For a lot of us, the holiday table holds more than food. It holds history. There’s the chair where someone used to sit. The parent passing the stuffing who has never really known you. The spouse beside you, still married to you, but things haven’t been the same since trust broke. Yes, everyone may be smiling as they pass the turkey and yams, but underneath everything something hurts.

That something is often grief. And the holidays have a way of bringing it right to the surface.

The truth is we tend to think of grief as something that only follows a death. But some of the deepest grief we carry is relational. 

It’s grief over a… 

  • marriage that isn’t what it used to be.
  • family that never felt safe.
  • parent who was physically present and emotionally gone. 

It’s confusing because there’s no funeral, no clear ending, and no one bringing you a casserole. In fact, the person you’re grieving over may still be sitting across the table from you, yet you’re still mourning their loss anyway.

Unfortunately, holidays often sharpen this kind of loss. 

Traditions, songs, smells, and familiar rooms all carry memories, so feelings you thought were settled can come back with surprising force. And holiday grief rarely looks like crying in a quiet room. It might be a knot in your stomach on the drive over, or dreading a gathering you used to love. It might be feeling flat while everyone else is laughing, or tearing up at an ornament or a song. 

Grief can also look like staying busy in the kitchen, snapping at your spouse on the way home, or disappearing into your phone. And sometimes it shows up as guilt for not feeling as grateful as you’re supposed to. 

Regardless, none of that means you’ve gone backward. It means the season is touching something real. Recognize that part of what makes relational grief so heavy is that we’re often grieving two things at once. 

There’s what was: the closeness you used to have, the family before things fell apart, the marriage before the disclosure. 

And there’s what could have been: the father you needed, the holidays you pictured giving your kids, the relationship you thought you’d have by now. 

That second kind of loss is easy to overlook because nothing visible disappeared. But losing a hoped-for future is still a real loss, and it deserves to be grieved.

And if your marriage has been affected by betrayal, both of you may be grieving the same relationship from different sides. One may be grieving the broken trust and the story they believed about their marriage. The other may be grieving the damage they caused and the years lost to hiding. 

Those griefs rarely move at the same speed, and that can create real tension when everyone is supposed to look happy together.

That said, understand that grief itself is healthy. It’s how we process loss and adjust to a world that has changed. But grief can get tangled. 

For instance, guilt can slip in. Regret loops on what-ifs that can never be answered. And sometimes grief has nowhere to go because the people around you don’t know about the loss or wouldn’t understand it. Researchers call this disenfranchised grief, the kind that isn’t openly acknowledged. 

Consequently, when grief can’t be spoken, it tends to go underground.

And that’s often where old coping patterns show up. For some people it’s overworking or overeating. For others, it’s porn or sex. Those things bring real, temporary relief because they quiet the ache for a while. But numbing pauses grief rather than processing it. 

The loss is still waiting afterward, usually with a layer of shame added on top.

So what actually helps? 

Grief research suggests that healthy grieving isn’t a straight line. It moves back and forth between facing the loss and engaging with life. You spend some time with the sadness, and you also keep showing up for the people and things that matter. This means you don’t have to choose between honoring your grief and living your values. You need both.

Practically, that might look like:

  • Naming the loss to one safe person before the gathering, so you aren’t carrying it alone.
  • Giving yourself a few minutes of space: a short walk, a quiet drive, or a few lines in a journal.
  • Letting yourself feel what you feel without needing to fix it or explain it to everyone.
  • Choosing one thing that matters to you this season, like being present with your kids or being honest with your spouse, and letting that guide your next step even when grief is loud.

Whatever the situation, understand that if you’re grieving this season, you’re not broken and you’re not behind. Something you loved, or hoped for, matters to you.

If you are a man who wants to understand what’s happening underneath your coping patterns and why loss and stress hit the way they do, X3Pure Rewired walks you through attachment, shame, and how your brain responds under stress.

And if this season has you thinking about the people who are grieving and struggling on their own, you can do something about it. 

Through Recovery for a Lifetime, our year-end campaign, you can sponsor someone who has applied for a scholarship and give them lifetime access to Rewired and the Live Free Community. This is the only time we’re offering lifetime access, and your gift could mean someone walks into next year’s holidays with real tools and people in their corner instead of carrying it alone.