Spouses

You are not alone. We know your pain and we want to walk with you through it all. We understand how difficult and heavy it can be for you. As the wife or couple who is dealing with pornography head on, multiple issues have come to the forefront of your life. Below you will find some helpful resources to help you process and heal as a wife or couple.

WIVES

As a wife who is dealing with a loved one’s porn problem you take on a great deal. The pain and incredible sense of betrayal are hard to get through. The dirty little secret is hard to overcome but not impossible. XXXchurch desires spouses to know healing is possible for you and your family. It's not your fault. Recovery can happen, marriages can be saved and families can come together. You may literally be going through hell as the wife or former wife of a man who has chosen to be involved in pornography. We are all in this together. This section of the site is for you as you heal, pray, work through, comprehend and move on. Nothing is impossible and we are here to help.

HUSBANDS

Divorced or Going Through Hell?

You are loved by the God more than your husband could ever love you. You may be taking some of the blame, all of it or none of it. You may be divorced or simply going through hell in your marriage. You may feel grief or anger. You may feel alone. You may be ready to move on with your life. But there is one thing you must do no matter what point you are at: heal. God desires to heal your heart.

Your story is unique and God would like to enter in to and rescue you. The reality is that healing is a process that may never end. It will not happen overnight or when you want it to. Reaching the destinati on of "healed" is not the point. The point is letting go and letting God in to heal every possible place that you have been broken.

I Am Married to A Sex Addict
“I have been where you are” - Debbie Laaser (excerpt from X3 Guide for Spouses)

"As a spouse of a man who struggles with sexual addiction, I understand how you may be feeling as you pick up this workbook. The best way to describe how I felt five years ago was conflicted. Part of my heart felt tremendous anger towards my husband while the other felt compassion for him. I felt hopeful and hopeless at the same time. There was disbelief that my spouse had betrayed me in this way but also a profound sense of relief that I wasn't crazy, that there really was something wrong. I was confused and hungry for answers. The "why" of it all haunted me and then there was the overwhelming pain of all the losses.
   
"You see, the journey is not about finding a way to convince your spouse to love and cherish you; it's not about making your spouse become faithful and true. The journey is about finding the freedom to live in the grace and truth of God--no matter what choices your spouse makes. It's about being transformed into the woman or man God has always intended you to be for your good and His glory. We have no power over the desires and choices of others, but we can submit ourselves--our desires and choices--to the Faithful One. In Him, we will always have hope, for He has already taken the j ourney... and made it."

-Debbie Laaser is the wife of Dr. Mark Laaser, author of the X3 Recovery Workbook for Men. Debbie and Mark have been on the journey together for over fifteen years. » Get the X3 Spouses Recovery Workbook

Talk
Your first priority is to find someone to talk with like a close friend, pastor or family member. As you walk toward forgiveness, you need to process things aloud. Talk things out. You will find there is healing in getting everything inside of you out through talking with someone you trust.

Seek
If you are not walking closely with God right now, we encourage you to instill this in your life. Seek him with all your heart. Your relationship with God is your lifeline. God will give you strength to love your spouse unconditionally, with the love of Jesus.

Love
Show some love. Love may be the last thing you feel like showing your spouse right now. You are not to be overshadowed with someone's porn problem. Adopt a "tough love" approach with your spouse. Set clear boundaries for behavior and consequences for breaking them.

Get
XXXchurch's free accountability software X3watch on your computer. Be up front with your spouse that this software is on the household computer. It’s simple and completely free. This software monitors what is accessed online and sends a report of any questionable websites to two email addresses of choice. Download it at www.x3watch.com

Confront
Intervention in some cases your spouse may be unwilling to confront his dirty little secret. With prayer and guidance from friends, family and pastoral care we suggest an intervention. An intervention is a large step and should be undertaken with the highest in care and love.

Do Not
Become angry. This does not solv e problems, only elevates them. Most likely your reaction to the problem will be anger and complete frustration. We encourage you to take a step back and let your anger find another outlet other than your spouse. Pray, call a friend, talk to your pastor. You will not be perfect at this but you must actively move away from anger.

The Signs of Sex Addiction
•Loss of control. Doing more than you intended or wanted.
•Compulsive behavior. A pattern of out-of-control behavior over time.
•Efforts to stop. Repeated attempts to stop the behavior which fail.
•Loss of time. Significant amounts of time lost seeking, doing and/or recovering from the behavior.
•Preoccupation. Obsessing about the behavior or ritual.
•Inability to fulfill obligations. The acting out behavior interferes with work, school, family and/or friends.
•Continuation despite consequences. Unable to stop the behavior, despite its self-destructive nature and despite the potential negative consequences.
•Escalation. Need to make the behavior more intense, more frequent or more risky to get the same 'high.'
•Losses. Giving up hobbies, family, friends, and/or work in order to act out.
•Withdrawal. When you try to stop the behavior it causes distress, anxiety, restlessness, irritability, or physical discomfort. Many people report feeling depressed

COUPLES

This section is for those of you who have chosen to fight as pornography has crept into your marriage. We know that the struggle as a couple is incredibly tough and at times seems impossible but at XXXchurch we hold to the fact that with God all things are possible. We admire your courage to address these issues together. God will honor your commitments as you fight through this struggle as a couple. Times may be tough but God will work to bring you both closer through this pursuit. As a couple you may be at many different points in the process of tackling these issues. Below you will find some steps to work through as a couple.

There are thousands of situations for couples who are facing the issue of pornography. Whether as a couple you have an unhealthy habit of viewing porn together, are reconciling a relationship after a split up, or are dealing with a first time confession from a spouse - you are not alone. We are here to help whatever you are facing in your relationship.

Talk
It is time to talk it out. The most common slip up that happens in a marriage is miscommunication and non-communciation. If you are holding it in, then it is time to get it out. If you have miscommunicated, it is time to get it right. Set up time in which you and your spouse can talk without interruptions - turn off the mobile phones, get a babysitter, turn the TV off, stop the chores and talk. You have to be fully present when this happens or you will continue the pattern of miscommunication/non-communciation.

Seek Counsel
Both independently and as a couple you need to get with an outside source that you trust to talk about your specific situation. Their are thousands of scenarios in which will make this vary based on your situation. Such as it not being a good idea to seek counsel together as a couple or possibly you or your spouse may be on a completely  different page and refuses to seek outside counsel on your situation. Seeking counsel may take form as talking with a pastor, mentor, close friend or a professional counselor.

Love
Till death till we part, right? As a couple you must move toward loving each other through this fight. The easiest and sometimes worst reaction or continued attitude toward each other is anger. The opposite of anger is love. The display of this love does not have to be all hallmark style with cute sayings and flowers, but it is a consistent attitude of care, compassion and tough love. As a couple a commitment to move away from bad attitudes and anger, and move toward love, must be made.

Plan
Sit down and write out a plan. All to often we say we are going to change or do something differently but we never stick to it. Write out a plan to tackle the issue of pornography as a couple and both sign. You are a team and each person must make commitments to handle their portion of the fight. Yes, usually it one party that has to make the first commitment but without a plan to follow through with this commitment it will not happen.

Accountability
As a couple you need to be held accountable to the commitments and fight you are undertaking. As individuals you both need to be held accountable by someone you trust such as a close friend, mentor or pastor. Get X3watch, free accountability software installed on all your computer at the house and have the reports sent to someone you both trust. Download it at www.x3watch.com