I’ve been blessed with an amazing, growing family. My wife and I have a toddler who is almost two (going on 22!) and she is amazing. We have another daughter on the way, as my wife is starting her third trimester of pregnancy. As I come up on my second fathers day as a dad, I can reflect on the profound impact fatherhood has had on me in my own recovery journey. More than anything it has helped me see what I should have always known – life is not all about me and what I want. That’s the beauty and challenge of being a dad.
Before I got married and became a father, I can honestly say most of my life was about me and my desires. And to be truthful, I was quite afraid my life would be worse when it wasn’t all about me. For years I was scared to know what life would look like without me being number one all the time and I could hardly imagine life without regular porn use. I think like a lot of men, I believed the lie that living only for yourself is the best life. However, nothing could be farther from the truth.
I can say without hesitation that my life is far more fulfilling now, not only because I have the joy of being a husband and father, but because I find a great deal of meaning in taking care of my family. Yes, it requires a lot of sacrifice and dying to myself every day. I do have less “me time.” However, I enjoy making sacrifices for my family whether they be big or small. Of course, I’m not perfect and I still make selfish choices at times. The important thing is not to allow myself to stay in that self absorbed mindset.
If you are looking for a model on this, look no further than Christ himself, who told his closest followers that he didn’t come to be served, but to serve others and give his life as a ransom for many.¹ Most of us won’t be asked to die in place of our loved ones (Jesus took care of that on the cross); but surely we can die to ourselves a little, no? Like Jesus, we can serve and love our families and others, but we will need God’s help. Don’t be afraid to ask him!
For each of us, loving our families might look different. For those of us who are dads it might mean putting down our phones or shutting off the TV when we get home from work and engaging with our kids. Or giving your wife a foot rub – without expecting anything in return. It doesn’t always have to be big or dramatic. I find each time I put my own desires aside for the sake of my family, it has slowly helped me become a little less selfish.
For guys who are still single or not dads yet, you are not off the hook. Now is the time to learn how to start serving others. It can look like helping at a local soup kitchen or babysitting for that couple that has not had a date night in years. Or maybe even just doing the dirty dishes for your messy roommate. Anything you can do to put others first will help prepare your heart for the day you become a husband and father.
I encourage you to keep finding ways to serve your family and others and make that part of your recovery plan. Joining a group of like minded men who are looking to make changes to their lives as well, such as a Live Free Small group, can be a great first step. Or doing the X3 pure workshop is a great way to think more deeply about your recovery, as well as to learn tools and resources to help you work through a sexual addiction. (I am currently working on X3 pure for the second time and I highly recommend it.)
For all the dads out there, keep showing up for your families and being present. It’s the best gift you can give them this Fathers Day.
¹Matthew 10:28, Mark 10:45 New International Version