I've Asked "Why Porn?" Too

The question “Why Porn” has been asked on this site for the past week. It's an excellent question, really. I know that it's a question I've asked a million times. I've asked myself “why porn” during lots of sleepless nights and anxious days. I've asked my husband, I've asked my friends and support people, and I certainly asked God. I'm sure it's a question that many other wives have asked too. Why porn?

Early on, when my husband was struggling to find sobriety and I was struggling to find answers, my insecurities often got the best of me, and I answered the “why porn” question with things like: my sex drive is too low, I need to lose weight, because I’m just not enough. I came up with countless reasons that his addiction to porn could be about me or my appearance. But as we walked through the process together, through what Zechariah describes as a refining fire, I continued to call on the Lord and seek His answers and His truth.

What I discovered is that the answer to the “why porn” question has a lot more to do with him than it does with me. Porn is really about something so much deeper. It’s about fears, insecurities, pain, and a million other things that develop from a desperation to feel whole. It’s really about things that I didn’t cause or perpetuate.

The idea that the answer to the “why porn” question had nothing to do with me was very difficult for me to accept at first. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if deep down I preferred that it be about me. When, in my head, “why porn” was about me or my appearance, I could control it. And believe me, I like to be in control. Accepting that it wasn’t about me equaled accepting that I couldn’t control the outcome. I’m as powerless over his addiction as he is. I couldn’t make it stop. 

Twelve step groups always say that an addict is powerless over the addiction, and that admitting that is the first step to recovery. I had to admit that I was powerless, too. Thankfully, our God sees, all, knows, and controls all. He is not powerless, and for my husband and I, submitting to Him and surrendering all of our reasons for “why porn” has been one of the greatest things we have ever done. 

I’m praying that today we all have faith to surrender all of our “why porn” questions to the only one who has the answers. 

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