A STARVING (WO)MAN'S DIET

Have you ever seen a train wreck coming (figuratively speaking) and not been able to stop it?

That's what life is like right now for me as it relates to someone that I know.  There is a young woman who, since I've known her, has always been consumed with being in a relationship.  (Take a number, right?) Well, now she is about to get married and none of the signs are pointing to the fact that it's a good decision: he's broke, he has no car or house, he's a substance abuser and he's leaning really hard on the side of controlling and secrecy.  Yet, for some reason, in her world, it's all good.

When a mutual friend of ours was talking about it, she said, "I wonder why she's so desperate to get married.  I know she loves God.  Why doesn't she wait?"

(Sidebar: Do you ever have moments when, right as the words are coming out of your mouth, you know it's the Holy Spirit?)

"Because," I said, "When you are starving, you'll eat just about anything."

I have been thinking about that since I've said it.  Do you know how many times I have eaten the "love scraps" that some man would throw at me all because I was so hungry, so needy, so desirious of male attention and affection?  So what he had other girlfriends?  So what he was using me for my body and resources?  So what I was unhappy more than I was happy?  Anything beats being alone, right?

WRONG!!!

Ladies, we have to get to a place where a man doesn't fill us; he simply complements us.  I think I've shared before that one of the best things any of my past "concubines" (men that had "marriage benefits" without the commitment or responsibility) has said to me is, "Shellie, what a man says to you should not be a REVELATION, but a CONFIRMATION." 

Of all of the things he said to me, that was the one he can be most proud of!

Sadly, I think a lot of times our self-esteem is so low that what men say to us, do to/for us is just that: a revelation.  He tells us we're cute and we "eat it up."  He tells us we're sexy and we "devour it".  He tells us he wants to take us on a date and we're so craving for companionship that, in our minds, we're already planning the wedding and honeymoon.

Ugh.

Now, more than ever, I understand why Christ said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst." (John 6:35)  Ladies, we have to get to a place where we are not so "religion-minded" all of the time.  When God, through Paul, said that an unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord (I Corinthians 7:34), this doesn't mean that we are expected to be in church all day while the wives are at home with their husbands.  It means that we are free to spend time with God in a way that defines, and for many of us, restores us to the place of royalty that he calls us to be.

God never intended for us to live like an emotionally starved individual who will take whatever someone throws at us.  He wants us to be like the Parable of the Pearl. (Matthew 13:45-46)  He wants our future mates (or current boyfriends) to be like the merchant who saw that one precious pearl and SOLD EVERYTHING THAT HE HAD TO GET IT.  We shouldn't lose anything by being in a romantic relationship.  A healthy one should just add to who we are and what we already have.

So, this weekend, I want to encourage you to fill up on what Christ has for you and if you're tempted to settle, don't.  Remember, you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Philippians 4:13), and emotional strength comes from eating at God's table...

...not off some man's scraps.

passion project wrote on July 18th 08 at 08:54PM

From a guy's perspective nothing could be sexier in a woman who loves God more than us. We could even see this outside the church. A woman who has a passion higher than us guys always gives us a sense of awe and usually bewilderment. I'm reminded of what one of friends said,
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man needs to seek Him first to find her."

Shellie R. Warren wrote on July 20th 08 at 07:09PM

@passion project. I love hearing a guy's perspective on topics like these. THANK YOU. Definitely something I will keep in mind!

Alicia Deberry wrote on July 21st 08 at 04:35PM

this is just what I needed to hear today. I have just been restored to God and it has been hard because I had all my trust in a man. Now I put my heart, soul, mind, body and spirit into Jesus and I really trust and believe that if he has a mate for me he will send him and I will know. This is what I needed to stay strong and get through today na dmake the right decision. God Bless xxxchurch.

Peter wrote on July 24th 08 at 09:13AM

I felt I need to clarify the earlier comment which, misunderstood, might lead to undesirable outcomes. A gal needs to be cautious as to the nature of a man’s interest. In the end analysis we all live what we believe. Couple this with the fact that husbands and wives will generally work to covert each other to their “religion” because “one” can’t have two religions. I feel that there are four possibilities: 1) Would I be attracted because I wanted to be converted (that might be good but then it might not “take”), or 2) because I want to convert her, or worse 3) do I believe that her belief system allows me “tools” of manipulation? (Wrongly used you can see where the following statement could lead “She’s is bound by her faith to honor my will and forgive no matter what I do”) I’ve come to believe that the man needs to be the spiritual leader and priest in a relationship, before and after marriage. Now men and women are fashioned differently by God and the aspects of their walks with God will be different. So a woman might have a more active prayer life and man might be deeper theologically (only examples) or the woman might be older in the Lord but if the man’s zeal is significantly outstripped (or verse visa  ) I feel we are entering the domain of the unequally yoked. ( no, I haven’t forgotten number four…) Now, admittedly, its been many years since I was single and I can easily see that a God fearing woman walking strong in the areas God has gifted her would very attractive to a Godly young man. As a single man, the glaring reality of the lack in himself of the spiritual aspects she exhibits should be as strong as the glaring reality of the physical aspect she has and he doesn’t and both are belong rightfully in the foundation for a good relationship. So to summarize, 4) Is my attraction due to a girl walking the feminine aspects of a God centered walk? I greatly admire the walk of my first wife (the current and only) and although I learn a great deal from her and she challenges me to walk the talk, I feel I’m her equal when it comes to our desire to serve our Lord. God’s blessings upon you and through you.

Jenna wrote on July 26th 08 at 01:16PM

Thank you for writing this blog. There's this married guy at work who keeps hitting on me, and I really like the attention. I keep trying to remind myself that I'm worth so much more than that--that I'm a daughter of God and shouldn't give in to a guy who just wants to use me for sex. Sometimes it's so hard to do the right think though, when I love his compliments and attention. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't settle, so thanks so much for writing this encouraging blog! I will stand strong. I won't give in.

Anjanette M. Potter wrote on August 1st 08 at 06:17PM

To Shellie once again you've struck gold. This is truly a word in due season. To passion project I have a real hard time believing you because a lot of men say what you're saying but when you meet a woman who has more on her mind than you the first you do is try to shut her down. I've heard that lie a million times and am really tired of hearing it. I'm dating the wrong kinds of men right? If I were talking men that I've dated it would a different story. Many of the men I'm referring to haven't made it into a decent courtship before they start trying to get me to "submit". If this isn't you I apologize, but, if it is then shame on you for spouting another line.

Philsophmiphizer wrote on August 1st 08 at 07:26PM

Whoops... probably just should have said um... any part about mistreating women. Just ignore the both, and yes I should have checked my editing, but I didn't... Oh well.

Peace.

Shellie R. Warren wrote on August 3rd 08 at 09:58PM

@Alicia Deberry. You know, there's a real peace in knowing (and receiving) that when God says he will withhold no good thing from us (if we walk uprightly---Psalm 84:11) that he really means it. Pray for me and I will do the same for you!

Shellie R. Warren wrote on August 3rd 08 at 10:00PM

@Peter. I knew what you meant and I appreciate your insights. It's nice to hear a "man's side of things" over here in "Women's World"---especially a married, healthy man. God bless you and your "helpmate".

Shellie R. Warren wrote on August 3rd 08 at 10:02PM

@Jenna. Girl, I've been right where you are...in a place where you are so starved for attention that you will "eat" anything that is placed in front of you. Remember, what a man tells you should not be a "revelation" but a "confirmation".

Shellie R. Warren wrote on August 3rd 08 at 10:04PM

@Philsophmiphizer. It's all good.