For over a decade, I have been working with betrayed spouses and one of the themes I have observed is neglect of self care, particularly in the beginning stages of discovery. It makes sense really, given the bomb that just detonated your entire nervous system. Your sense of safety has been threatened and your body immediately responds with fight, flight or freeze.

Maybe you have found yourself becoming consumed with what your spouse is (or isn’t) doing. Or you are constantly trying to police your spouse by controlling or catching your spouse in another act of betrayal. Perhaps your mind is flooded with a million questions. Does any of this sound familiar to you? This is a common protective response.

The good news is, you’re not crazy! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a normal reaction to abnormal events. You are trying to make sense of what’s happening, stabilize yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually, balance daily obligations and carry the weight of the unknown in a new reality that feels out of control.

Intentional avoidance, significant decline in interest and/or engagement in activities, social withdrawal, disturbances in sleep, difficulty concentrating, feelings of guilt, indecisiveness, changes in appetite, and hyper-vigilance are just a few symptoms you might experience. Your brain and body is often depleted as you attempt to navigate this new mind field.

Simple acts such as quality sleep, nutrition, hydration, physical exercise, compassionate self talk, healthy community, emotional awareness and daily prayer & scripture reading go out the window in the beginning stages and aftershock. Perhaps you have been told that self care is selfish or that you don’t deserve it. Maybe you have become accustomed to not getting your needs met.

The truth is self care is an investment. It will help you intentionally move forward in your healing. It protects your physical, emotional, relational, spiritual and mental health. What if you put all of the effort and energy you have been expending on your spouse into your own healing? I can only imagine how exhausted you must feel right now. The thought of putting energy into self care might feel overwhelming. I would encourage you to pause.

Conduct a personal wellness check-in — Evaluate your physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual health. Identify one area that feels depleted and choose one practical step to strengthen it this month.

Just pick one thing and start doing it for the next 30 days. Don’t try to tackle every category of the whole self all at once. Start with something small and simple. Do you need some ideas?

Here are just a few to get your creative juices flowing:

  • prioritize sleep
  • make a healthy meal that will fuel your body
  • fill a water bottle and carry it with you everywhere you go
  • be intentional about taking a break in the middle of your hectic day to go for a short walk outside
  • reflect upon how you talk to yourself
  • resist the urge to isolate yourself and reach out to a safe friend
  • pause throughout the day to identify and express your emotions
  • journal (no one is going to grade it so you don’t have to be concerned about punctuation, grammar or sentence structure!)
  • say no to something that you have been saying yes to simply because you want to please someone else
  • begin each day meditating on Scripture (even if it’s just one verse!)
  • spend some time each day in prayer and be honest with God about what you are thinking and feeling

True self care is not about pampering yourself or indulging, it goes much deeper, addressing your unmet needs physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually and mentally. True self care will energize you, bring you life, heal and nourish your body, mind, heart and soul and it will directly deal with your unmet needs. It will be hard work and it won’t always be what you would choose to do. Do it anyway because you are worth the investment!