In just a few days, many of us will gather with family and friends around a large table filled with delicious food and laughter as we celebrate Thanksgiving. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, football, card games, Charlie Brown and too many slices of pumpkin pie will permeate our homes. Perhaps we will share something that we are thankful for before we say grace and eat. It’s an opportunity to intentionally pause and reflect upon the many good gifts and blessings that have been bestowed upon us. This is the practice of gratitude.
If you are in the midst of healing from betrayal trauma and have been walking alongside your spouse in recovery, the practice of gratitude might seem absurd, cruel and incredibly challenging. After all, how many times have you extended grace after relapse and setbacks? Do gratitude and grace have a seat at the same table?
Biblical grace is simply unmerited favor, which means there is nothing we can do to earn it. We don’t deserve it. Extending grace to someone who truly does not deserve it, especially after being deeply hurt, can be arduous. It might feel as though grace excuses hurtful actions or pretends that there isn’t pain. It might even feel as though you are a doormat, allowing him/her to walk all over you. That’s not grace.
Grace after betrayal has the potential to be transformative for both the giver and recipient. We have been recipients of the ultimate gift of grace through the sacrificial death of Jesus. The gift of grace in the midst of shame can either be received as humbling or a selfish entitlement. If received as humbling, it can empower the addict to keep making progress. Each time you extend grace, you are taking a risk that s/he will continue to make progress towards recovery and healing.
We are all a work in progress. Not a single one of us has “arrived”. This is where gratitude and grace find balance. Gratitude keeps us grounded in what’s good. Grace reminds us that we’re still in process. We have an opportunity to be thankful for areas of growth while being compassionate toward what is still healing. Holding gratitude AND grace can help reframe setbacks and slower seasons of recovery as part of the larger narrative of healing.
Which area do you struggle the most? Do you find it more difficult to offer grace or practice gratitude?
Take 10–15 minutes a day to journal – Write freely about what you’re thankful for, where you’ve struggled to grant grace and what you’re learning about yourself. This kind of reflection helps shift focus from rumination and intrusive thoughts to post-traumatic growth.
Allow this season of Thanksgiving to be an opportunity to hold both gratitude and grace as you acknowledge progress, offer compassion and set free the unrealistic belief to have it all together. As David Crowder said, “Thank You for the grace I know I’ll never have to earn.”