In 1996, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission was established in South Africa by Nelson Mandela in an attempt to reconcile the country following the heinous acts of apartheid. Government officials consulted with Bishop Desmond Tutu prior to the establishment to determine the type of people to be considered for a position on the commission. Tutu concluded that victims, people whose lives were fragmented by the atrocities of oppression, ought to be considered. However, he suggested that the victims not be arrogant, seeking vengeance. Tutu recommended that the individuals have the authority of awful experiences that cultivated empathy and a willingness to forgive. He further expressed that it could only be accomplished through a deeply fortified spiritual life. He described the victims as wounded healers.
Donald Miller speaks candidly about growing up without a father in his book, “Father Fiction”.
He states, “This book is about the hard, shameful, embarrassing stuff you and I have to work through as an individual. It’s about me secretly admitting to you I needed a father, and how I felt like half a man until I dealt with those issues honestly.”
If you grew up without a father, you understand the shame associated. You also understand the challenges of trying to figure out manhood and masculinity.
Without a father or consistent influence of a man to confirm your manhood, you were left to figure it out on your own. You were left to define the unique identity that only men feel, how to manage conflict, what to do with your emotions, how women are supposed to be treated, independence and self image.
Perhaps culture helped craft your definition of manhood and masculinity. Counterfeit masculinity teaches you to gratify your emotions and appetites. Maybe this is when you were introduced to pornography.
Miller writes, “…the concept of a father may have been soiled for some of us, but it was important for me to realize who did the soiling. To be fair, it wasn’t God. If I take the Bible as true, then God bears none of the negative characteristics of our biological fathers.”
The Bible is full of examples of God fathering people. He steps in when fathers step out. Your identity can be found in Him. Your definition of manhood can be found in Him. Even if you grew up with a father, your father wasn’t perfect. The fall of man initiated the brokenness that mingles in our DNA.
While growing up without a father is not your fault, it became your responsibility. You are responsible for tending to the wounds you have encountered. Will you let those wounds fester and create an arrogant victim who desires vengeance or will you let it cultivate empathy and a willingness to forgive? Taking on responsibility is the essence of manhood. And passivity is the primary obstacle.
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You have an opportunity, or better yet, a responsibility, to become a wounded healer. Perhaps you are a father trying to raise young boys or maybe you volunteer in the youth department at your faith community. Whatever role(s) you have been entrusted with, young men are looking to you to model biblical manhood and masculinity. Your wounds can be redeemed.
References:
Miller, Donald. Father Fiction. New York, Howard Books, 2010.