I don’t know about you but I can come up with all kinds of reasons to act out. Got in a fight with my wife – look at some porn. Just lost a key client – chat on-line. Feeling lonely – flirt with the girl at the grocery store. How about this one! Just got a promotion – go home and masturbate!! Yes, even positive things that happen in my life can trigger my emotions and cause me to sabotage my good fortunes! Sounds crazy, but that is the reality of sexual addiction.
Additionally, certain holidays stir up a variety of emotions. For example Christmas can be a tough time of year as many of us feel lonely or perhaps reminded of unhappy childhood memories or are triggered by the dysfunctional dynamics of our families. It is my experience that many of us do not handle our birthdays especially well. Perhaps it is difficult to accept love and adoration from those close to us. And quite possibly, the expectations that come with Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, are just too overwhelming. I know for me, the thought of coming up with the perfect gift or dinner date with my wife can be completely overwhelming to the point that the fear of failure is almost paralyzing. Depending on one’s relationship status, the anxiety might stem from a number of different causes:
Single – Anxiety to find a date and “take the relationship to a new level!” Wink. wink.
Dating – Anxiety to make it perfect or to be sexual
Married – Resentment that there will be a sexual expectation or maybe resentment that there will NOT be sex at the end of the night.
I can go on and on with various examples, but my point is that we need to be aware of those situations or events that may cause us problems. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it is important to do a “feelings check” and understand how I am feeling about the upcoming holiday. Am I experiencing any anxiety? If so about what? Who am I communicating this to? What’s my plan of action or am I relying on “hope” as my strategy? If I am experiencing the pressure to do or be something sexual how am I managing this stress? What boundaries have I set to make sure my needs are being taken into consideration? Some keys I use to help me deal with these issues are:
- I try to never “go it along”. The more I talk about my feelings or journal what I’m going through the more I get in touch with who I am. And the more I involve my community of brothers, the more I realize that I am not alone. Others feel the same way I do, and to hear how they cope gives me ideas as well.
- I also make great effort to share my feelings with my wife. It is amazing how honest, open communication with my wife not only helps me work through the issue but also makes us both feel emotionally closer. One thing I try and keep in mind when communicating with my wife is: Communication + Expectation = Manipulation. Is my intent to communicate or manipulate???
- Read the Word and ask for help from God!
Regardless of the event or experience, almost anything can cause me to feel “less than” and depending on my emotional state, the end result could be with me making a poor decision and violating my morals and values. However by using the tools above, taking the time to understand my emotions and then communicating to those close to me I give myself a much better chance at success today. And really that’s all I can ask for!