My Fight

My first sexual encounter was probably with a girl in my class when I was 7, I didn't really know why we were doing it, or what it really was. -- Thankfully we weren't having sex.

I guess this kinda set the stage because at about age 9 I decided to visit *a website* on my dad's computer. The feeling was sensational but I was confused about it.

I didn't have any contact with sexual impurity until two years later when I figured out how to masturbate. I started looking at porn and it became such a problem that I only needed the smallest excuse to masturbate. We had dial up Internet so anytime the net was connected I would look at porn and masturbate.

Two years later I was still stuck deep in porn when I got my laptop. We now had broadband so I could look at porn whenever I wanted.

I was always living in fear of being caught, anytime my name would be called I thought, "This is it", but it would only be something like getting called to dinner. One day my fears came to life; I was alone with my laptop with the door closed * you can guess what I was doing* when my brother walked in. Thankfully he didn't tell our parents because he had struggled with porn and thought I deserved a second chance.

So I was put on a sort of parole. he would check my internet history every now and then but he didn't find anything because for a long while after that I didn't dare look at porn.
A few months after I'd been caught my brother no longer checked my internet history and I began to slip back into my old routine. A year later (age 14) porn had a firm grip on me again and I was looking at porn and masturbating at least once a week. Each time feeling like crap afterwards.
A breakthrough came when I read Every Young Mans Battle. I didn't look at porn or masturbate for 3 weeks! I felt on top of the world and thought that maybe I was rid of my addiction, but I soon came crashing down. I lasted a week after that, less than a week the next time.
I'm always thinking how bad porn is and how it consumes you etc. but when I'm sitting at the computer I don't forget that It just all seems to have no effect like "Porn is bad!" but "So what"...
I installed safeyes on my laptop and thought I was finally free...but there are 3 other computers in the house and with my laptop now not working I'm always using my brothers computer which has no filter. Needless to say I've failed many times...And it's been getting worse; I was lasting a week without porn, then a few days, but recently I've been looking at porn every day.
I'm falling out with God, I feel like I can't face the world - especially the girls whom I regard as sisters. I've been told by one of them I'm such a great christian and I hate it that I'm letting them down I just want to get rid of this stupid addiction (I could use much stronger words than stupid to describe porn)
I go to a Christian school and it's unbelievable the amount of rubbish I hear from my classmates is unbelievable, making finding an accountability partner very hard.

I met the guys from The Fight and Craig Gross a while ago at Easterfest. They did some talks and through that I now have two accountability partners. Have some accountability in my life has been a great leap towards freedom. If you're struggling with porn get some accountability!

Thanks for listening..