My struggles

I grew up in the church, I have helped out in the church, I was baptized, I am spirit-filled, but there is one sin that still has a grip on me. For the past ten years of my life I have been addicted to porn and sexual sins. I have masturbated since I was 12 years old and look at porn soft core and hardcore since I was eight years old. When I was eight I was exposed to the world of Pornography by one of my cousins. This was the beginning to this addiction. But not only did this addiction just pervert the way I looked at a man but this also affected me in other ways too. This started a life of lying and deceit. I would have to lie about what I was doing.
When I was nine years old one of my older cousins sexually abused me. He was just playing out one of his fantasies that he had because of his addiction to pornography. He never meant to hurt me but he did. I was also introduced to masturbation but I really didn’t start doing that until I was twelve. I held this all inside. None of my parents, family members, or friends knew how much of a struggle this was. It would make my flesh feel good but my spirit so sick. Me and my cousin that is six months older than me would experiment with each other sexually. It makes me sick to think about it. At least nothing ever happened. Its not my parents fault for not telling me about it. It was just too late when they did. I was already in over my head.
When I was 15 years old I was already looking at hardcore pictures of men. I would use the internet as my lover. I would find pictures of men and fantasize that they loved me and that they accepted me. I would fantasize for hours because porn had twisted my view of my beauty. I was never skinny like the girls on the computer screen. I finally confessed what I was doing to my small group leader but I never had real accountability for it. I lived a double life. I was porn free and masturbation free for about 9 months then my dad died. At that time I had a good girl friend that would help me. But that soon turned perverted too. She had her own baggage and we ended up looking at porn together. We would expeirement with all kinds of things and the relationship end with some homosexual actions taking place. This has held me captive long enough. If I want to see God I must be pure in heart. I can remember everything that was perverted and not of God. When I try to quit those memories bring me to my knees. You don’t forget. But God can bring you out of it and help you move on.
My name is Heather and I need God’s Grace and God’s Forgiveness, and God’s strength to beat this addiction. I will not beat this unless God is there when the temptation arises.