I AM A LIAR!!
I am addicted to Internet porn. This is the first time I have ever confessed this to anyone other than my wife. I have a foot fetish. I have had a foot fetish since childhood. I remember telling my mom when i was four that I wanted to kiss our neighbor girl's (also my age) feet. I used to rub my two older sister's feet and my oldest sister still teases me about times when I was 3 and 4 that I would kiss her feet. I have so many memories of doing stuff with my cousin's and aunt's feet as a little boy ages 5-9. All through grade school, Jr high, and high school, I was always looking at girl's and especially female teacher's feet. In college (bible college) i actually propositioned two women (by letter) regarding their feet and never got caught I think they were too embarrassed to do anything. Since being married (14years)I have been on the Internet looking at feet at least 4-5 times a week. Sometimes I masturbate, but mostly I just look. I pastor a large church and I look at stuff throughout the day in my office, even though my computer faces towards the door. There have been a few times throughout the years that I have been caught, but no one has ever done anything about it, so continue to maintain this false sense of confidence. Everywhere I go I look at women's feet. My wife is constantly telling me to look up, but it is like an impulse. Of course there are so many women out there who where shoes that draw attention. I have been good at controlling it at times, and I have had periods of tremendous struggle, the latter of which I am in right now. I discovered a website that has women who put on private peep shows for a price. This has been a huge hook for me as I actually have a woman willingly showing me her feet without being repulsed or thinking I am weird. I am tired of fighting this. I have even gone so far as to rub and teasingly smell my mother-in-law's feet, and I have feel myself going out of control. I am spending way too much money and I am living a lie and I can sense my ministry is going down the tubes and it breaks my heart. I struggle to find accountability because I am so embarrassed. Honestly it would be easier for me to admit to other forms of porn, than it is for me to admit this. I am dieing inside.
I believe somehow this fetish has become your addiction that is now destroying you from inside. I'd suggest to go to a Christian cousellor and to talk about this thing with your wife more, because you are called to share everything in your life with her.
Is it possible for you to establish some accountability where you are? Do you have friends in your church like someone who can accept you with your struggles without judgmeте and regadrless of your pastorship status?
God bless you, dear brother!
