When Masturbation Isn't Really Masturbation
Oh, the "M" word... we meet again.
Masturbation is a topic that tends to show up on this blog, and similar blogs that address sexual issues, from the aspect of compulsivity and unhealthy or addictive sexual behavior that adults engage in. In a previous job I worked as a counselor at an assessment center for child victims of sexual abuse. Every week I would get calls from parents who were panicked about their child masturbating and what it could possibly mean. While working there I talked about masturbation and children all the time. I thought would address some of the more common concerns that parents tend to have about their children's masturbation, as well as how parents should respond.
One of the most important things that parents of young children should keep in mind is that masturbation isn't always masturbation. In fact, body exploration is a part of normal, healthy child sexual development. As adults, we associate touching or self stimulation as a sexual activity. It is common for us to project our adult ideas about sex, lust, or fantasy on to children when we see them touching in a way we feel is inappropriate. Unless they have been exposed to adult sex or pornography, young children do not have any concept of what sex is. What we view as masturbation for them is more likely self exploration and/or self soothing. This non-sexual thought process is something like, "Hey check out what I found! Hmmm... that feels good" and repeat. The repeat may include rubbing or touching with their hands or toys, and can progress to rubbing on furniture, toys or pillows, modeling with dolls, or comparing body parts with other children of the same age (either same or opposite sex). All of these behaviors are very normal in children under 8 years old.
According to the Children's Assessment Center in Grand Rapids, Michigan the following are a few other sexual behaviors that are considered normal for young children:
0-4 Years Old
- Touches or rubs own genitals
- Interested in and explores the differences between genitals (male and female, child and adult)
- Use dirty or "potty" language
- Plays house or doctor (imitative or modeling)
5-8 Years Old
- Touches self
- Tells or re-tells "dirty jokes"
- Plays doctor while exploring other children
- Kissing, hand ho lding
- Pretends or mimics dating
- Writes letters about "sex" terminology
As parents we are given a command to "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6). Generally speaking, I think that we assume that this verse means to teach children about good morals, give children discipline, and provide a biblical foundation so our kids will grow up to be adults who live that stuff out. That's true. But what we sometimes overlook is that this command is to teach our children about all things, including sex. When we teach our children, even our young children about body parts and touching we are starting the conversation. And we are helping to create a solid foundation that leads to healthy sexual relationships when they are adults. I think that this is a specific, intentional goal that all parents should have.
How do we create that foundation and provide Proverbs 22 training and instruction when we are talking about sexual behavior with children younger that 8 years old?
- When you see your child doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, such as "masturbation", remember that it is normal and non-sexual. Don't yell, become stressed, or in any way communicate to your child (verbally or non-verbally) that he or she is doing something bad. Shaming your child can have devastating, long term effects.
- It is appropriate to teach your child about private parts and that they are just that: private. That means that we don't touch them in front of other people or when we are in public.
- If you think that your child is touching his or herself to self soothe acknowledge that it feels good and redirect him or her to another, more appropriate self soothing activity.
- Reinforce who can and can not touch his or her private parts. Also reinforce that it is ok to say no to any kind of touch, even hugs or kisses, if they don't want them. Their body is theirs.
- Start creating a comfort with appropriate sexual vocabulary by teaching your child the correct names for private parts.
Sexual images and sex talk is everywhere, especially for school aged children. Parents need to start the conversation long before their children are exposed through media or peers. It is so important for us to talk about it frequently and calmly. Show your child you are comfortable talking about this and he or she will be more comfortable talking about it with you when they are older.
I'm curious: Do you think your parents did a good job talking about sex or sexuality with you? At what age do you plan to start talking about sex or sexual behaviors with your children?
Craig Gross @ XXXchurch Headquarters
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i didnt start talkin to them, when i was in the 8th grade...i mean, they talked about masturbation and stuff but it was to the point when they did, i stopped doin it, so i mean im a sophomore now and i feel great. And they did stress sexuality on me, cuz they didnt want me to end up becoming homosexual or any other activities, period with guys. So, they helped out alot. And i thank them for it!(:
Great article. Very encouraging. My wife and I had talked about this just a couple days ago. This has helped. Thanks.
My parents didn't talk much with me about sex, and I was a voracious reader. The problem was that I ran out of kids' books, and started reading the adult books in the library, like Jackie Collins and those torrid romances. I learned about sex from those. Needless to say, I became very interested and made some poor choices. I vowed not to repeat the same mistake with my daughter. We talked early and still talk often (she's 9) about the mechanics and what the Bible says about sex, and WHY. I never wanted to make it a taboo topic, because I want her to come to me with her questions, not her friends, who very rarely know the right answer to anything.
I no longer have the memories of just where I learned about sex. I don't remember getting 'the talk' from anyone. I can indirectly remember as a child knowing that my sister-to-be was, as I thought of it at that age, 'in mummy's tummy.' I even remember giving my mother a bar of chocolate for her to eat on behalf of the sister inside her.
Incidentially, once sister game out, it was the start of many years of sibling rivalry - don't think we stayed that cute, some of our fights were quite vicious.
At some point though I must have figured it out - I think I put it all together as a composite of dirty jokes, biology textbooks, and snippets picked up from television. It took me until I was in secondry school to figure out what 'oral sex' meant, but I had the rest worked out before then. I'm sure my mother would have answered any questions I cared to ask - she is no great supporter of the taboo - but I never had the inclination to raise the issue. What she told me, I forget learning.
I do remember the first porn I saw - came across it on an old floppy disk. It held a very brief appeal of the forbidden, but that was all. Maybe I was just too young at the time to feel any interest in sex, but I didn't even bother to keep a copy of the files.
I turned out perfectly healthy though, other than one unusual but safe fetish.
Great blog- very informative!
I appreciated it entirely but this gets kudos from me: "Start creating an appropriate sexual vocabulary by teaching your child the correct names for private parts."
I always cringe when I hear a mommy using a word like "Susie" in referring to her daughters vagina or "Willy" when referring to her son's penis. Not only is it going to create an issue for the real Susie's and Willy's of the world but it is just ridiculous. In my opinion of course. ;)
MT of X3, You're about using the correct names for body parts. Silly made up manes for vagina and penis make me cringe too. They also make it difficult for small chidren when they do hear the correct words.
I miss typed and have corrected the post. Sorry for any confusion!
Nicole
Well, I must say for one thing that I do not condone this what-so-ever. As normal as these particular actions for little children to be doing are, such "explorations" are what got my girlfriend and I into our addictions at young ages such as these! I believe that this article in ways goes against what this web site is all about.
Forgive me, I do not condone the statement that "masturbation isn't always masturbation."
If the exploring creates artificial pleasures, then it is not pure.
Zach, if exploring is "not pure," then at what age are youngsters accountable for it? If a two-year-old touches himself (and he's likely to), is he condemned under the Law? Age of the child and his/her understanding of right and wrong have to be taken into account. Playing doctor at age 15 is a whole lot different than doing it at age 3.
Note also that Nicole encourages parents to redirect children to other self-soothing behaviors. Obviously if the kid's only way to self-soothe is to rub his/her genitals, that is not a pattern that anyone wants to encourage, because of course it is liable to persist later in life and cause all kinds of havoc. Teach the kid to do deep breathing or something else relaxing to calm him/herself down. But DON'T just shame the child or beat him/her about head with how bad it is. All that accomplishes is to lay the groundwork for the kid to be secretive about sexual practices in the future. Anyone who shames kids like this might as well post a sign that says, "Don't talk to us about sex, learn it from TV or your friends." As with a lot of things, shaming kids doesn't necessarily get them to change behavior, it just teaches them to hide it better.
Jesse, I am sorry for an explosion of my feelings, I agree with you that there is an age appropriate accountability but ages as young as six and seven can even be rare but edgy on that. I have living proof. And of course I don't believe that shunning is an appropriate action. I just know the problems it can cause and it must be stopped before it becomes something that will form habit. I'm sorry that I went overboard on my comments, I'm just rather touchy about it and I should have taken more time to express it in writing...
Just nitpicking on theology here, but... according to the standard protestant model of Christianity, there is no problem with even newborns being accountable for sin. One of the fundamental beliefs of the religion is that the rules of sin are so strict that noone, not one person, can hope to abide by them - that's the whole point of the substitutional atonement. If anyone is able to live a sinless life, then the whole framework breaks down. Catholics even introduced origional sin just to make absolutly sure that couldn't happen.
My mom never discussed anything with me that I can remember. the only sex advice I ever got from her is right before I got married and she told me that as a wife it is part of my "duty" for lack of a better word to satisfy my husband and he will keep it at home. To all you femi-nazis that probably sounds horrible, but it has been very good for my marriage and I haven't struggled with many issues that other women face and also, my hubs tells me that many men complain that their wives wont' give it up.
As for my children, we call their "private" areas "sacred parts". We tell them now (ages 7 1/2 and 4) that their sacred parts are sacred. They are special and not for others. My daughter is a nudest :) and she is allowed to be nude except we require underwear and clothes when guests are over. But we are fairly open in our house, so my kids don't think as much about "private parts." However, we do not allow them to touch eachother.