Early on in my recovery journey, I kept bumping up against this thought. If only I could stop acting out with porn, all of my problems would be solved. My desire for sobriety wasn’t wrong and it was true that looking at porn wasn’t helping me deal with my issues in a positive way. I worked hard on my sobriety, putting filters in place on my phone and computer and attending an online recovery group. These were really good things to address my recovery journey and I finally began to make progress.
At the time I tended to think of porn as the only problem I was dealing with. However, I had other emotional wounds, relational trauma, and patterns of wrong thinking were still haunting me. My unwanted sexual behavior was just a coping mechanism.
I also realized it was important not to neglect other areas of my life. These were some areas of whole person wellness I realized were essential to my recovery:
- Emotional Wellness – I often engaged in unwanted sexual behavior after experiencing negative emotions or difficult feelings. I have had to learn that when I feel these challenging emotions not to run from them and turn to porn – but to identify them, name them and process them in a healthy way. If you need help in developing emotional wellness a therapist or counselor may be helpful in guiding you to process your emotions.
- Healthy Connection – as my small group leader often says, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.” We were never meant to live life apart from others. Meaningful connection can feel risky, but it is usually exactly what we are craving when we turn to unwanted sexual behavior. Being intentional about making time to connect with healthy people has been essential in my recovery journey. In addition to my weekly recovery group, I have a weekly call with one of my best friends and carve out quality time with my wife. These times of honest personal connection with others make the false intimacy of porn less attractive.
- Physical Health – This is an area that often goes unmet when life gets super busy for me. I have two young children and there are times when getting enough sleep, eating right or making time to exercise gets pushed to the back burner. However, I’ve learned that taking care of our bodies can not be neglected. This is another area where being intentional is essential. I’ve learned that just taking a short walk during my lunch break can do me a world of good. It is important to listen to our bodies and care for them, as temptation often strikes when I am feeling tired or worn out.
- Spiritual Growth – This may look different for each person. It may start with just taking a few moments to be still or starting with a few breaths in and out to ground oneself. For me, my spiritual journey is deeply tied to my Christian faith. I find that if I neglect taking time to connect to God through prayer during my busy days it can leave me open to temptation. I have learned that connecting with God is just as important as connecting with people. While I am absolutely far from perfect, I have come to realize that this is the reason I need to stay grounded in my faith and not ignore or neglect my spiritual life.
Taking a holistic approach can be an essential recovery tool and focusing on these four areas of my life has been super helpful in my journey. However, it can also feel overwhelming. My encouragement is to sit down and do a personal wellness check in. Take a few minutes to evaluate each of these four areas and identify one area that feels depleted. Then choose a practical step to strengthen that area. You may find you can kill two birds with one stone – working on multiple needs at the same time. For example, you can call a friend while going for a walk (healthy connection and physical health). There are countless ways you can do things that will have multiple positive benefits.
As you and I become more aware of healthy ways we can meet our needs, the more it will benefit us in our recovery journeys. Since August is national wellness month, now is a great time to start!