Struggles with porn and sex are rarely just about sex. Beneath the surface, they’re often symptoms of deeper emotional and mental health issues stemming from wounds we haven’t addressed, pain we haven’t named, or emotions we haven’t learned to manage in healthy ways. And for many men, especially fathers, this has ripple effects. Because our ability or inability to regulate our emotions impacts not only our choices, but also the way we show up for our families.
In other words, when we turn to porn or masturbation to cope, we’re not just escaping discomfort but we’re also reinforcing patterns that keep us disconnected from ourselves and the people who matter most, including our children.
So the question is worth asking:
Why is emotional regulation so difficult for those who struggle with unwanted sexual behavior and what does healing in this area require?
The answer to that question is complex. However, one issue that often comes up when talking with the guys we help is the quality (or lack thereof) of the relationship they had with their father growing up. To put it plainly, they tend to have “daddy issues” that contributed to their lack of healthy emotional development.
One thing we know is that the level of secure attachment a child has with their father is a key factor in their emotional well-being and provides a foundation for increased autonomy, confidence, and the formation of healthy relationships. This means fathers play a unique and critical role in fostering a child’s emotional health, shaping their ability to manage stress, build resilience, and develop social competence.
According to psychologist John Bowlby, children who form secure attachments with their caregivers tend to feel safe and secure, which in turn supports their emotional and social development. Additionally, research has consistently shown that secure attachment is linked to various positive outcomes, including better emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, and improved social relationships.
Conversely, insecure attachment can lead to difficulties in these areas and may increase the risk of mental health challenges and the development of addictive behaviors later in life.
Recognize that while mothers have traditionally been viewed as the primary attachment figures, fathers also play a crucial role in their children’s emotional development. This is because fathers often engage in more physical and stimulating play, which complements the nurturing role of mothers and helps children learn to regulate their emotions and behavior effectively.
Therefore, whether you are a father or had challenges related to your father, it is important to recognize just how important a father’s contributions are to a person’s overall development and well-being. Here are three father factors to consider:
1. Fathers can encourage exploration and independence.
Fathers often encourage their children to explore their environment and take risks, promoting a sense of independence, confidence, and autonomy. This behavior helps children develop problem-solving skills and increase resilience. Studies show that dads who are actively involved in their child’s play can significantly increase the child’s social and cognitive competence.
2. Fathers help model emotional regulation.
Children learn how to behave from others, especially parental figures. Consequently, fathers who effectively manage their emotions can serve as excellent role models for their kids, teaching them how to handle stress and frustration in a healthy manner. This influence can work both positively and negatively, as a father’s emotional expressiveness and coping strategies will impact a child’s emotional outcomes, whether for better or worse.
3. Fathers provide needed emotional support.
This can be the most challenging for dads who’ve been raised to be stoic and emotionally subdued or disconnected. Yet, a father’s emotional support profoundly impacts a child’s self-esteem and sense of security. Fathers who are attentive and responsive to their children’s emotional needs help their kids feel valued and understood, fostering healthy levels of self-esteem and contributing to a child’s overall emotional well-being.
These father factors are important to understand and consider because they greatly influence a person’s emotional resilience and psychological well-being.
The role of fathers in forming secure attachments and fostering emotional well-being in their children cannot be overstated. Consequently, when fathers do not adequately meet the attachment needs of their children, it can negatively impact later development, relationships, and behaviors (including maladaptive ones like compulsive porn use).
So if you find yourself struggling emotionally and realize that your relationship with your father was problematic or lacking, know that you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is developmentally logical. If you are a father reading this, commit to being a parent who provides that secure sense of attachment your child needs for optimal wellness. Either way, understand that regardless of your past, today is a day you can start working on correcting the ship and getting back to a place of better emotional, spiritual, relational, and sexual health.
And if you struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors like porn, commit to seeking help and pursuing recovery because your health matters but so does the health of your children who look to you for nurturing and guidance.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
NICHD Early Child Care Research Network. (2000). The relation of child care to cognitive and language development. Child Development, 71(4), 960-980.
Grossmann, K., Grossmann, K. E., Fremmer-Bombik, E., Kindler, H., Scheuerer-Englisch, H., & Zimmermann, P. (2002). The uniqueness of the child–father attachment relationship: Fathers’ sensitive and challenging play as a pivotal variable in a 16-year longitudinal study. Social Development, 11(3), 307-331.
Lamb, M. E. (2004). The role of the father in child development. John Wiley & Sons.
Kochanska, G., Aksan, N., & Nichols, K. E. (2003). Maternal power assertion in discipline and moral discourse contexts: Commonalities, differences, and implications for children’s moral conduct and cognition. Developmental Psychology, 39(6), 949.