As we step into a new year, many people are looking for fresh starts and new beginnings. They set resolutions, create goals, and commit to making changes in areas where they’ve struggled. Consequently, for those struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors, the New Year often brings a renewed determination to “finally get this thing under control.”
But what if the problem isn’t a lack of willpower or determination? What if the real issue is that you’ve been looking at the problem through the wrong lens entirely?
The truth is this year offers you more than just another chance to try harder.
It gives you an opportunity to reframe the way you look at old problems and adopt new perspectives that might actually lead to lasting change rather than another cycle of failure and shame.
Understand that if you struggle with pornography or compulsive sexual behavior, there’s a good chance you’ve internalized a particular narrative about what drives your actions. The cultural assumption (and often the one we tell ourselves) is that these behaviors are fundamentally about meeting sexual needs. Therefore you may see your porn use as evidence of an out-of-control sex drive, an inability to manage a hyper-active libido, or a failure to exercise self-discipline when it comes to your sexual urges.
Admittedly, this framing seems logical on the surface.
After all, your behavior is sexual in nature, so naturally you assume it must be driven by sexual desire, right? As a result, you may tell yourself that you’re simply too weak to resist temptation, too undisciplined to control your appetites, or too broken to experience sexuality in a healthy manner.
But that perspective only leads to predictable “solutions” such as trying harder to resist urges, implementing more restrictions and accountability measures, and white-knuckling your way through moments of temptation.
That said, it’s important to pause here and acknowledge that God created sex with beautiful purposes in mind. Scripture points to at least three including reproduction, building intimacy with our spouse, and pleasure as a gift to be celebrated within the proper context. But because sex is inherently pleasurable, we often assume that our craving for sexual release must be pleasure-driven. And again, this assumption seems self-evident.
But here’s what we miss.
For those struggling with sexual compulsions, the craving for sexual activity is often driven by something much deeper than the pursuit of pleasure such as a misguided attempt to meet legitimate unmet emotional needs.
For instance…
- When we experience anxiety, our nervous system seeks regulation.
- When we feel lonely, we crave connection.
- When we’re overwhelmed, we look for an escape.
- When we feel inadequate, we search for validation.
- When we’re bored, we seek stimulation.
- And when we’ve been hurt, we want comfort.
These are all completely normal, legitimate human needs. In fact, we’re designed to need emotional safety, connection, validation, comfort, and regulation. But the problem isn’t that we have these needs. The problem is that we’ve learned to use sexual behavior as a strategy to meet them.
From a neuroscience perspective, this makes perfect sense.
Recognize that sexual activity triggers powerful neurochemical responses that temporarily soothe anxiety, create a sense of connection, help us escape difficult emotions, validate our desirability, stimulate our bored brains, and comfort us when we’re hurting. Consequently, our brains recognize this pattern and make the connection: when we feel bad, sexual behavior can help make those unpleasant feelings go away.
This reality means that your unwanted sexual behaviors are likely not about sexual appetite at all, but about emotional survival. And when we make this shift in perspective, everything changes because it fundamentally reduces shame while increasing understanding and hope.
See, when we view our struggle as being about out-of-control sexual needs, we feel selfish, undisciplined, and morally deficient. We’re ashamed to admit we “just can’t stop wanting sex.” And so we see ourselves as uniquely broken, somehow more depraved than others who don’t struggle this way. That shame becomes crushing, and shame itself often drives us back to the very behaviors we’re trying to stop.
But when we reframe the struggle as being about unmet emotional needs, suddenly we’re not perverts with excessive sexual appetites. Rather, we’re human beings with legitimate needs who learned maladaptive ways of meeting those needs. This means we’re not uniquely broken. We’re just doing what all humans do when they’re hurting and haven’t learned healthier coping strategies.
That said, this isn’t about excuse-making or minimizing.
The behavior is still a problem. It still carries the same negative consequences including damage to relationships, disconnection from ourselves and God, erosion of integrity, and interference with real intimacy. Therefore it absolutely is something that still needs to be addressed.
But this perspective shift allows us to focus on the things that really matter. Because when we examine our emotional needs, we open ourselves up to actual healing. We can learn to identify what we’re really feeling, understand what we truly need in those moments, and develop healthier strategies for meeting those legitimate needs.
Conversely, focusing solely on sexual needs leads us nowhere but white-knuckling through urges and denying ourselves. And while these strategies might work temporarily, they never address the root cause.
So this year, instead of engaging in another cycle of trying and failing, start addressing what’s really going on beneath the surface. That’s not just a new resolution. That’s a new perspective. And sometimes, a new perspective is exactly what you need to finally experience real and lasting change.
By the way, all this year we are going to be exploring many of these emotional needs in the Live Free Community, so if you’ve been thinking about making a change in 2026, now is a great time to join Live Free and dive into these conversations.