1983

By Steve-Oh on Jun 28, 09 at 02:15 PM | Share This | Comments (10)

Welcome back X3ers! This week's blog was a tough one to do. I had to dig deep and bring up some pretty nasty things in my life that i hope will help someone out there this week. Also keep the families of those who have passed away this week. Now lets get started....

Looking back 1983 was a pretty good year. We had Disneyland open up in Tokyo, The A Team debut, Microsoft Word was released, Michael Jackson had a hit with Beat It, and my favorite KISS unmasked on MTV, Ronald Reagan signed a bill declaring Martin Luther King Day, and Tom Brokaw became the lead anchor at NBC.

Now my little world as a preacher's kid in North Carolina things were a little bit different that year. I was 9 years old loving life. I would play with my buddy Artie who lived across the street. We would ride bikes, build forts, listen to Prince and Duran Duran. We were having the time of our lives. We didn't have a care in the world. Until one day at dinner my life changed forever. I can remember it like it just happened. My family was eating dinner one night and my mom asked the question " Has anyone ever touched you?" My little mind went 200mph. What do i say? Will i get in trouble if i say yes? While i had all these thoughts going on my dad reassured me that i would not be in any trouble. So i spoke up and said "YES!" My mom busted out into tears and was hysterical. My dad then asked me " Who touched you?" I sat there for a while scared, mom still hysterical. My dad asked again with tears in his eyes "Stephen, who touched you?" I then went on to tell them who did this to me. It was my Sunday School teacher.My dad then stood up and went straight to the phone. That night dad and some of the deacons went around to different houses asking the young boys in my class "Has anyone ever touched you?" This went on for several hours. My dad and his board members then confronted the man accused (several of the boys had said that this man had touched them) he admitted he was doing it. Long story short the was arrested, went to trial and convicted.

Remember i was 9. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't understand that what he was doing to me was wrong. After he was finished doing with us what he did he would always give me money and say "This is our secret, nobody needs to know." Having a "secret" with a grown up kinda made me feel important. These events had been going on for almost 2 years. In that time frame my life had been filled with more sexual encounters and images than most adults. Why did he do this? Who knows?All i know is that it happened, i know i was taken in bathrooms, classrooms, vans, basements and made to do horrible things with a grown man.

I know years after that i had issues with sex. I thought about it a lot. I looked at porn magazines and movies. I even hid in the woods with my buddy and watched my neighbor and her friend lay out in the sun topless. Why did i do this at a young age? I believe that it stemmed from the abuse. I liked the way it made me feel. I continued to look at porn for years. I wasn't addicted but i enjoyed it. I didn't have self control. As crazy as it sounds this is what i learned from my abuser.

I bet you are saying to yourself why his he telling me this? I'll tell you why, there are thousands of men out there who have been abused and never told anyone. They are walking around with that extra weight. Studies show that men are less likely to disclose sexual abuse. Men take significantly longer than women to discuss experiences of childhood sexual abuse, in many cases more than 10 years.

Why is it so hard for men to open up and share what has happened to them? Most men are scared that they will be looked at as "queer" , that they are going to have to prove themselves sexually, that they are not worthy to be a man. Our ideas about masculinity don't leave room for being seem as a "victim."I am a man and don't want to be seem as anything else. There are also the societal myths concerning victims becoming perpetrators.

Some of the other problems that you can find in sexual abuse victims is addiction. Everyone is different some turn to drugs and alcohol, some feel they have to look at or be involved in porn to "prove" themselves. As many studies have also shown in males suicide is the chosen way out. Don't let that be you!!

This is for the men. If you have been sexually abused and never told anyone don't be scared to share it. Get it off your back, you don't have to carry that baggage any longer. People aren't going to look at you like you are less of a man because this happened to you. You are not going to be thought of as gay, or a pervert. I promise. If you have told someone and are still struggling know this that sexual abuse does not define who you are. Don't let it overrun your life. Hiding is the worst thing to do. I know that its hard due to the shame of society especially as a man. Know that you were not responsible, be your own man.

My life has been turned around. I am not ashamed of what i went through. I use it to help others. If you are struggling please find someone to talk to. Find a good church and in it i know you will find a loving pastor who will get you on the path to recovery. If you don't feel comfortable with church you can email me and i will be glad to help you. Know that there are people who care and want to help and that you are not alone.

One last thing one of my favorite verese from the bible "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME" Take care and until next week........

STEVE OH
LOVE JESUS/LOVE PEOPLE

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Comments (+ Add your comment)

alexcook wrote on June 28, 2009 at 02:39 PM

Thank you, xxxchurch has blessed me and inspired me. I know that it has and will continue helping people.

Barney D. wrote on June 28, 2009 at 07:01 PM

Wow dude, never would have known. It's great that you can talk about it though, I guarantee somebody else will read this having been through something similar, and nothing is worse than dealing with abuse and a feeling of aloneness.

Keep going with the ministry though, it looks like you're going to help a lot of people.

Make War wrote on June 28, 2009 at 10:48 PM

Steve-Oh,
Thanks for taking the time to share with us. You said that this was a tough blog to write, I can only imagine that it would be. I think that this will encourage a lot of other readers, and myself, to be more courageous and real about sharing our struggles and seeking Godly mentors/partners in this battle.

'He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.' Proverbs 18:13

'When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord"; and You forgave the guilt of my sin.' Psalm 32:3-5

I have enjoyed reading your blog posts and insights so far. Keep up the good work of presenting truth and encouraging those of us readers who are weary from this battle. Know that in the Lord, your work on this site is not in vain! (1 Corinthians 15:58)

Tom K. wrote on June 30, 2009 at 06:49 PM

Thanks for sharing, Steve. I remember reading about ten years ago that approximately 45% of adult gays admitted to being molested by an adult male when they were children. 45% of gay men! Coincidence? I seriously doubt it. C.S. Lewis, as I'm sure you're awared, talked about younger boys who served as "tarts" to the older boys in his bording school. That was around 1908. He wrote about it in the 1940s.

Jon B wrote on June 30, 2009 at 10:56 PM

And I just wanted to share this in response to what you said regarding not being defined by this.

In Song of Solomon 1:5 the woman (or the church or believer) says,

"Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected."

She begins by saying "Dark am I...." To be dark in that day wasn't considered attractive. She was describing how ugly she was. She even goes on to describe herself as ugly as the Tents of Kedar which were made out of nasty black goat hair. Gross! Black goat hair woven together! Yuck! The she immediately turns around and says, "yet lovely."

It doesn't make any sense for her to be like "I am THIS ugly" and to turn around and say, "but I'm beautiful." She's contrasting who she is all the failures and the abuses of others (the part about the mother's sons making her tend the vineyards) with who God see's her as. Her identity is in Christ. You can read Romans 5:17 and especially Song of Solomon 6:5 where God says to us, "turn your eyes from me they overwhelm me." He's so in love with us and we can take our identity in Him!

Allan wrote on July 01, 2009 at 12:37 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. I run a blog reaching out to believers with mental illness and would like to share your story and link back to your site. If you'd rather I didn't that's okay. My blog is at www.morethancoping.wordpress.com

God bless! Allan

Dont want anyone to know wrote on July 01, 2009 at 01:18 PM

I don't know what to say, I see much of myself in your story. I am dealing with an addiction to Pornography, and Hentai myself. Yes, I was abused as a child, by my Aunt. I also agree that I think that my addiction stems from the abuse, and I would like to beat this thing, but its so HARD. If I am not busy, then I go to a porn, or hentai site, and I think, this time will be different, this time I won't masterbate. But I always end up doing these things, I have tried to block these sites, but to know avail, I keep going back. I thought I had beat this years ago, but now I seem to have fallen into the same trap, and now I more worse than ever. I realize I need help, and I do believe in GOD. I am starting Church tonight, with my wife. She doesn't know about the addiction, but she does know I was abused. I put up the front, that the abuse was no big deal... as when I told my Mom she acted like it was not a big deal.. I need to beat this, But I would like to keep everything having to do with it a secret... I just need to beat this.

Steve G wrote on July 01, 2009 at 10:21 PM

@ Dont want anyone to know...

I know that feeling of shame, I remember hiding all of this stuff, I remember thinking if people knew they would hate me...it was all a lie.

I remember telling my wife of the depth of where I had ended up...it was done with two professional counselors who delt in sexual addiction in the same room. Still the impact was so great she got up and walked out.

As I sat in heap in that room, as I realized I had probably lost my wife, my kids and really my life...with the words I had just spoken still hanging in the air...one of the counselors said "look around you, you are still alive".

What she meant is I had made up so much stuff about what would happen at that moment, that even though I thought I had lost everything...I gained something in that room...I had looked satan straight in the eye and told him I would not live like this any more.

Today, as you can read on all of my previous posts here (I suggest you read Moving At The Speed of God) my life today is very different.

I am not suggesting you disclose everything to your wife at this time. I think church is a good move, but it can be a scary place for a sex addict. You will need three things in this fight.

1. God...think you got that.

2. A group of fellow recovering sex addicts which you can find in almost any city. These will be the finest people you will ever meet, they will become your best friends.

3. The Truth. This could be a while but someday through God and your group, you will find a way to disclose all of this to your wife. What God will do with that disclosure will amaze you, you will see the miracles God can do in lives and you will live a freedom that you simply cannot imagine.

I wrote the next blog post for you..."What I made up about that"

Welcome to the first step, not perfection but grace...the forgivness of self and the acceptance of the fact that Jesus loves you and so do we.

Welcome back to your life...

Steve G

Steve-Oh wrote on July 02, 2009 at 02:38 PM

Thanks Steve G for your added comments!!!

To Don't want anyone to know,

WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU!! As we continue to talk via email i look forward to see the progress you make over the next few months. You can do it.

Steve Oh

Gretchen Paules wrote on July 14, 2009 at 11:12 AM

The Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation is a newly formed nonprofit with a mission to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post a childhood photo and caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. By uniting survivors from across the globe we can help provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted. Please visit our site for more details on how you can send us your submissions.

Thank you for everything you do!

Gretchen Paules
Administrative Director
Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation
111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004

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