Courage.

I'm at the National Pastor's Convention in San Diego for a couple of days. With the rather harsh winter we've had in Salt Lake City it is so good to get to the sun, beach, and sand! My wife is usually on this trip with me and we have an awesome time. We eat a lot of food and we just chill together and we always come back restored. This is a good time for me to be here though, I've been helping 3 different couples sort out their marriages and it has been draining.  Of course in one case it is a couple that isn't married yet but she caught her guy looking at porn she wasn't happy and it looks like that wedding is postponed. I'm helping her guy get some help.  But my wife isn't with me this year and hear I am in a hotel room with free high-speed internet and pay per view movies. Don't worry, I'm okay, I've got accountability, and I've prayed over the room that it would be a sanctuary and not a porn fest. But my mind went back to the times when I would be traveling to speak somewhere or something and things were so different. Let me take you back about 4 years.

I can still hear my wife's words, "do you want to lose this!" She spoke those words through her tears one night after she caught me, once again, looking at Internet porn. For my wife and many wives/husbands (including pastor's wives/husbands) its like being strapped to a big wooden roller-coaster and having to ride over and over again without any breaks. Things rush by very fast, there are frequent, painful jolts, you feel trapped, and sick to your stomach (I guess thats suppose to be fun?...I do like roller coasters!) This was one of many painful experiences my wife endured for almost a year (not to mention the 10 painful years before I was caught...when I was only half present because of my secret addiction)  before there was a breakthrough with me, and I finally got serious about recovery. But I'll never forget those words.  They stand out because that is really what it comes down to when you think about it. What are you willing to lose for porn? A ministry? A wife? A husband? Children?

Those were dark days when I was so far gone into porn. It was hard to think, even harder to see what was most important with porn always clouding my mind and heart.  Ministry was tough because I was hiding a secret.  I was paranoid that someone would find me out, and that would be the end of me being a pastor. There was constant distress, fear, anxiety, and frustration over the fact that I couldn't break free. Yes, I wanted to be free.  Maybe not for the right reasons at first.  You see I think in the case of us guys, often we just hate the fact that something has such control over us so we get motivated to beat porn simply because we want to be in control of our lives. That isn't all bad because that can lead to abstinence at least.  But in my opinion abstinence isn't all we're after especially for us pastors. Just because we may be resisting the pull of porn doesn't mean that we have arrived at a new place of passion, commitment, or intimacy.  It just means that we aren't looking at porn. Which is a good thing, but not where God wants us to leave things.

I'm just now starting to get this.  It was one thing to get rid of my old flame (porn) its another thing to truly live, love, and lead without her and without desire for her!  Don't get me wrong she calls me up every now and then she says she just wants me to remember the "good old days" when it was just us, and she had my full attention and I was so into her.  She's got some new stuff even that she's willing to let me "sample", if I'm interested. Thankfully God's Spirit gives me discernment, clarity, and wisdom to see that she is not all that she's cracked up to be.  She's really not worth it and I've got so much more to live for (so much to lose).

Pastors, I want to be here for you in any way that I can. I want us to rediscover that passion, power, and intensity that has been covered over from years of dabbling in porn. I know it is the life we all long for. Courage.

Tim wrote on April 16th 08 at 08:17AM

Thanks for your honesty and willingness to joint he fight against impurity Bernie - XXXChurch has been and continues to be an inspiration to me and to everyone I introduce it to. What a great post here!

Carla van Raay wrote on April 17th 08 at 02:44AM

Thank you to Bernie. It was so good to see how he realised that porn made him 'only half present' to his wife and that porn was 'his flame' who received his full attention.
i am still curious as to how it is possible for Bernie to be at all attracted to porn now that he knows what it really is. there has to be an answer and it is not that he is weak, i am sure.

Randy Wood wrote on April 18th 08 at 09:51AM

Thanks, you spoke my heart here.

melissa wrote on April 18th 08 at 08:45PM

Thank you for being willing to be so honest.My husband struggles deeply with a pornography addiction,he has since he was 12yrs old. We are fighting this battle with God as our strength and it is such an eye opener to be able to hear straight from the mouths of other men the struggle they go through as well.

nicholson wrote on April 20th 08 at 03:44AM

I'AM a pastor i'am also having a lot of temptation in pornography so can you pray for me and help me

Bernie wrote on April 22nd 08 at 08:38PM

nicholson, I will be praying for you brother. thanks for your courage to admit that you are struggling

joey wrote on May 17th 08 at 11:01AM

Should a youth pastor tell his lead pastor when he is struggling?

Bernie wrote on May 18th 08 at 01:36PM

@joey Yes you should let your lead pastor know what is going on. I think it is only fare that he knows, that way he can support you and there's a level of transparency that makes your relationship and ministry the most effective. Of course you'll have to think about whether or not he is a safe person to talk to and supportive.

Stanley L wrote on June 10th 08 at 10:50PM

Thanks for sharing your story, bro'.