When it comes to pornography and sexual addiction, secrecy is often the most dangerous part of the struggle. The hiding, the rationalizing, the minimizing—these behaviors don’t just protect the addiction; they strangle intimacy. In our work with couples, and in our book Building True Intimacy, my wife, Joanna, and I describe something we call the Intimacy Pyramid.
At its base is honesty. Without honesty, nothing else can stand.
I remember vividly the years I thought secrecy was helping. I told myself that protecting Joanna from the truth was actually protecting our marriage. I thought if I could just manage the problem on my own, I could avoid the fallout. What I didn’t realize was that the very act of hiding was destroying us more than the behaviors themselves. When Joanna finally uncovered what was really happening, her words cut me to the core: “It wasn’t just what you did; it’s that I didn’t know who you were.” For her, the greatest wound wasn’t only betrayal—it was deception.
Honesty became nonnegotiable. And it was the hardest work I’ve ever done.
One of our clients, Chris, described a similar turning point. For years, he told his wife, “You just need to trust me.” But the words were empty because his actions didn’t line up. Only when he began practicing daily honesty—telling the truth about urges, acknowledging failures in real time, admitting where he was still weak—did things begin to shift.
His wife told us later, “I don’t trust him because he says he’s trustworthy. I trust him because he tells me the truth, even when it’s hard.”
This is why honesty is the foundation of the Intimacy Pyramid. Without it, you can’t have safety, trust, vulnerability, or intimacy. With it, you at least have the raw materials to begin rebuilding. Honesty creates reality. It allows both partners to know what’s actually true. It creates possibility because once the lies stop, real growth can begin. And honesty creates safety, even when it stings, because stability is always better than confusion.
Research backs this up.
Studies in addiction recovery show that people who engage in regular accountability and disclosure have significantly lower relapse rates than those who try to go it alone (Carnes, 2012). Neuroscience also confirms that when a betrayed partner receives consistent, truthful disclosures, the brain’s threat response begins to calm. The amygdala, which is on high alert after betrayal, needs repeated honest signals to begin lowering its defenses (Coan & Sbarra, 2015). In marriage research, John Gottman found that couples who practice ongoing truth-telling—even about uncomfortable realities—report higher long-term satisfaction than those who avoid conflict or sugarcoat reality (Gottman, 2011).
Of course, honesty is not the same thing as reckless oversharing.
It has to be offered in the right context and with wisdom. But more often than not, the couples we work with are not in danger of oversharing—they are in danger of continuing to hide.
So how does someone begin practicing honesty?
For many men, it starts with daily check-ins. This doesn’t mean dumping every fleeting thought onto your partner, but it does mean being upfront about emotional states, temptations, and struggles rather than concealing them. Others find help in accountability tools—journals, apps, or group settings where honesty can be practiced in safe spaces. Above all, it means refusing to let secrets fester. Confess quickly. Don’t give deception a foothold.
For the betrayed partner, honesty is equally important, though often painful. I’ve lost count of how many wives have told us, “I’d rather face the truth than live in lies.” Joanna puts it this way: “Honesty may hurt, but dishonesty destroys.”
The truth is always disruptive, but it’s also always redemptive.
As couples begin to live this out, they discover that honesty is less about a one-time disclosure and more about a lifelong habit. Each act of truth-telling becomes another brick in the rebuilding of intimacy. Each risk of honesty becomes another chance to show, I am choosing reality over illusion, connection over control.
If you and your spouse are in a place where you’ve begun to rebuild this foundation, I want to invite you into something new. Joanna and I are hosting the very first Renewing Us Couples Retreat, designed for couples in later stages of recovery who have already rebuilt a measure of safety and trust. This event is not about surviving the crisis—it’s about celebrating the strength you’ve cultivated and connecting with other inspiring couples who are walking the same path.
Too often, couples in recovery only gather around pain.
This retreat is about joy, hope, and the shared courage of rebuilding. So, if honesty was the first stone you laid, this retreat is your chance to build higher together. Come join us and discover that intimacy rebuilt is intimacy worth celebrating.