Balance

When someone is in the throws of addiction there is one thing you can count on.  The roller-coaster.  Envision a roller-coaster ride.  Climbing up, up, up and then a steep and scary drop, then a curve and a twist and an unexpected rise up out of your seat.  It is constant chaos.  There may be moments of what seems like a bearable ride but then BOOM another twist, turn, jump or drop and you are screaming to be let off the ride!

I know for me, I wanted to give grace, forgiveness and mercy but at times I felt like doing so was only enabling my husband or making it comfortable for him to continue in his lifestyle.  Then because of the confusion and what felt like the lack of control I had over my own life when he was constant in his sin, I became angry, combative, verbally abusive--just plain bitter. 

I wanted balance but not like that.  What I didn't understand were the true meanings of "enabling" and "encouraging".   My good friend Shellie Warren (who writes for women here in the blog section) once wrote an article entitled "Encourager's vs. Enablers" which helped me to understand better the meanings.  This is what she shared:

Encourager: To inspire with courage, spirit or confidence; to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc. ; to promote, advance or foster.

Enabler: to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize; to make possible or easy to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity; make able; one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior.

Now I know a lot of women who will try to enforce their own consequences but not the right ones. And I was one of them who would punish my husband in ways like not speaking to him, not washing his laundry and telling him that if he needed another woman to fulfil his fantasy he should dream her up to do his laundry then too.  ;)  I would tell him to sleep in another room of our house etc.   The problem with this is that even though no one would blame us for behaving this way--- these are not consequences designed by GOD to lead one to repentance.  Remember this? -->   "it is the KINDNESS of the Lord that leads to repentance." Let's look at that Scripture:

  Or are you [so blind as to] trifle with and presume upon and despise and underestimate the wealth of His kindness and forbearance and long-suffering patience? Are you unmindful or actually ignorant [of the fact] that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repent (to change your mind and inner man to accept God's will)? -Romans 2:4

How does GOD display his kindness?  Through people, through circumstances etc.  So could it be possible that GOD would use a man's helpmate to help lead him to repentance?  Perhaps.  But what is kindness?  Is it just making someone feel warm fuzzies?  My definition of kindness is to be concerned with the well being of the other person and to care for accordingly in that moment.  Being mean as payback is not for the highest good of the other person or yourself.  Patting them on the back and saying it is "ok" is not for their highest good either. 

We must believe GOD's word.  We must believe what he says about sin and what he says about relationships.  It has taken me a long time to find balance.  I have learned that I can put my foot down when I know what I am putting it down on is right. I can do it and exemplify kindness and mercy at the same time. I can stand in that place knowing that it is GOD's best for my spouse and for me even if it doesn't "feel warm and fuzzy".  Getting to this place is not easy and for me right now who is legally separated over this sin gives me an advantage that it is not in my face every day like it used to be for years- but that does not mean that I am not challenged- that I do not grow weak or weary but it also doesn't mean that GOD has given up on my spouse or on my marriage because I made this decision based on years of decisions my husband made.  As a matter of fact it is probably harder in many ways because I remain a married woman with no advantages of being married.  I wake up without my mate, I eat every meal without my mate,  I make decisions about my daily life without my mate, I travel without my mate, I am in social circles without my mate and go to sleep every night without my mate- yet I remain faithful to my covenant with GOD.  Whether you are in the same home with your spouse or you are separated.... you can still show the kindness and mercy of the Lord and you can find total peace in that place. You can still remain faithful to your covenant with God whether your husband does or not. 

There is balance in GOD and it does not include riding the roller-coaster or being a part of the juggling act.  God's word is solid and you can stand firmly sure-footed on it! 

*note to my readers*

I realize that some of you have divorced or are in the process of divorce.  I am not in anyway negating what you've been through to come to this place for yourself.  I am not in anyway saying that you are wrong for doing this.  There are times when yes- divorce is allowed by GOD and sometimes even necessary.  I believe there are times when GOD will use a divorce to wake up a spouse who is in grave trouble--- but we should never enter into divorce lightly or with this as our motive.  God's ways are not our ways.  As long as whatever we do is in faith and with HIM... we have no one else to answer to.  It is a humble heart surrendered to GOD that leads us into His will.

Marie wrote on October 9th 08 at 11:55AM

>> I have learned that I can put my foot down when I know what I am putting it down on is right.

Marie wrote on October 9th 08 at 11:57AM

Sorry, it ate the rest of my comment. I wanted to thank you for that single sentence; I think it will give me the strength to make some hard choices.

hannah wrote on October 16th 08 at 01:51AM

How do i know when i'm supposed to put my foot down and how?
Is it ok for me to want my husband to avoid situations where he commonly lusts after girls...even if that means quitting being involved in particular Church ministry?
I know they need him... but its hard enough that he works with guys who are constantly looking at magazines, and lusting after every girl that walks by...

Donna wrote on October 21st 08 at 12:02AM

How do you know when to step off the roller coaster? I've drawn my line in the sand and I don't know when to say enough is enough and move out. I'm so tired of the lies. I'm tired of waiting for him to get better. I don't know what to do.

Sky wrote on October 21st 08 at 07:24PM

I am on the roller coaster. Last night I told my husband 'no more' .... I will not stand for it one more time. He saw a counsellor this week after four years of flat out refusing to talk to anyone about his addiction. He thought he could fix himself. I understand that like any addict it cant be fixed over night but it has been almost 4 years of overnights since I first found out he was watching porn and he promised he would stop and I believed he would. I found out it never did and that our computer was filled with his porn and our house with his dvds.

I am a strong woman but he has broken me so much in the past week that I have contemplated suicide to end the pain in me and to hurt him. I am tired of the lies and lack of trust and most of all im tired of hurting. We have 3 small kids and for them I have determined to pick myself up again and be stronger then ever. My husband's father was a porn addict and i'll divorce my husband in a heartbeat if it means protecting my children from this disgusting evil.

My husband and I are giving our marriage one more chance. I love him. I adore him. But I refuse to go through this any more. I wont be dishonoured again. I wont have our home corrupted again. He has to stop it now. I want to believe that he will. I have empathy for him but I wont accept this sin any longer. I know he loves us and that we mean everything to him but the choice is his.

I can only live my life one day at a time because I dont know if tomorrow my world will come crashing down again. My brain is so fried. I've never had anxiety before but this week I had 2 attacks. I cant concentrate at work or at home. I am nervous that I will have an anxiety attack at work. I dont want my life to be a constant out of control roller coaster. I have my Bible marked to one Scripture and that one Scripture is all I can cling to! God help me and my kids and God save my husband.

Steve G wrote on October 21st 08 at 09:45PM

@Sky...I truly hope your husband is going to give this his best. I hear the pain in your post here and I think of the hell I put my wife and kids through...and I am so thankful for a wife who did what you are doing, she gave me one more chance and I knew it...I knew it was the last chance (divorce is kind of final).

Yes you do have to expect him to change and it is a fine balance of protecting yourself and showing compassion as Michelle points out here.

If your husband truly want to save his marriage, to save his children from the hell of divorce...he must change, he must "Want" this marriage above all else.

If he is open to it, ask him to post on the Men's blog here on xxxchurch. Ask him to post as Sky's husband and I will see his email address which of course is not shown to the public, but it will allow he and I to email in private...maybe God can reach him through me...just ask him to post to any of the my blogs and I will see it.

I am so sorry for your pain, that same pain I caused my wife...

God bless you, we are praying for you...

Steve and Ann

HopefullWife wrote on October 22nd 08 at 03:29PM

My husband and I have been married for a short year and a half. We have gone through tough times being it our first year of marrige but our toughest and darkest times were the lies and pain inflicted with my husbands addiction to pornagraphy. I feel like I have tried everything I possibly could have tried up untill this point. I have tried to help him, tried to get him help, loved him through it... but after all the lies and broken promises I have become a very bitter and insecure person when it comes to our relationship. I love this man more than anything in the world. I know he has a good heart, a sweet soul but I have been hurt so many times I feel like walking away. I am now 8 months pregnant with our first child. I am having a harder time now than ever before knowing I want to protect my unborn daughter from this sickness. I want her to know her mother and father as complete and honest people. I dont want her to see us as we are. It would tear me apart if she ever felt any of the pain that I have felt.

brandi wrote on October 22nd 08 at 04:02PM

i need all the help with putting my foot down

MTof X3 wrote on October 22nd 08 at 04:22PM

I just want to thank all of you for sharing and for pouring your hearts out here. I know I say this often but in case you ladies have missed it- PLEASE come and visit Partners for Purity. www.partnersforpurity.com It is a site for WOMEN who have been affected by the sexual sin of someone they love. There are over 700 women there now who know what it is like to be where you are. They are women who will be faithful to pray for you and yours, who will be an ear to listen and who will give advice when asked for.

Sky- the only thing I can add to what Steve has said is this: say what you mean and mean what you say. Too many of us "put our foot down" with our words and then we don't follow though either because we put our foot down before we knew for sure if God was in that or not or we just decide we'll try it another way.... this only contributes to the cycle of insanity. I pray that your husband means business this time as well. There is so much at stake.

Hopeful, my guess is that you knew there was a problem before you married but you were hoping that marriage would contain it or fix it... am I right? Please come to P4P and let the ladies minister to you. We will walk with you through this time.

Brandi,
Yes- it is good to get a multitude of godly counsel who can help you determine what is the right thing to put your foot down on!

God bless you all. You are precious!