Why We All Need Love

February is here, which means the greeting card companies are throwing a party and candy manufacturers are working overtime. Let’s be honest, Valentine’s Day is big business, and if you’ve ever walked into a store in early February, you know the red and pink explosion is real. 

Consequently, it’s real easy to roll your eyes at all of it and write off the whole “month of love” thing as just another marketing ploy.

But here’s the thing: while the commercialization might be over the top, the focus on connection and love actually hits on something deeply true about us. 

That’s why this month we’re going to spend time talking about love and connection, not because Hallmark told us to, but because these are legitimate, critical human needs. And what both modern brain science and the Bible have been trying to tell us forever is this: we’re actually wired for love. 

It’s not a bonus feature.
It’s not weakness or only something needy people require..
It’s as necessary as breathing.

Think about it. 

From the second we’re born, our brains are asking one question over and over: “Am I safe here?” The crazy thing is, we don’t figure that out by thinking about it logically. We figure it out through people. Through whether someone shows up. Through whether we feel seen and responded to. And, I’m not talking about touchy-feely stuff. This is how we’re designed.

• Our bodies literally calm down when we’re around safe people.
• Our heart rate settles.
• Our breathing gets deeper.

All those alarm bells that are constantly going off in our heads? They can finally quiet down.

That’s what real love is at its core. It’s that feeling of being completely known and completely safe at the same time. It’s what lets a kid run around and explore because they know mom or dad has their back. It’s what lets us be real with someone, mess-ups and all, because we know they’re not going anywhere.

But here’s where it gets hard for a lot of us. 

A lot of people grow up in homes where that kind of safe connection just wasn’t there. And I’m not just talking about homes with terrible parents or abuse necessarily. Sometimes it’s just parents who were doing the best they could but were dealing with their own pain. When that happens, something inside us doesn’t just accept it and move on. Our brain goes into fix-it mode.

And this is where unwanted sexual behaviors come into the picture for so many people. 

Now, I need you to hear me on this: these behaviors aren’t proof that you’re weak or broken or perverted. They’re often your brain’s attempt to solve a real problem. See, when actual connection feels impossible or dangerous, your brain starts looking for shortcuts. 

• Something that gives you a moment of feeling good. 
• A temporary escape from feeling so alone. 
• A sense of control when everything else feels chaotic.

This means you’re not “just being soft” or “too sensitive.” Your brain is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do, trying to meet a completely legitimate need. You need connection. You need to feel safe. You need to feel okay in your own skin. 

This means the problem isn’t the need. The problem is that the solution you found only makes you feel more disconnected in the end.

And here’s something fascinating that researchers have discovered: our bodies have different gears depending on how safe we feel. Consequently, when we feel genuinely safe, especially because of connection with people we trust, our whole system can relax. 

• We can think clearly. 
• We can actually be present. 
• We can rest.

But when safety feels absent? 

Our body shifts into survival mode. Sometimes we’re revved up and ready to fight or run. Sometimes we just shut down completely and go numb. And here’s the thing: you can’t just decide your way out of those states. You can’t willpower your way into feeling safe. 

You actually need the experience of real, safe connection to help your body shift gears.

That’s why trying to white-knuckle your way through compulsive behaviors rarely works long-term. Because you’re not addressing what’s actually driving the behavior. You’re trying to manage symptoms while your whole nervous system is screaming that it doesn’t feel safe.

And this is something that even the Bible recognizes.

In fact, the Bible says something pretty incredible in 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” Now for years, I read that as just a nice spiritual idea. But it’s actually describing something real that happens in us.

Because when you experience genuine, unconditional love, whether that’s from God or from safe people in your life, something shifts at a core level. Perfect love, the kind that says “I know everything about you and I’m not going anywhere,” it speaks directly to the deepest fear we all carry: that we’re alone, that we’re too much or not enough, that we’re fundamentally unsafe in this world.

And this kind of love doesn’t just make you feel warm and fuzzy. It actually changes what’s happening in your body. It helps your whole system move out of that constant state of threat and into a place where actual healing can happen. This is why the gospel isn’t just good news for your soul.

It’s good news for all of you, body and brain included.

Ultimately, God’s love isn’t some abstract concept. It’s the offer of the safest connection you could ever experience. It’s the dad who runs toward his screw-up son. It’s Jesus sitting with the woman everyone else judged. It’s the constant invitation to come as you are and find what you’ve been looking for all along: perfect safety in perfect love.

And when you start to understand how your need for love, your body’s search for safety, and your unwanted behaviors are all connected, everything changes. You can stop beating yourself up and start having some compassion for yourself. You can stop trying to muscle through and start actually healing. You can stop hiding and start finding real community.

If this speaks to you or resonates with you in some way, our forthcoming course, Rewired, goes much deeper into these concepts, exploring how change actually happens and what practical steps look like. You can learn more by clicking here.

But right now, I just want you to know this: your need for love isn’t a character flaw. It’s how you’re made. And those behaviors you’ve been using to cope? They don’t define who you are. They’re just evidence that you’re human, and that you’re ready to find a better way home.