We need to stop focusing on the problem and focus on God's solution.
Take a look at Isaiah 61:1. If you read it, I'll say this to you, The prison doors are opened so why are you still in the prison?
Mark 2:4-12. I'll say this, You have to know that you are forgiven of you sins before faith breaks out.
Come on my Brothers and Sisters of God!!!!! Break that bondage that has been binding you!!! Because of the New Covenant, we are completely free and delivered. JUST RECEIVE THAT IN FAITH!!!!!

unemployed youth pastor wrote on May 8th 08 at 06:31AM

I clicked on the link for this article because the title in the x3 newsletter said "ANGER, HATE AND RESENTMENT" and that's exactly what I have been feeling for a long time, now. I am angry at the Church for being the unsupportive place that it generally is and at God for not giving my family and I back our life.

I've been a youth pastor for over 15 years, but have been without a ministry for over a year, now. I was also a porn addict for about 20 years, but that addiction was broken a few years ago.

Being a pastor and addictetd to porn, there is nobody you can talk to. I wrestled with God and myself, alone for many, many years and finally shared my struggle with one close friend and with his gracious counsel to me and the help of the ministry of x3, I put that phase of my life behind me.

Since then, I have been "let go" from a couple of ministry jobs, for no good reason at all, and so all I have left is anger. The Church didn't do anything for me when I was hurting and struggling with my addiction (nor would they do anything for people struggling, in general, which I constantly pushed for) and then it kicked me to the curb for what are, at best, reasons of godless corporate maneuvering.

We lost everything after the last place fired me, and now I sit with no home, not enough income to live on, and no direction for my life. I know that I have been called to youth ministry, but since both firings came after my addiction ended, I find myself angry at God, like "this is how you reward me for beating back the demon of porn?"

I feel like porn sucked most of my life away and when I had little strength left, but was headed back in the right direction, the Church, which never helped me in my struggles, took what little I had left out of me.

I know that's more issues than this blog meant to address, but I'm not sure where else to chat about such topics. Is there an area of the site for pastors who struggle(d) with porn?

Thank you all for sharing your stories and you, Steve, for being so willing to write for us and share your wisdom. Take care, all...

Steve G wrote on May 8th 08 at 11:51PM

@ unemployed youth pastor...Yes, there is a pastors blog at http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/pastors/.

Copy and post your blog there also, it needs to be heard.

I went throught the Meadows with a man who was a priest...a great man of God, so caring...it seemed to me all his church wanted to do was to hide him as though there was something wrong with failing, as though failure was something unexpected...I met such an awesome man of God...I wish I could answer, except to tell you that I do not think it is God's will.

The greatest single cause of atheism today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable...

You have been judged, but not by God...you have been judged by His people, who are not perfect. But you must get back up just one more time and go seek a place where your weakness will be revealed for the goodness it will bring to helping others...keep seeking and read The God Memo I just posted...

I appologize for the behavior of Christians whom have fired you for failure...I used to be one of those...but no more judgement, just messages of love.

You are a Great man of God, my friend!