If you are like me perhaps you have tried filters, willpower, and every form of self-effort to stop your sexual addiction. But the train keeps going. Maybe it’s even running off the tracks. Early in my marriage, I tried to keep my ongoing struggle with porn to myself. I wanted to shield myself from disappointing my wife and thought I could handle it on my own. It was at that time a friend confronted me and told me what I already knew: I needed to share my struggles with my wife.
At the time it was terrifying, but by opening up to my wife I found greater accountability and freedom, as well as the support I need. She is my biggest cheerleader when it comes to my recovery. In addition to verbal check-ins she also receives a daily update of my internet searches through the filtering software we utilize. We are able to talk about my triggers and challenges – but also can celebrate my victories together.
The first step in your recovery journey may be the scariest – but it is worth it. Someone else must know about your struggle. Whether it’s a pastor, sibling, friend or your spouse, you can start with telling someone who loves you. So much of sexual addiction is battling shame and fear. Choosing the right spaces and people to be vulnerable with can be hard, but it’s certainly worth the effort. Getting out of the shadows is so important. For me, shame kept me going back to the sexual addiction I was trying to end.
This is because hiding and secrecy feed the shame cycle because they keep us from making genuine connections, which is what we are often looking for when we seek out our sexual addiction in the first place. When a spouse or friend knows the real you and loves you anyway, it provides an opportunity for growth. When you find someone who will support you, speak truth and hold you accountable you will benefit greatly. While having these difficult conversations is hard, it will build trust and transparency, which is what will make progress possible. Yes, telling someone involves risk, but anything worthwhile does.
In fact, you may be wondering, “What if the person I confess to doesn’t understand, reacts negatively or rejects me?” Or what if you don’t have someone you feel you can trust with your secret? I encourage you not to use that as an excuse. Perhaps your next step is to join a Small Groups Online group (I am a part of one of these groups, and it is a tremendous blessing). In your group you will find accountability, support and encouragement from other men who are fighting the same battle. And if you are looking for a good read on this topic, check out When Shame Gets Real. Written by Carl Thomas, one of the founders of the XXXchurch ministry, it offers some real talk about how to overcome shame and start walking in freedom.
If you are still trying to do this fight alone (and it feels like you are losing the battle), it is time to bring your struggle into the light and stop hiding. Together, we can experience freedom, but the truth is we were never meant to do this journey alone.
Below I’ll leave you with a portion of the lyrics from the song “Rise Up”1 by a Christian band called Cain. I encourage you to listen to it. It helped me to realize that I didn’t want to stay stuck anymore and that I needed to take action by turning to God and finding connection with others to find freedom.
Rise Up (Lazarus)
In the dark and all alone, growing comfortable
Are you too scared to move and walk out of this tomb?
Buried underneath, the lies that you believed
Safe and sound, stuck in the ground
Too lost to be found
You’re just asleep and it’s time to leave
Come on and rise up, take a breath, you’re alive now
Can’t you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
You’re brand new, the power of death couldn’t hold you
Can’t you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
Rise up, rise up, rise up
Out from the grave like Lazarus
- “Rise Up (Lazarus).” Rise Up. Essential Records, 2021, Spotify app.