The Church Finds Out an Elder Is Viewing Porn?
Confronting sin in a biblical way may just be the greatest weakness of the church. People either hate conflict and therefore avoid it at all costs or they seem to get a high watching other people struggle. The biblical perspective on confrontation is more about loving people then about being right. Marriages fall apart because the husband and/or wife is more focused on winning arguments then they are about loving each other. The same is true with friendships, working partnerships, athletic teams, and about every family oriented tribe.
So when you find out an Elder at your church is viewing porn, approach the situation from a perspective of love. If you don’t have a heart for him, his family, and his future then plan on the confrontation being a disaster.
This is what the bible says to do when you find out an Elder is viewing porn.
“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.” [Matthew 18:15-17]
1. Don’t call an Elder meeting and invite everyone except him. Some of you may laugh, but it is common practice to pull together 2 or 3 other Elders and discuss the situation. Listen, you are a qualified Pastor, deal with it. Don’t call the prayer chain, post on Facebook for feedback, or gather your trusted friends in a room for advice. The bible says to start here: go to him (her). If he listens then you have made a friend. I interpret this to mean that confrontation is a commitment to the truth and also to the journey. We don’t confront and then abandon – we confront and then commit.
When you confront it may take more then one meeting. If you are like most of humanity it is difficult to be confronted. For many people there first response is to run, disagree, and get angry. However, once the emotions balance out they may become very open to your help. Confront once, twice, three times – whatever it takes. If at some point you realize it is no longer going anywhere then take step two. Don’t take step two until you have exhausted step one.
2. Don’t bring 100 people with unfriendly demeanor. When you bring one or two others with you they must also have a shepherding heart. Simply by participating they are also committed to the journey. When dealing with an Elder, I believe it is best to bring people that have a proven track record of integrity and trust. Bring the wrong people with you and this whole situation may end up in the church newsletter. Listen and then exhort, listen and exhort.
Read blog post, Church Staff & Porn, for clear steps once the Elder is willing to be helped.
3. If multiple attempts at reconciliation fail bring it to their family. Maybe not the 8 year old son, but to his wife or her husband. Also, share with a few of his or her closest friends – this now looks like intervention. The individual is then removed from the role of Elder until full reconciliation is completed and health is restored. I would see this as bringing it to the church. Every church is different, but I am not sure in today’s age a public “ratting out” is really what Jesus intended. Could you imagine Craig Groeschel getting on the stage and broadcasting the sins of an Elder to the whole world? Not fruitful.
If he or she refuses to listen, try again. Pour so much love on this Elder that they will be overcome with their selfishness and turn from sin. To treat someone like a non-believer is to love them in such a way that the person of Jesus becomes apparent.
Leave a judgmental attitude at the door or it will go wrong every time.