Letter to myself:
Sickened.
I’m sickened by you. Really, you make me physically sick. You are the only thing in my life that brings me such shame, the kind of shame that makes me feel like I can never be truly known. The kind of shame that makes my stomach turn, and gives me abdominal pains. The shame that lies to me about my identity, that tells me that I dont want or need people around me, that I am grumpy, and sad and full of self pity. The kind of shame that makes me angrily look way from my Father, and build up walls that my friends and family can sense. The shame that tells me that opening up to them about watching pornography will make them despise me, think me disgusting and of little value. I am sick of the way you make me feel like absolute scum, a liar and one not worthy of love from anyone. I am sick most of all from how you make me feel like I can never accept Love himself. That I will never know what it feels like to be fully known, warts and all and loved regardless. I have this Love, yet I feel I need to feel it still, all because of you. My dirty little secret. I have something to tell you. I’ve been saved by grace in Christ Jesus, it is no longer I that live but Christ in me. And this new creation, the Christ in me is not addicted to pornography. This new creature is Hephzibah. My God, my Father delights in me. I have been born again into His family, blood pure, holy, blameless, righteous flows through my veins. I have been sanctified by the blood of Christ, and justified through Him who died so that you died and I, brand new, rose, reborn renewed, with Him. I am loved. Wow am I loved. I am delighted in by the Most High God. My Father rejoices over me with singing, and dance! Can you even imagine it- the Creator’s joy beaming over me in dance and song over ME! hahahaha! What goodness. I will not let you set foot in my life and in my friendships again, you died, you really died, I truly believe and rejoice in your death so that I might live, holy and blameless before God. I will no longer let your lies hinder me in my walk and in my seeking of my Ftaher’s kingdom. I will no longer let fear or you being exposed cripple me into silence, and cripple me into never letting my friends and family know me fully, know me as open and honest, vulnerable and meek, and weak… yes I am weak. For when I am weak He is strong. I look forward to giant leaps forward with the Father. And you being another testimony, that points to the redeeming love of the one who has been pursuing me time and time again. No more live. From here on it’s open. Honesty. Truth is my foundation. Love my stronghold. Hope my anchor. Christ my saviour. Grace my labour. I am free.
Letter from my sex addict:
You’re not free. You’ll never be free from me. You can’t be honest with anyone, nevermind yourself. We have been at this for 7 years now… what makes it different this time? You will continue to turn to me when you feel stressed, or slighted or sad. You will continue to try find a quick fix of intimacy in me. Say all you want to I’m still in control. I live. I live.