Torn Out Heart

My heart beats outside my chest,
Vulnerable, agonizing, broken
The pain sears itself in my soul,
Why,
How could he,
How long,
LIES!
Deceit,
Torrents of thoughts,
Whirling emotions,
A tiger wants to break out of me and jump on this thing,
This addiction that afflicts him,
This poison that kills him,

Try, Try,
Try to understand,
All you want to do is rub it in his face,
Make him hurt a fraction of what you do,
But what I need to realize;
He does,
He already has- long before I found out,
He wants to stop- more than I want him to,
But it’s a cruel reality,
A battered drum,
A windswept desert,

Some days are OK,
Other days doubt creeps in,
All I want to do is cry,
I want to run away from him,
To hide in a cocoon and be safe,
But somehow I stay,
Somehow I don’t run, I don’t abandon him,
Because a still, strong voice says,
There is hope,
There is hope,
There is hope.
Hold onto God,
Know who YOU are in HIM,
Rather than this earthly man,
Realize what this thing called sacrifice is,
Realize the meaning of Calvary; it is crucial,

Forgive?
It’s beyond me to be able to do that,
It’s beyond me to even think of wanting to do that,
But where there is hatred, Lord,
Let me so love,
Restore this doubt to faith,
Heal these open wounds,
I give YOU my heart God,
In YOU I trust,
And to him I give support,
I will choose to love despite the unreal difficulty,
Despite not wanting to,
Despite
Because despite his sin God loves him,
Despite my sin, God loves me,
Despite it all there is forgiveness,
There is grace that flows,

But God I can’t do this on my own,
I can’t love him on my own,
I can’t stop the thoughts of doubt, anger, self hatred and inadequacy on my own,
God it’s too much.
Take my heart,
Hold in Your arms God,
Show me more of You

<3

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