Should wives be Porn Police?
Interesting article I found on the internet from a Jewish perspective. It's an article, an honest opinion and I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it as well.
Should Wives Be Porn Police?
Why women have every right to insist on mental as well as physical fidelity. By Rabbi Boteach
About two years ago I agreed to debate the first openly Jewish Playboy playmate, Lindsey ****, in New York City. My purpose was simple: to uphold the dignity of Jewish women, which is not consistent with taking their clothes off for money. From the beginning, however, it was clear that I had lost the debate. The room was filled with mostly leering men who came armed with the November issue of Playboy, asking for Lindsey's autograph. But what really disappointed me was all the women who came to cheer Lindsey's courage in not being ashamed of her body. What sane woman, who isn't motivated by financial profit, would support the portrayal of women as sport to entertain lecherous men?
Moreover, what wife is misguided enough to allow her husband to read Playboy?
Recently, we've seen the Kobe Bryant sex scandal and the publication of Hillary Clinton's memoir, which regurgitated the Monica Lewinsky story. I believe that these and other incidents are warnings to wives not to be naïve about the dangerous effects pornography-and opportunities for adultery-can have on a marriage. And they must do something about it. While Hillary bore her husband's betrayal with dignity, there is the legitimate question of whether she should have been keeping a far more watchful eye on her husband whose roving ways were well known, especially when he told her that he was spending time with an intern for the purpose of "guiding her life." Shouldn't an alarm have gone off in her head?
The idea of wives "policing" their husbands, of calling men to account for their behavior, might sound antiquated or petty, but I believe it is valid and, indeed, essential. When I've asked wives how they feel about their husbands looking at pornographic material, I've heard an astonishing range of answers. There are those who are quick to assert how "cool" they are with it and even claim to join in the viewing; and there are those who are utterly horrified but feel they have no right to object to their husband's adult behavior. But women must wake up to the fact that they do have a right to nip this behavior in the bud.
Pornography is destructive not only because it is insulting to one's wife, but because it takes one's erotic focus away from one's spouse. In this respect, the principal harm it inflicts is not radically different from adultery. When infidelity occurs, it destroys the marriage not only by causing hurt and humiliation, but by starving the marriage of attention, affection, and effort. The hurt that a husband causes his wife by being unfaithful is not, in itself, the deal-breaker in their marriage. The wives whom I have counseled through a husband's infidelity are prepared to forgive him if they love him. The real deal-breaker is the fact that the wife is no longer the focal point of his sexual and romantic energies. When husbands and wives are not wholly focused on one another as the means of finding erotic excitement, they begin to drift apart. Initially, men believe that a little peek at another woman's nudity is a harmless means of generating some excitement and certainly nothing as significant as an actual act of infidelity. But these "harmless" leers are the first symptoms of neglect.
There are so many ways in which pornography undermines healthy relationships. Excessive exposure to a variety of nude, female bodies contributes to the penchant for men to think about other women while making love to their wives. Indeed, 84 percent of men admit to doing just that (and they're dumb enough to believe that their wives don't notice). We can even go so far as to say that once you bring another woman into your bed, even if only mentally, you are practicing a form of mental infidelity and merely using your wife's body for friction. I call it mental decapitation. The Torah, which is very concerned with fostering the mental and emotional intimacy that physical intimacy is meant to promote, actually calls men to task by deeming it a prohibition for a man to fantasize about other women while in bed with his wife.
Unfortunately, as I discovered at the debate, women today are so brainwashed into being manly and tough that few will admit to being pained at the notion that their significant other would be dreaming of another woman during their intimate moments. But fantasizing about another woman is a degrading act. It indicates that one's wife is not worthy or thrilling enough on her own. Most men tell me that it is unrealistic not to sometimes think about other women during sex with one's wife. Perhaps that is so. But there is no excuse not to resist it.
Furthermore, pornography desensitizes men to the female body. Instead of being automatically drawn to a woman as he should be, today's man has seen too much to ever lose himself completely upon being exposed to a woman's nakedness. The nature of erotic attraction, which should bring men and women together, has been utterly compromised, and neither sex is above evaluating the other according to the most stringent criteria. This impairs our ability to build deep relationships. Sexual intimacy is meant to bring a couple together on emotional and mental levels. Once a man feels removed enough to judge his wife by comparing her with other women, he loses some of his excitement for her and mistakenly believes that a more perfectly formed woman would provide him with the physical titillation that he craves.
The irony lies in the fact that a real woman is infinitely more exciting than the manufactured images that attract the consumers of pornography. Rather than being a one-dimensional experience, interacting and allowing oneself to be aroused by a live partner--despite her apparent physical flaws--is ever-changing and therefore consistently exciting. Ultimately then, pornography deadens a man's attraction for his partner, which in turn deadens his ability to have healthy and sustainable passionate relationships.
The truly unfortunate element in the prevalence of pornography today is actually the acceptance that so many women silently or overtly provide by refusing to demand that their husbands (or serious boyfriends) turn off the computer and turn them on instead! Once upon a time, women were seen as and treated as man's superior. Today, women have leapt off of their pedestal to say that they are equal to men. When we hear of women accompanying their partners to strip clubs, we see why men no longer feel they have to make themselves worthy of such a sidekick. You can't convince me that women are actually enjoying the array of bras and G-strings while swigging back beers with the boys.
In her efforts to get closer to man, woman has lost her own uniquely feminine attributes, at a great cost to both genders. What happened to being a gentleman? Why isn't the party line that a man doesn't look at another woman because he doesn't need to and has too much respect for his wife to ever degrade her by making such a comparison? Why not? Simply put, because women today no longer require their men to be gentlemen.
When I've asked women about why they don't insist that their husbands turn off the cable smut or throw out the dirty magazines, the answers I receive fall resoundingly into two basic categories. The first is that many women believe that they have no right to determine what their husbands see or, especially, what they think. The second is a desire not to appear insecure, petty, or nagging. Yet it's not petty to demand that your husband be with you and you alone when you are in bed together. It's not nagging to show your hurt, your vulnerability.
How far we have sunk in our expectations of marriage and commitment! Once upon a time it was not politically incorrect to think of a husband and wife as belonging to one another. Today we are conditioned to think that independence is the be-all-and-end-all, and to be possessive is seen as an a priori sign of insecurity. Husbands and wives see each other as independent creatures who happened to be joined by the institution of marriage.
The staggering divorce rate is a symptom of this unfortunate conditioning. It's easy to sever a bond that wasn't that strong in the first place. But if you belong to one another, then you have a right to make demands of exclusivity in thought, speech, and action and to freely express that an action or behavior hurts you and to expect that your spouse, whose number-one concern is your happiness, to amend the hurtful behavior. When two people belong to one another, there is nothing they won't do to protect that bond.
In Judaism we are taught that everything belongs to G-d. It is not degrading to be so possessed and, in fact, the kippah [head covering] worn by men is a reminder and a symbol of that bond. Thus G-d makes demands upon us and we, in our attachment to Him, ask for what we need. Our intimate relationships reflect this divine relationship. We should never hesitate to insist that our needs be met by our husband or wife. Remember, you are not only married in body, but also in mind, heart and soul.
Wives have a right, indeed an obligation, to police their husbands from going into the gutter to get excitement. Miss November and her fellow playmates are women like all others. One day they'll marry and they'll be just as hurt and insulted if their husbands turn to strangers for excitement.
*an added FYI- just because I posted this article does not mean that I agree with everything said or that this author represents the thoughts or beliefs of this ministry. I did however find his perspective interesting and most of it in line with my thoughts.
Craig Gross @ XXXchurch Headquarters
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I feel that women should look to God to change that man's heart. If your husband stops looking at porn in front of you, because you are policing what he does, it doesn't mean that he is behaving while you are not there. Pornography is a "Spiritual Problem". No women can make a man stop looking at porn. Only God can work on the man's heart, to where even when he is alone he can resist the temptation. Women, let's pray for GOD to work on our Husband's hearts and let's stop trying to CONTROL them. Control just makes them more upset and angry at you and will drive them into it more, especially in their lone time. One more thing, NEVER condone what he is doing. Let him know that it hurts you and how it is affecting your marriage. Open up and communicate to him. If he does not listen, then write him a heartfelt letter and pray that God will speak to him through it. ;o)
Pamela,
I agree with you. This is exactly what we recommend at P4P when we counsel women. However, I still think that the Rabbi makes some excellent observations overall. ;)
Thank you for sharing your heart!
-Michelle
hello,
I don't know where to do this and maybe guys aren't "allowed" in this section of the site, but how do I tell my wife about my problem? I need to tell her because she thinks I stopped after we got married (over a year ago) and I resumed addiction after about three months. The problem is, marriage (other than this one crippling secret) just keeps getting better and better. I don't want to wreck things and am worried all of her trust in me will be lost... I am so ashamed and need to take drastic steps to clean myself out and get truly close to my dear wife who doesn't even know about my betrayal... sorry that this is off topic... I just need to hear what women have to say about this (even though I am ashamed to admit even online that I participate in the porn machine)
nate
@Nathe,
Thank you for coming here and pouring out your heart. God bless you. I want to encourage you to do the right thing. Our integrity should not depend on how someone else is going to respond or react. You know you have to come clean and I do suggest that you do this with some guidance. Are you and your wife in a local church? Your pastor should be a starting point (in my opinion) and perhaps you and your wife can meet together in his office.
There is not a "light" way to do this. She is going to be deeply wounded. This is just what you have called it; a betrayal. However; the fact that you want to do the right thing, the fact that you know this cannot go on like this is encouraging to me. I pray you will seek the face of Jesus to maintain this courage and do the right thing. There is an online community for men that might really be a blessing to you in this season. It is called Higher-Calling and can be found at www.higher-calling.com I pray you will seek counsel and accountability and deal with this before it takes you and your marriage out.
God is not going to leave you. He will bless your obedience.
-Michelle
thank you so much Michelle. I don't know how to express how incredible and necessary that amazingly fast response was, but that was definitely the Lord working... (instant gratification is usually unhealthy for me to indulge in, but this is a different scenario) We are quite involved with a church and I am going to make a call tomorrow... I'm so scared.
Thank you again (I am almost weeping)
love in the Lord,
nate
@Nate,
You are so welcome. It is the Lord because I am rarely on the site this late! I want to remind you that the Lord does not give you a spirit of fear BUT a spirit of MIGHT! You can grab this devil by its horns and put it to death once and for all! I know you can do it! Your wife is most likely going to be hurt, she might be angry, she might express a lot of feelings but the bottom line is that a godly woman will (with God's grace) come to a place of forgiveness and willingness to walk with GOD (and you) through this. I am going to be praying for you and your wife in the coming days. You can give her my name and my email address michelle@xxxchurch.com as well as the website that I co-founded for women like her and myself. www.PartnersForPurity.com We will support and encourage her as she prays through this with you.
Lastly- you might want to check out Brian and Darcy's latest blog. Brian lists some things that it sounds like the enemy has already whispered in your ear. It will help you to know you are not alone. Tell the enemy to shut up...because YOU are choosing GOD! You are a mighty warrior and you need to let your bride know that as painful as it is to come clean- SHE IS WORTH fighting for and together you are stronger!!
I'm sorry to be cluttering up your blog, but couldn't leave your last post without at least saying thank you one more time and God bless. Hopefully (that feels so weird to say) you will be hearing from my wife sometime soon.
nate
@Nathe,
I have been where you are, I have lived that life of fear of the unknown...I have lived a life of "Future Tripping" where I look to the future and I "Make up" all the bad things that are going to happen to me, so I do nothing...I sat paralyzed until I was busted.
The Bible says "the Truth will set you free" and it is so very true. Living a life of deceit is the loneliest life you can lead...acting as one person and living the life of another left me with no self-esteem, no friends, no church and ultimately with no family. All the things I feared would come true if I confessed came true because I did not confess.
The path you are on will lead to destruction in your life and your choice is, do you face it now or wait until it happens and you have no control over how it unfolds.
You serve an awesome God who loves you and forgives you. We here at xxxchurch believe in you and love you as a brother who has struggles...struggles like we all do...you have to trust in God.
You need to come clean and tell the truth but you need to do this in a controlled environment. Is the church you attend a safe place to talk about your issues? (Not all churches are a safe place to talk about sexual addiction).
If you do not feel safe talking with your church you can find counselors who deal with sexual addiction and go talk with them.
You need to find a place you can begin your walk in the Truth. Do not disclose this to your wife without first seeking help, but get it done so you can begin to live again.
satan has told me many lies in this, he told me I would lose everything if I came clean and spoke the truth...it was a lie. Having my family back is beyond words but being the man that God created me to be is the greatest gift of all. When I lost everything, I found everything.
Understand this Nathe; you must separate your actions from who you are. You are a great man of God...your actions may have been horrible in the past, but that is not who God created. God created a wonderful human being, a kind hearted, and loving man...that man is you...now go find the help and begin to live the life God intended for you.
You must now trust in God...believe in His healing power and get out of the boat...
“And Peter answered Him, ‘Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.’ He said, ‘Come!’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, and he came toward Jesus†(Matthew 14:28-29 AMP).
With so much love in our hearts for you,
Steve and Ann G
I get this a lot on the Men's Blog, men who ask their wives to be their accountability partner. I think it is an escape, an easy out for men. Then I don't have to go tell other men the truth and I can continue to live the lie.
As Pamela points out a wife should let her husband know the hurt and the pain, she should seek God and pray for her husband. She should also be prepared to do whatever is necessary to protect herself and her children.
I believe a man who is honest about recovery and is honest about putting his life back together will do whatever it takes and that includes admitting to another man his sins and asking that man to hold him accountable.
A wife has a right, but not an obligation to "check up" on her husband. Taking my cell phone and looking through it is her right. Expecting me to have accountability software on my computer is her right. But it is my job and my obligation to honor her and to go beyond what she would ask me to do...because it is my goal to rebuild that trust again. I broke the trust, not her!
I believe a godly wife supports her husband through this but she does not become his mommy. Enough is enough and a man must take responsibility for his own actions.
God bless you all,
Steve G
I don't know what to do. My husband has been talking to other women online and sending and receiving pictures that should NOT be sent or received by a married man! This has been happening since we were engaged although I didn't find out about it for the first time until after we married. I have discovered this five distinct times in our 5 year marriage and every time I find this stuff, he insistst that he'll change. We always talk about counseling but something always comes up (like we moved across the country and this time he's about to deploy to Iraq for a year). NOTHING EVER CHANGES!! He says he loves me and it has nothing to do with me... it's his issue. He says he wants to change.
I have a son and a daughter and I don't want them to see their mom as a doormat, but I don't want to leave. I just want him to change and I don't see that happening.
So, it seems like I have two options: leave him or imply that he can continue this behavior and I'll continue to hide it from our family and friends. I'm not thrilled with either option.
Dear Soldier Spouse,
I am so proud of you that you have contacted this site. It took courage to reach out and find somewhere to start getting help.
This is my first time on this site. I came because I just discovered that my husband of 23 years was using porn again. I also discovered on the same weekend that my 3 teenage sons are also struggling with porn. Two of them are currently sober. I am sharing this background with you to say this is where you will be in 10+ years if you don’t get help. I have known of my husband addition for at least 15 years. We started with a recovery group about 5 years ago, but just like you, for situational reasons did not continue. We got away from the recovery process and fell back into our “normal†life. He to his porn, me to my denial. We drifted hopelessly apart worse than before.
This past weekend, with all of the discoveries I stated earlier woke me up from my stupor of denial. I’m not only hurt, but mad. I’m mad enough to finally say “NO MORE.†I’m taking matters into my hands, because I have the most to loose. A marriage, 3 sons and a young daughter who knows nothing about the situation, but is affected by her Dad’s and brothers’ demeaning attitude regarding women.
These are the steps I learned in the past but did not take them because of my fear of separation and others finding out. Now I am. I started this process on Monday.
• Fall on you knees before God and submit yourself to His word and ways. He will give you the direction and open doors for recovery.
• Talk to a trusted friend who can give you honest advice and support. Someone who will speak the truth in love, hold your hand and maybe watch the kids while you are in counseling.
• If you haven’t install X3 Watch on your computers, do so. Have your pastor or another trusted male be the recipient of the notice. He needs to be accountable to another man not you.
• Get counseling. Even if he won’t. If you feel you can trust your pastor or his wife, ask them for references to counselors. They should know of one in your area that works with addictions. If not go through your insurance and phone interview counselors to make sure they have your world view.
• Get connected to a support group. There is a nationwide recovery group called Celebrate Recovery, (celebraterecovery.com). This is the one we used 5 years ago. They have support for many addictions and sometimes betrayal groups for spouses.
My husband and I are born again believers and home school our children. No one is exempt from this addiction! But even more so, everyone who turns to God and submits to His word will receive His love and healing.
Thank you for allowing me to share my heart. It is part of my recovery.
Home School Mom
Hi Soldier Spouse and Home School Mom,
Glad to see that you have made it to the right place for your problems. However, just installing an accounting software on your partner's computers is sometimes not enough. You may have to use a filter to block the porn. Try "K9". Its good, you can adjust the filtering levels, depending on what you think is an acceptable limit.
Hoping for the best,
Peter
Thanks. My problem is that he accesses most of this AWAY from our home computers, so the X3 and porn filters have done SQUAT.
Also, porn filters won't work for us since it's not porn sites that are the real downfall in my situation... it's personal ads on craigslist and other dating websites that he accesses and then contacts these women by email.
@ Soldier Spouse,
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you have suffered this betrayal. I don't know where your husband is at with all of this right now... if he is willing to check out the counseling program that Pure Life offers- it sounds like his sin is escalating fast into interactions with others now... Pure Life has a live in program for men who are struggling with sexual sin. They also offer an "at home" counseling program. You can check them out on the web at www.PureLifeMinistries.org
God bless you, I will be praying for you!
Thanks for the advise about the filters and info about Pure Life ministries.
I agee 100% with the porn policy option as wives. If someone is opening up thier sexuality with you ,promised before God, family, and friends to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others; and is the person you choose to spend your life with and share responsibilities of home, financial obligations, and raise children with, then by all means it is her right and responsibility to expect respect in all things that affect her spirit and well being.
Porn use crushes a woman's spirit and does in no way honor her in anyway and is not forsaking all others. It is using others for sexual pleasure and arousal outside of the marrital realm. It sends a message to your wife that she does not matter or that you do not find her worthy of all things sexually pleasing in your heart or eyes. It is her right as your wife to show you the mistakes you are making and demand a correction of your behavior and poor choices. Porn tells her she is not good enough. So if you choose to self stimulate in this way you are inviting in a 3rd party to your sexual world via an image of another persons body into your private sexual expression that is to be kept holy and sacred for your marriage. It's infidelity pure and simple and you choose it and give excuses of men being wired differently, etc. You try to shift the blame to her and twist it to justify in your own mind that you are doing it because of her actions or behavior. When in reality you are doing it because of your own wants not needs. Needing another woman or images of sex of other people is not a need. It's a chosen want or desire. You should save that sexual energy and want to desire and protect that in your primary relationship with your wife. If you don't you are giving yourself permission to wander and act as you see fit selfishly without reguard for her well being, feelings, or needs. It's a human matter of choice and lack of character and reasoning skills within your own mind. You gentlemen have to decide what personal values, character traits, and spiritual values you are willing to compromise in exchange for a sexual momentary thrill. You either choose all things that benefit your marriage and relationship in a posative manner or not. In the end it is between you and God alone, but your wife being your wife has a God given right to state her stance on your sexual purity and set limits of no porn and hold you accountable for those boundaries should she feel they are being compromised in a negative way.
Michelle,
I just found out about an hour ago that my husband has been struggling with porn for over ten years. We have only been married six months. I went to a PORN AND PASTRIES event today in NYC that you were having, and when I came home to tell him about, we eventually starting having a conversation I never expected. I dont know what to do or how to go about this. He cried so much today and i know he doesnt want to be doing this. How do I help my husband? I am angry at him to an extent.. I guess going to the event today really prepared my heart .. Ehhhhh... well I guess thats all. Hope you can get back to me, I know you are busy. God Bless.