Feel stuck
I found out that my dh has a porn problem about three months ago. I caught him; he didn't tell me. He did admit it after I found out. He told me he has had the problem for about three years now. He has been going to counseling, but there seems to be no root for the problem. In the meantime, I've been feeling stuck in life while it is passing me by. I've forgiven him for the actual sin, but I can't seem to get over the lack of honesty. I'm angry, hurt, frustrated. I thought I knew my husband, inside and out. I feel like he betayed me. Some days I think I can get through this, other days I wish he wouldn't come home from work. One day, I had so much hurt and anger inside me that had built up, that I just turned around and punched him in the arm and began sobbing. Then, I apologized for hitting him. I just don't understand this. He is the one that came from the "normal" christian family home. I'm the one that came from the disfunctional home. His addiction has blown everything out of proportion for me. I feel guilty when I'm suspicious of him. I feel like I'm not good enough anymore. (Yes, I know this isn't my fault. My head knows that, but not my heart.) What do I do? I'm stuck. I can't seem to move forward. He is doing good; I'm struggling all the time. Can someone please help me?
Patrice wrote on June 23rd 08 at 07:42PM
Call your church and ask for a referral to a counselor. If you don't want to call your own church, call a larger one in your town; they will have a list of people and those people often offer discounts from church referrals. My husband and I went through counseling a year ago, and he promised the porn had stopped. He didn't like the counseling, so he stopped going, but I have kept my relationship with her and call her when needed - thank GOD for her. I thought the porn was over and it's not. He has agreed to take it seriously this time but only time will tell. However, with both of us having a Christian professional we feel we can go to, I have faith. God has kept me here - again - and I feel grief but also hope. Whatever you do, I pray for you, and for me, and for everyone else that has needed to turn to this website.
Allison wrote on June 25th 08 at 10:32AM
I just want you to know that you are not alone. All the feelings are what comes naturally to us. The anger, frustration and basically the good old WHY ME? God is real this I know and I have to get past myself so that he can work it out. Satan has a plan for all of us and wants all marriages to perish. I believe as women of God we have to go out on the battlefield, which is right in our own home. Only the word of God will give us peace. Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard yours hearts, and your minds in Christ Jesus. I believe as long as we do our part God surely will do his. Trust in no man but God. As women we need to make a serious commitment to God and his word FIRST. Our husbands will come in God's time, we just have to trust and believe. Hold on to the word of God. I personally will thank God now for my husbands deliverance from porn. No matter what my natural eyes may see i know and believe in the word of God. God Bless You and Hold on to the Word of God.
stephanie wrote on July 5th 08 at 08:33PM
i completely understand. my husband came clean a year and a half ago. more like, i found out and THEN he came clean. it's been the hardest year and a half of my life and there have been times that i have felt angry and confused and overwhelmed. he's been battling to be free from this addiction, but it's been ROUGH. he saw a counsellor for awhile, but hasn't been in a long time. however, he DOES attend a celebrate recovery class. they have a group for sex addicts and, even though it is hard for him, he is able to communicate and work through the 12 steps towards recovery. here is the best advice i can offer - turn to Jesus. there is no other place. whatever hole your husbands sin has left in your life can only be filled by the sustaining power of Jesus Christ. run, don't walk. keep crying and talking and feeling. don't shut down. turn your heart and your rejection over to him as many times as you need to. try to proccess as much as possible so that the hurt doesn't crush you. there is no easy way to healing. this particular sin in the most painful thing a wife can experience. my heart goes out to you because i KNOW what this feels like. i am so, so, so sorry. i am praying right now that your husband finds a way to pursue Jesus to the point that he stumbles into freedom.
Michelle wrote on July 8th 08 at 11:35PM
I just wanted to tell you thank-you for your support. My husband has been doing really good. I'm just now getting back on track. It has taken me all of four months to finally begin to move forward. He is no longer going to counseling; 1.- because the psycologist couldn't find the root of the problem after several meetings and 2.- he seemed hung up on technicalities. "Well, technially your husband didn't lie to you, he just didn't tell you what he was doing". Jerk. I told my husband that if he felt the doctor was helping, then he should keep going, but I wasn't going back. I don't care about technicalities, I care about repairing my marriage. And, as far as I am concerned, it is still a form of adultry. So, we haven't been back, but things do seem to be improving. Thank-you for this website, unfortunately it is much needed.
stephanie wrote on July 10th 08 at 10:05PM
seriously?! i wouldn't go back either! why argue THOSE details? how about searching out the root of the issue and finding some healing?! you obviously got someone who was ill-equipped to deal with your situation. i am really sorry. however, it's so cool to hear that things seem to be getting a little better. it is SUCH a process and i have realized that my husband will never be "free" from his addictions. they will follow him forever. but he doesn't have to be mastered by them. we have to live AWARE that there is temptation around the corner and keep our hearts on Jesus. there is no other way.
Michelle wrote on July 13th 08 at 02:07AM
Yeah, it's me again. Maybe I should just start a blog instead. I feel like I'm cracking under the stress of everything. "Everything" is a lot of stuff.
In one year (last year), my father had a stroke ( he's fine now), my mother had breast cancer (she just finished chemo, she is fine now) (my folks were divorced over thirty yrs ago) we had our third child, we've lived here for three yrs, but my husband wants to move again (so do I b/c hardly anybody will talk to me in this stupid town), but if we move, it will be our 10 th move in ten yrs. I'm tired.
I learned that one of my husband's brothers goes to strip clubs....WITH HIS NEW WIFE for fun. (She doesn't mind.) This brother is my son's GODPARENT! I lost all respect for him. My husband's other brother will go to strip clubs with his bother, if he can wear his wife down enough until she gives up and says, "fine", plus he has a drinking problem. Of the four men, only one lives right. I can't stand his family anymore.
When my husband and I were dating, we were having sex. (I wanted someone to love me so badly, I was afraid nobody would ever want me.) His mom was suspicious (and sometimes just plain rude and nosy) and put me through hell when we were dating. You know that show, "Everybody Loves Raymond"? The mother-in-law on that show fits my mother-in-law to a T.
I have no friends here, my only friend moved away. My other friend is an hour away. I feel like my life is pathetic right now. I still thank God for my blessings when I pray, but the pain is growing increasingly. It has been suggested to me that I should go to a pastor to seek help, but I'm so ashamed and embarrrased to admit what my husband has done. Plus, when I was younger, I had a fantasy/porn problem too. But, I figured out why it was happening (it would occur when I felt neglected or unloved), and stopped. The stress is just wearing me down. His problem just felt like the straw that is breaking the camel's back. I don't think I can handle anymore stress. I feel very alone.
My brain feels like it is in overload and keeps running over the same things, over and over again. Like a broken record.
"Your father cheated on your mom".
"Your father used to look at porn mags."
"Your father cheated on his second wife".
"Your husband didn't tell you that he had a porn problem for three yrs." Then, you caught him.
Your brother in law goes to strip clubs for fun.
He is your son's Godfather.
Your new sister in law goes with him for fun, and (on a regular basis) dresses like the kind of women that work there. (So, don't want my kids around her.)
Your other brother in law goes to strip clubs and has a drinking problem.
I told all this to my husband today, and told him I'm beginning to get the "all men are pigs" mentality. He didn't say anything except, "I'm sorry".
And, the thing is that, except for the porn, my husband is a good person. He has a good and yet off the wall sense of humor. He provides for his family, he is GREAT with our children, he helps me out, he cares deeply about us, he goes to church and prays to God, he takes our marriage seriously, overall, he is a good person.
Sometimes I feel like I just can't wrap my brain around this!! And, sometimes I just want to quit. I'm worn out. (I also homeschool our children, that is hard to do when there are serious marraige issues.)
You have all helped me out before. Can you help me out again? I'll take any words of encouragment I can get. I'm all by myself with this. I need something. Please?
What is the point in going to church if I'm the only one fighting to live right in my family? (Except for my mom and step-father, they go to church too.)
(Except for the strip clubs)My in laws look like they're having so much more fun! They go out every other weekend (b/c my sis in law gets her kids every other weekend). I usually get a break about once a year (all of our family live in another state). We don't go out, we have Family Nights. Why am I doing this? Why am I picking family nights over going out on the town until all hours of the night?
Maybe I'm losing my mind, who knows? My dad told me recently, "You always pick what's right, not what's easy like everyone else". Why can't the RIGHT path, EVER be the easy one? Can someone tell me that?! Is there SOMETHING in the Bible about that??
I'm so sorry that this is long. I also don't mean to be whining, normally I'm pretty strong, but this has really thrown me off coarse. But, everything is connected. And, I thought my husband was different then them, better then that. I feel like I just want to bang my head against the wall!! I desperately need some sleep. Anyone who is willing to respond, thank-you. THANK-YOU. I pray to God that someone can/will tell me something. And, please pray for me. I need your prayers that I may find my way.
In one year (last year), my father had a stroke ( he's fine now), my mother had breast cancer (she just finished chemo, she is fine now) (my folks were divorced over thirty yrs ago) we had our third child, we've lived here for three yrs, but my husband wants to move again (so do I b/c hardly anybody will talk to me in this stupid town), but if we move, it will be our 10 th move in ten yrs. I'm tired.
I learned that one of my husband's brothers goes to strip clubs....WITH HIS NEW WIFE for fun. (She doesn't mind.) This brother is my son's GODPARENT! I lost all respect for him. My husband's other brother will go to strip clubs with his bother, if he can wear his wife down enough until she gives up and says, "fine", plus he has a drinking problem. Of the four men, only one lives right. I can't stand his family anymore.
When my husband and I were dating, we were having sex. (I wanted someone to love me so badly, I was afraid nobody would ever want me.) His mom was suspicious (and sometimes just plain rude and nosy) and put me through hell when we were dating. You know that show, "Everybody Loves Raymond"? The mother-in-law on that show fits my mother-in-law to a T.
I have no friends here, my only friend moved away. My other friend is an hour away. I feel like my life is pathetic right now. I still thank God for my blessings when I pray, but the pain is growing increasingly. It has been suggested to me that I should go to a pastor to seek help, but I'm so ashamed and embarrrased to admit what my husband has done. Plus, when I was younger, I had a fantasy/porn problem too. But, I figured out why it was happening (it would occur when I felt neglected or unloved), and stopped. The stress is just wearing me down. His problem just felt like the straw that is breaking the camel's back. I don't think I can handle anymore stress. I feel very alone.
My brain feels like it is in overload and keeps running over the same things, over and over again. Like a broken record.
"Your father cheated on your mom".
"Your father used to look at porn mags."
"Your father cheated on his second wife".
"Your husband didn't tell you that he had a porn problem for three yrs." Then, you caught him.
Your brother in law goes to strip clubs for fun.
He is your son's Godfather.
Your new sister in law goes with him for fun, and (on a regular basis) dresses like the kind of women that work there. (So, don't want my kids around her.)
Your other brother in law goes to strip clubs and has a drinking problem.
I told all this to my husband today, and told him I'm beginning to get the "all men are pigs" mentality. He didn't say anything except, "I'm sorry".
And, the thing is that, except for the porn, my husband is a good person. He has a good and yet off the wall sense of humor. He provides for his family, he is GREAT with our children, he helps me out, he cares deeply about us, he goes to church and prays to God, he takes our marriage seriously, overall, he is a good person.
Sometimes I feel like I just can't wrap my brain around this!! And, sometimes I just want to quit. I'm worn out. (I also homeschool our children, that is hard to do when there are serious marraige issues.)
You have all helped me out before. Can you help me out again? I'll take any words of encouragment I can get. I'm all by myself with this. I need something. Please?
What is the point in going to church if I'm the only one fighting to live right in my family? (Except for my mom and step-father, they go to church too.)
(Except for the strip clubs)My in laws look like they're having so much more fun! They go out every other weekend (b/c my sis in law gets her kids every other weekend). I usually get a break about once a year (all of our family live in another state). We don't go out, we have Family Nights. Why am I doing this? Why am I picking family nights over going out on the town until all hours of the night?
Maybe I'm losing my mind, who knows? My dad told me recently, "You always pick what's right, not what's easy like everyone else". Why can't the RIGHT path, EVER be the easy one? Can someone tell me that?! Is there SOMETHING in the Bible about that??
I'm so sorry that this is long. I also don't mean to be whining, normally I'm pretty strong, but this has really thrown me off coarse. But, everything is connected. And, I thought my husband was different then them, better then that. I feel like I just want to bang my head against the wall!! I desperately need some sleep. Anyone who is willing to respond, thank-you. THANK-YOU. I pray to God that someone can/will tell me something. And, please pray for me. I need your prayers that I may find my way.
